Peeves:
Microsoft everything.
People who watch stock markets hourly/daily.
People who store $183.37 worth of junk in their garage while $40,000 worth of automobiles rots in the driveway.
The salesgirl at the Gap who was hitting on my boyfriend while I was STANDING RIGHT THERE. Yeah, he’s cute, but get yer own.
The nitwit bagboy at the supermarket who gives every item a seperate bag. One for the loaf of bread, one for the package of egg noodles - except for the canned goods, which are all shoved together into a bag that weighs 30 pounds.
The girl at my office who quite seriously described herself as a “long-legged beauty”. She has apparently not noticed that she bears a striking resemblance to Olive Oyl.
People who are under the mistaken impression that their cars are 30 feet long, and leave 2/3 of a parking space in front of (and behind) them when parallel parking. Look, dude, it’s a Chevy Impala, not the Batmobile.
White women who wear cornrows. Bo Derek you are not.
Not being able to zip my jeans without lying down. Then being unable to get up. Clothing should not be allowed to destroy my carefully constructed denial.
I think I have found my calling. Everyone I know tells me that I bitch entirely too much. Now I have a place to vent! My turn:
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The $.10 story reminded me of this anecdote. I approached a four-way stop one evening, and came to my stop. There was a car on my right that had stopped, and was going through the intersection. No problems. The car behind him, though (new BMW convertible), decided that that was good enough for him, too, and sped to cut me off. I swore a few times, and proceeded on my may, which just happened to be behind him. I was appraoching a gas station, and realized that I needed a Mountain Dew. Asshole in the BMW swerved into the same place, no turn signal or anything. I swore again, and parked and went in. Standing in line, I discovered that I was directly behind him. When he was next, I spoke:
“Is that your Beamer out there?”
“Yeah. You like it?”
“It’s nice looking, yeah. But I’d never own one.”
“Why not? It’s a chick magnet.”
“Maybe so, but it’s obviously a deathtrap. I mean, watching you just then, I can see that it doesn’t come equipped with brakes or turn signals.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, you ran a stop sign, cut me off, and swerved in here with no signal. Either the car was manufactured without them, or you are too stupid to know how they operate.”
With that, I threw a buck down for my Mountain Dew, and walked out, leaving him standing there. -
Grammar. Learn what words do and do not need apostrophes. Especially with businesses.
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NASCAR, and the people who think that any redneck jerkoff driving in a circle is a real athlete.
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Bad drivers in general.
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Coupons, and the people who are determined to use them at every opportunity. I will actually pay the full price for a pizza/oil change/etc. rather than have to feel like I’m haggling with people.
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Door-to-door religious people.
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Al Sharpton. I know his heart’s in the right place, but sometimes I think he looks a little too hard into whatever situation to find some sort of racial tension. The fact is that we all have our own little prejudices, even if we do not recognize that they exist.
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Nepotism:
A) Gwyneth Paltrow (Bruce Paltrow, father/Blythe Danner, mother)
B) Nicholas Cage (Francis Ford Coppola, uncle)
C) Jakob Dylan (Bob Dylan, father)
D) Freddie Prinze, JR (Freddie Prinze, father) -
Pop culture phrases that people from different age groups try to use and sound cool. My mother called me this weekend, and screamed “Whasssssssuup?” when I answered the phone.
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Country music
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People who go on the “Springer” show, and are surprised when the significant other announces that they’re cheating (I don’t know how real this show is, but if my wife/girlfriend ever books me on this show, I figure I’ll tell her “Just tell me who you’re sleeping with. Nothing good ever happens on this show.”).
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Immigrants who adamantly refuse to speak the language of their new country. I don’t mind you speaking Spanish, Chinese, etc., but if I walked into a hotel in Spain, and demanded someone speaking English to me, I have a feeling I wouldn’t be catered to nearly as much as we cater to these people. I agree that everyone should learn at least two languages. I myself speak Spanish fairly well (well enough to have a conversation, but not fluent).
I am this person. The reason? I live in Phoenix, Arizona, where houses, for some unknown reason, are built without any sort of storage space. (Strainger, Padeye, Mauvaise? Back me up here.) In addition, they have tiny garages. What’s easier to steal? $183.37 worth of miscellaneous stuff sitting randomly in the driveway, or a locked, alarmed, and insured $40,000 vehicle? (Okay - I grant you that the car that lives outside is not worth amything even close to $40K. It’s the principle of the thing.)
Yup. That’s my Chevy Impala (it’s the car that lives IN the garage). Sorry. But I LOVE my Impala! I don’t want anyone to hurt it.
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12 items or less. Why is Target the only store capable of using the correct “12 items or fewer”?
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Anyone who says, “quote, unquote”. If you want to speak the quotations marks, you say, quote Frankly Miss Piggy, I don’t give a hoot end quote.
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Hi Opal!
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People who “witness” to me. To witness is to observe. What you are doing is testifying.
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Two rednecks in pickups (and it’s always pickups) who park in the road, blocking both lanes, to have a conversation.
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Anyone who parks in the road and talks to someone else on the sidewalk.
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Drivers on cellphones.
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The people at my school who drive in through the exit or leave through the entrance.
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You cannot hold someone responsible. You can only hold them accountable.
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People who think that saying “I’m not a racist, but,” negates the racism of the comment or joke that inevitably follows.
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All caps, and anyone other than e. e. cummings who types in all lower-case.
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Stupid coachisms:
“There is no I in TEAM”
“Give 110%”
“Never assume because when you do, you make A ASS of U and ME”
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Motivational workplace posters. Has anyone older than 10 ever been motivated by a poster?
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Using “an” before a word starting with H.
People who spell “a lot” as “alot”
People who can’t keep “their,” “there,” and “they’re” straight
People who abuse books
People who do things other than driving while they’re driving (applying makeup, disciplining
children, reading papers/maps/directions, talking on cell phones, etc.)
People who talk with their mouths full
Wassup? commercials
People who block entrances to elevators, escalators, or doors to chat, mill around, or make decisions
People who respond to statements with, “I know, huh?”
Loud or rude children, especially toddlers
Obnoxious parents who think their children are the golden ones and should be allowed to do as they
please, despite the effect they’re having on others.
People who spell “fin’" as "fen”
People who take strollers on escalators
People who use strollers as rolling shopping carts instead of kid transport devices
Emails beginning with some variation of “In response to our conversation the other day” or “Here’s
the web site you were asking about…”
Professional wrestling
People who use teenybopper net-shorthand like “U” and “2” and “4” in writing.
Televangelists
Annoying people in movies (crying or talking kids, blathering adults, excessive cellophane crinklers)
People who look one way and walk another
People who meander along, drifting from side to side, instead of picking a line and sticking with it (I
joke with da spouse that malls should have fast lanes)
People who drive slowly in commuter lanes
Kids who repeat the same thing over and over with the same inflection: “Mommy? Mommy? Mommy?” etc.
Adam Sandler movies
The prevailing attitude that women larger than size 14 either want dull dowdy clothes or the latest hipster
teen-slut fashions in day-glo colors and skintight pleather. How about some nice normal type, well made clothes at reasonable prices?
People who park straddling two spaces. Especially people with expensive cars who do this. Don’t they
know they’re just asking for it? (No, I don’t bother them. But I’d like to.)
Brad Pitt. I do not see what people see in him. I guess the pouty-lippy look is in…
You guys are WAAAYYYYY too ANAL!!! Just chill out, the only thing that all this bitchin’ and moanin’ is gonna get you is a massive heart attack! DON’T WORRY BE HAPPY
People who insist on parking on the street when their driveway and garage are empty.
Women who park their carts in the middle of the aisle then wander away, then run back and glare at you when you move it to get by.
People who will look at a menu for a good 10 minutes, then ask the waiter/waitress “Do you have…?”
Chewing with your mouth open
Waiting until you are all checked out before taking out your checkbook.
People who park in the fire zone right next to the enterance of the store.
Peopledoing their nails at work. I don’t brush my teeth or shave at my desk, why should you do your nails.
People who tailgate, especially when your in traffic. Guess what, if you ride my ass, I’ll slow down right next to another slow car, and you’ll be stuck there.
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People who “help” without asking permission, refuse to cease “helping” after they’re asked to stop, then take offense when the request is repeated. There’s difference between help and meddling. My father screamed in pain and lost a fingernail the last time that kind of individual interfered.
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People who presume that a wheelchair-bound person not only has difficulty walking, but is also deaf, mute, and mindless. Yes, he can understand every word. He’s just too polite to say what he thinks about some of it.
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Casual acquaintances and strangers who descend on the ailing in order to “save” the person’s soul. Dad faces enough real challenges, thank you. He’s very happy with the spiritual beliefs he already has.
People who say [redundantly] “PIN Number” and “ATM Machine”. Would you say “Personal Identification Number Number” or “Automatic Teller Machine Machine”? I didn’t think so.
- People who chew with their mouth open in public. If you want to eat like cow, go home and do it.
- 12 year old girls who dress like they are in their middle 20’s and working in a strip club. Just because Brittany Spears dresses like a slut, doesn’t mean you can too.
- This really pisses me off… Old people or people in general who dont like rap music, and have nothing better to do than complain to everyone how bad it is. Is someone twisting your arm and making you listen to it? If you dont like it, dont fucking listen to it. I hate oldies, and country music, but I dont sit there and complain to everyone I know. I simply dont buy or listen to it.
- Kids who have the ability to get their hands on a hand gun. God damn, when did raising your kids and teaching whats right and wrong stop as soon as they could walk and talk?
- Kids who think its funny to kick the seat im sitting in when go to see a movie.
- Bad drivers
- Liars.
- Snobby people who look down on everyone who they assume isn’t as rich as they are. Just because you wipe your ass with 20 dollar bills, doesn’t make you any better than i am.
- People who insist they are right about everything, and then when they are told they are wrong, they get mad.
Im sure I will be back later with more.
Especially if they’re chewing gum!!! That slobbery smacking makes me crazy.
I dislike gum in general, but I really hate cow-like gum-chewers.
Ugh, it’s just sooo freaking gross.
I have one more to add to my list:
Dumbass people who say “Don’t go there” (Yes, The Great Zamboni, this means you).
Oh yeah, and while we’re at it, how about:
Ugly people who think they are attractive and act all stuck up. Hey, look in the mirror!
People who use those laser pointers in the middle of a movie.
Grumpy people. You know what, I don’t like being around you, either.
People who complain about a problem but never do anything about it. I know you’re from Venus, but you’re still annoying me!
Women who assume that the toilet seat should, by default, be left down. I have to look to see if the lid is down, can’t you look to see if the seat is up?
Guys who don’t clip their fingernails.
Anyone who thinks the world owes them something.
Sally Struthers.
OK, done for now.