That line of thinking has its place, but I don’t think its wise to regard it as a main principle. At a friend’s wedding the priest instructed the bride and groom to each dedicate themselves to doing things that would make the other happy, one result of which would be each of them would have their happiness tended to. I thought it was great advice. Of course one aspect is that sometimes you do things you don’t really want to do, or don’t care much about, for the sake of the other. The long term dividends, however, far outweigh the sacrifice of not indulging your preferences all the time.
Who earns the dough might be a minor factor, but having the other’s blessing should be the main one. Some things are priorities that shouldn’t be set aside for personal desires, e.g. replacing that soon-to-die hot water heater is more important than getting that new set of golf clubs, regardless of how the money is obtained.
I think the real question here is what he was doing at the supermarket in the middle of the day. Clearly, he’s a lazy lie-about supported by his woman. She earns it, he spends it.
Further, the free time issue is really more of an issue for us than the money is. I do almost all of the housework, pet care, and yardwork, but he works a lot more hours than I do, so I don’t feel unduly burdened by this. And we adjust things as needed. Like this week. I’ve got a lot of extra stuff to get done before Christmas–cookies to bake, quilts to finish, gifts to wrap, a party to throw, and eleventy billion tons of leaves to rake. In view of all that, I’ve delegated some of the housework and pet care to him. He’s having a light month at work, so he’s not unduly burdened by the extra responsibilities at home.
No, doesn’t matter who earned the money. If your partner is out buying stuff you don’t think you can afford, you’re going to be under increased stress and it’s going to be a source of conflict. End of story. Doesn’t matter who earned the money. There’s going to be more stress and probably some resentment if B winds up having to work overtime to pay for something s/he told A they couldn’t afford, but there’s going to be trouble no matter how you slice it.
Drachillix and I are partners in life. Financially, I earn a lot more money than he does but he is a conservative and long-range planner, so our money has worked harder and more profitably for us since we married.
We’ve been nothing but good for each other since we met; I can’t say we’ve always been equal partners, but we make a good team. I see him contributing more to our partnership more of the time. My job can be emotionally and physically draining and he sees to it that I can keep doing it. He works a more 9-5, M-Fri. 40 hour week so he has more everyday energy and my co-workers sigh over how wonderfully cared for I am.
Our marriage is not ‘equal’ a lot of the time but we respect each other and care for each others’ needs as they come along, because needs change. We both have almost all of what we want and can see more of it coming if we stick together.
Equality is more a state of mind than it is a state of finances. My husband and I have been pretty close to equal money-wise for most of our relationship. I’m currently making about $10K more than him. We still discuss all major purchases because it’s OUR life together that we signed up for. If we weren’t going to operate this way, there wouldn’t have been much point in marrying (although we operated this way before we married, as well). He was more than a bit slow on adding me to the mortgage. But he finally did. Good thing, too. It was beginning to become an issue.
