Just toss them in his backyard… 
The Aristocrats!
This is the only advice that makes sense.
He doesn’t respect you as a neighbor, doesn’t respect your ownership rights, and never will. Put up the highest fence you can, in a legal spot, maintain it appropriately, and never speak with him again.
Something the OP may find comforting:
As a result of being a territorial ninny, the neighbor now has a row of butchered, ugly shrubs to look at on his property line (the OP’s view will be of the intact portion of the shrubs). If one or more of the shrubs dies, the OP can leave them there as a further reminder to the neighbor that he is an ass.*
*in case any die, the OP can nicely inform the neighbor that if he (the neighbor) is willing to chip in, the dead shrub(s) will be replaced, otherwise he’s going to have dead shrubs to look at for however long you’re both living there.
How close did you plant these shrubs to the property line? It sounds like they are way too close, especially considering how much “arbs” are supposed to grow.
But I would have put up an 8-foot fence the first time his dog shit in my yard.
I swear I can almost hear the theme from The Godfather playing in the background when reading about this issue, but then I have my own neighbor issues.
Re: dogs pooping on your property: since he won’t retrain or discipline his dogs, it falls to you and Nature. Since you can’t touch his dogs, its Nature. Plant 2 rows of pepper plants along the boundary lines of the property. Also, stock up on a palate of cheap Kirkland brand Cayenne pepper and crushed red pepper. Fill your fertilizer/seed spreader with it, and every week sprinkle along the property line. Might keep possums & raccoons away from your property too.
The dogs will learn quickly to give your yard a wide berth.
“You remember how them dogs do when they get here so you can tell me about it someday.” -Cool Hand Luke
8 foot privacy fence?
Get some god damn land mines.
Crazy ass neighbors. I have had problems with neighbors, but I always, always keep my distance. First rule: do not befriend your neighbor. A simple Hi and By, talk about the weather, etc. fine. But never, ever become buddies. I have never seen any good come from it.
The way I would handle it is:
If I did not think he was dangerous, I would go all crazy on him. The first day his dog pooped in my yard, I would have gone off. Annoying little stuff, like cutting plants that are over his property line, even by an inch, I would just ignore. But, if he is that annoying, and you do not think he will physically harm you, go bat shit crazy!!!
Now, if he is dangerous, violent, disturbed, I would never even speak with him. I also would not complain, even if his dog pooped in my yard.
I swear to God I would just move after awhile. Life is far too short to have to live with being annoyed everyday.
Hilarious!!! Match made in heaven.
You pointed out how, if you all were going by the letter of the rule, you could punish him. This came through very clearly in what you said here as a “well if you do that, I’ll do this” kind of way. That isn’t pointing out his vulnerabilities, it’s threatening him.
Again, the way you related it sounds like he was pointing out that they needed trimming, and mentioning that he’d be in his rights to trim them. A tiny little threat there maybe, but it sounds like he was hinting that you should trim them, the threat being that if you didn’t he would. At it sounds like he didn’t say “trim them or I will” so much as “if you don’t trim them, my wife is gonna make me do it”
And instead of saying “You’re right, I’ll hire a guy to get those trimmed.”, you said “Oh year, well I could make you move your fence. Glass Houses, dude.”
I’m not saying this relationship is savable, but it doesn’t sound like your neighbor is 100% to blame for where its gotten.
And yeah, when he was finally trimming the trees, which he felt unqualified to do, he was also pretty pissed at you, since it was actually your job to do what he was doing, and he may have taken some of that anger out on your trees.
Just remember that in his version of the story it is you who is the irrational jerk, and consider that maybe sometimes he’s right.
Yep. 100% legal.
And not telling your neighbors you’re having it done is also 100% legal. And kinda rude.
I think this is key. I imagine that if he came here and told the story, he’d de-emphasize certain things and emphasize others, tell essentially the same story, and I’d be making fun of him for thinking SFP was the crazy neighbor.
Be fair: while moving the dog doo to the other yard (likely by shovel) might not be the best response, in that story at least he did come off as the normal one in the relationship.
Who among us might not decide that flinging a little dog doo was better than calling animal control on a neighbor’s dogs. Better when you have to live next to the people involved, anyway. In retrospect, maybe involving the authorities would have been better, but shoveling the sh*t actually worked, so …
And yeah, it sounds like this relationship started to go downhill when [sarcasm] you had the temerity to build a house in the middle of his garbage dump and then started objecting to him using “your yard” as his garbage dump.[/sarcasm]
So, measuring my property line and not informing him is rude (but I have a legal right to do it) but him hacking my trees without informing me (which he had a legal right to do) was not rude?
I am baffled by you, but maybe that"s what you are aiming for. The only way to have you understand this situation is to be blessed with a neighbor like I have. Which I really hope happens to you someday.
I have no idea what set him off. I can only speculate. I have lived here for a decade, and until last year, there were no negative words between us. He may not have liked me, and I may not have liked him, but we still could say hello and be civil. That’s all I need from a neighbor. But in this case, that is expecting too much.
You folks are judging this based on a couple of incidents. There are more. I won’t go into them because that wasn’t the idea for this thread. I didn’t put it in IMHO, i put it in GQ.
I do wonder if those of you that are so quick to assume I am the problem here have lived only in apartments in your adult life, or on a farm, where your neighbor is a half-mile away, though. Because many folks who have responded seem to understand what having a crazy neighbor is like. And I’m positive I’m not the crazy one. My wife would be the first one to tell me if I was the problem in this situation, and she agrees that we didn’t being this on ourselves. She is also baffled by the whole situation.
But I think at this stage, it is pointless to explain everything that has happened over the last decade. Because you would either question the veracity of it, or you would think I am obviously hiding an incriminating part of the story.
Whatever. This thread was asking for advice, not asking for opinions on who the real problem in this situation is.
Let’s just close this. I got what I needed from it.
FWIW I think you’re both being crazy neighbors here: you’re both escalating instead of de-escalating.
Dude. DUUUUDE. I have had crazy neighbors.
Downstairs neighbors who on the day before my wedding ask me for advice on how to clean their new snake, the one with a giant lump in its belly from the cat it just ate, disregarding the fact that our shared house has plenty of paths for snakes to travel (we had cats).
Next door neighbors whose kid would go outside in his underwear and scream at the house, presumably at his mom, for nearly an hour at a time.
Across the street neighbors who park their shiny sports cars in a way that makes it very difficult to get out of the driveway without hitting them.
And so on.
I know from crazy neighbors.
I also know that if I don’t want things to get worse, I stay calm and look for ways to de-escalate. A crazy person generally has no trouble getting crazier, and I don’t want to enter the Who’s More Batshit contest, because whether I win or lose I lose.
The suggestions you’re getting that you seem to like all are about how to be even crazier than your neighbor is. Folks telling you to chill, you shout “YOU DON’T KNOW ME!” like this is some Jerry Springer episode.
De-escalate. That’s your solution.
No idea why you think this would be rude.
As soon as the neighbour left shit all over your yard once you moved in, the gauntlet was thrown.
Sadly, you can’t kill him. I vote for a huge fence and palpable silence.
Personally - the ONLY time I would return the dog doo to the perpetrators yard was if things were already to the stage of a Montague / Capulet feud. Even if it was a repeat offense, and I’d given warnings and whatever else I still wouldn’t fling poo into somone else’s yard. I’d just dump it with my grass clippings, or into the bin or whatever then tell the neighbour what I had done.
Because it’s a shared property line?
What you do to your side also affects him?
Again, as mentioned, you don’t have to, but some things you just do because it makes living with people easier. We have mouths and have developed the ability to speak for a reason
I grew up on a series of farms, then moved to a small town, then moved to a town house, and currently I live in a highrise apartment - with crazy downstairs neighbours that called the police on me before I even moved in.