I ask because apparently, I’m that guy.
I try to be friendly with everyone at work. I show an interest in their families, hobbies, work, etc, yet when I ask anyone if they want to go to lunch I get an immediate and automatic “No!”. They go out with each other all the time, and I will be included if a large enough group goes.
They all seem to be good buddies, yet I’m always on the outside. I would understand if I was rude or obnoxious, but nothing like that is going on.
So, why do you automatically say “no” to certain people? Is attractivness just a huge part of it? What examples do you have of people you won’t go to lunch with?
He’s my best friend, but there are times when I dread eating with him (I usually do, though). The basic problem is that there are pigs with better table manners. I’ve actually seen him get food on his back.
So of course, he’s been promoted to management.
When you eat, does the food go from the plate to your mouth, via the proper utensils? Or does it frequently make unscheduled detours?
Are you a one-upper (you constatnly “best” other persons’ stories)?
Are you a close-talker?
Do you ask people about themselves but never reveal anything about yourself…stalkerish-like?
Do you make more money than them, and they know it?
Are you their boss? If not, are you the boss’ (bosses?) favorite?
Are you a freak in an office full of fundies?
Do you smell?
Barring all of that, I’d suggest you ask someone for the truth. If you have no one that you think WOULD tell you the truth, ask your boss. He/she is supposed to manage people and if one of the group is being excluded, then they have a responsibility to help that person and the cohesion of the team.
Good luck, and I’m sorry…people suck. I hope you can find the solution!
I don’t go anywhere for work, but there are some people that just make me leave the room when they walk in. That’s about the time I remember there’s something I have to do in the office, and I go hide in there. It’s usually a personality thing though…those that don’t have them, I avoid.
The following is just meant as an example, AV8R, I’m not saying that you are this way…
There’s a woman I work with, who I’m currently reasonably friendly with and we do go out now and then to grab lunch. However, when she first started, most of us would avoid her like the plague when it came to all things social. Why? Because what she thought was “friendly” behavior was actually driving us all up a wall.
She was loud, she never shut up, she would actually tell people “Shut up and listen to me!” because she thought it was cute… in fact, her desire to be cute and popular was essentially what drove everyone crazy, because she was just always, always ON. She could not interact with male co-workers without becoming a MegaFlirt (to be fair, some of them loved it, but some were just irritated). And she would dispense details about her personal life that she thought made her seem cool and fun, which taken out of context (the only way we could take them, since she told us nothing else) made her come off like an irresponsible twit.
What’s changed? She got promoted (long story) from temp to permanent worker and was more or less forced by the demands of her job to grow up a little. The traits I mentioned above are all still there, but she’s a touch quieter. She balances the “Ain’t I cool” tales with real, thoughtful conversation. She still flirts, but everyone has pretty much accepted that as “just the way she is” and is no longer irked by it.
I know this is purely anecdotal but it’s the first thing I thought of when I saw your thread title…
I’m a very anti-social person, I admit. I screen my calls (when I live by myself), and I like to eat by myself. (Because tt’s quiet, I can read without feeling guilty because I should be doing something else, and it’s just so peaceful.)
I usually do answer my phone, and I do enjoy eating with other people … so I’m not completely against people. Why do I do this? More specifically, why do I avoid certain people?
Sometimes, it’s because I know what they’re going to say and I just don’t want to hear it. (Whether it be about work, my personal life or theirs, politics, whatever.) Sometimes it’s because I just don’t like them, or can’t have a conversation with them, for whatever reason. (They answer *every question monosyllabically – even ones which call for discussion/elaboration, and never return the salvo, etc.)
In short, AV8R, it could be you or it could be them. You said you can have conversations with them, just not at mealtimes? It’d probably be best to ask somebody there with whom you have a good relationship. Good luck!
Then there was the time I was chatting with a guy I knew at work, and he was telling some (totally innocent) anecdote, and I had a similar anecdote which began "So me and my boyfriend - "
And the third cow-orker at the table shot up and went, “I don’t need to hear this!”
Well, my coworker John wants to have kimchee at every meal, and the smell (not being used to it) is enough to make me want to leave the office, but I don’t think that’s what you’re talking about.
This isn’t a lunch or work thing, but there is a woman who is in an organization with me. She cannot talk about anything–anything at all–without bringing it back to her and her divorce and how her husband screwed her out of custody because he assumed it would be cheaper to take their daughter than pay child support. I feel for her plight, but she in incapable of discussing anything else. Every topic leads back to this in some way, either to her huband, or his lawyer, or the corrupt judge, or the corrupt arbitrator… it’s a broken record, and it’s not even a discussion; it’s a one-sided diatribe. I would do anything to avoid being around her for more than 5 seconds.
Any chance you’re a broken record?
That said, some people are just cliquish and weird. They’ll exclude people–perfectly nice people–because they don’t want to expand their work/friend circle any further. Also, if it’s a “political” office (people gossiping, jockeying for credit, etc), having lunch with someone may have all kinds of “costs” tied to it that others can even begin to figure out. That’s not hopeful, I know, but it might not be you.
Do you eat off of other people’s plates? I work with a woman who weights about 180 lbs, is always on a diet, only orders a salad, then asks for a taste (i.e. 1/3) of everyone else’s food. I can’t stand it!
Hey, I feel for you!! I am going through a similar situation at home. There are a few neighbours here that for whatever reason have decided they really do not like me. Since then, I have noticed that anyone they become friends with will not even make eye contact with me. It’s getting under my skin because they must be saying something, and something damned nasty, in order for new neighbours to avoid simple eye contact with me. It’s driving me nuts because if something terrible is being said about me to this many people I’d like to put an end to it, but the kind of people that either start or follow these games aren’t likely to be honest with me anyway.
I am the youngest intern at the place where I work. As such, people are always asking to buy me lunch. BUT, I think there is ONE person in this office who doesn’t talk to me like i’m three, and that’s only because she knows my mother and knows that I HATE being talked to like I’m a child.
I don’t eat lunch with these people. I can stand it! I will cringe everytime they talk to me, so instead, I work through lunch (not hard because one I start imputting data, I usually zone out and time flies… <rolls her eyes>) Then I go home an hour early, and eat a late lunch / early dinner with some of my friends.
So, to answer your question, I refuse to eat with all of them…
