Argh! When will this horrible mistake ever die?! Mikey didn’t eat everything, Mikey hated everything!!
That no matter how super-nerdy a group of kids is, there is always one really cool kid who will hang out with them. How really cool kid stays really cool while hanging out with the super-nerds ia one of life’s mysteries.
I learned that if your car starts dripping gasoline, it will explode within a few seconds.
Thus, I managed to completely confuse my dad by screaming at the top of my lungs one time while he tried to fix a dripping line on our station wagon (which was the only one ever made that didn’t have wooden paneling). I knew that he was going to get blown up.
That there was an pocket-sized kingdom somewhere in the area of the South Pacific where an eminently proper white-suited gentleman and his dwarfish sidekick would cater to rich (predominantly white) westerners and indulge their wildest fantasies.
It’s called Thailand. :eek:
I know… but he ate Life Cereal…and if he liked that then the kid will eat anything 
Don’t let the chain come off of your Zuni fetish doll!!! In fact, if it comes with a warning scroll, don’t bring it home at all.
Skinny Jewish guys are the epitome of toughness and super-human cool once they assume Italian names, don leather jackets, ride motorcycles and say “Eyyyy!”
They can also conduct all of their business in the men’s toilet and no-one will raise an eyebrow.
I learned:
[ul]
[li]that if your a Hot Female PI-type, you either don’t wear a bra while running or at least one that gives any support[/li][li]that if you’re a “Pepper” and you’re proud and that you’ll tell everyone about it[/li][li]that lots of middle aged men wear white jumpsuits and still have women throw their bras at you[/li][li]that if you are a Good (teenage) Girl, you never give it up without benefit of marriage, but it’s socially acceptable to use asprins as a birth control look-alike[/li][li]that if you are a Bad (teenage) Girl, instead you get to be abused by Leif Garrett[/li][li]that even if you are a biker thug or a slut working in a brewery, you are still wholesome[/li][li]that one can learn to unhook a bra in a one-handed single motion[/li][li]that an NFL superstar will give you his sweaty jersey for a trade-off can of Coke[/li][li]that there apparently wasn’t anything wrong with talking stuffed dragons, girls running around as sour grapes or taking a year’s worth of clothes for a three hour cruise[/li][li]that a middle-aged woman would constantly wear her hair in pigtails[/li][li]that some folks found out they liked peanut butter in their chocolate and vice-versa[/li][li]that Bowling for Dollars was considered interesting[/li][li]that James learned everything he’d ever need to know at 15[/li][li]that although you can be pursued for years by a boy you’re not interested, once the tide turns, it is YOU that loves HIM[/li][li]that you could find out about Beach Blanket Bingo, Moon Doggies and strange mind melds that never work, all over the course of a week, starting right after school[/li][li]that anything else ‘After School’ had some deep important meaning to learn[/li][li]that one should beware Lochness Monsters, Big Foots and the Bermuda Triangle, not to mention living in Stepford[/li][li]that there are certain fast foods places that’ll make your burger exactly the way you want it and every other one sucks[/li][li]that Easy Bake ovens were anything but, you can make Slinkies walk down stairs and were no one without having a smartass sister telling you how to connect your four discs, here, diagonally [/li][li]that solving crime is easier if you’re disrumpled, have a bird or really should concentrate on your real career[/li][li]that it’s easy to fool someone for years into believing you are gay[/li][li]that ‘good time’ vans where everywhere[/li][li]that Donny Osmond was a stud, albeit a chaste one [/li][li]that there are those who are close to their sleazy, lecherous apartment handimen[/li][/ul]
Ooooh! Did anyone mention that there are certain kinds of toilet paper we shouldn’t squeeze? Or that you should run from a giant, klumsy pitcher of juice? Watch out for those disemobodied noses too!
This is so fun!
That the LAPD allows eccentric police detectives to work on murder cases alone.
That the NYPD allows some eccentric police detectives to suck on lolly pops while working on murder cases, and borrows other detectives from the Taos NM marshal’s office so they can ride horses through NYC.
That $200 a day, plus expenses, will get you a trailer on Malibu beach, even if you never actually get paid.
That the Loud family of Santa Barbara, California were a bunch of obnoxiously-preppie, self-absorbed jerks. Except Lance. He was kind of cool.
That the Star Wars theme has lyrics.
What can you get a Wookie for Christmas? Holoporn!
That it’s okay to go on national TV stoned out of your gourd.
Something else I learned–that it is possible to train a pack of Dobermans to commit crimes using a special dog whistle.
(I didn’t imagine that, did I? There was really a series of movies about a law-breaking pack of dogs, right? RIGHT?? Nevermind…)
More:
[ul]
[li]that aliens are born in giant eggs, ape Vulcan signs and wear rainbow suspenders[/li][li]that as a masculine girlie, if you can bring home the bacon, you can also fry it up in a pan, but don’t ever, ever let him forget he’s a man[/li][li]that there are “love” bugs and game shows surrounding nothing but mountains and mountains of huge presents[/li][li]that Dorothy returns to Kansas at least once a year, kinda like Bing Crosby’s Christmas was always white[/li][li]that there are little tiny chuckwagons that race through your house and taunt your dogs[/li][/ul]
Yeah, faithfool, we all ran from that giant juice pitcher, especially after Jonestown! (Hey, I know, technically it was flavor aid they drank.)
Other things:
People who lived on the prairie in the 1800’s had better teeth than I do.
Everything can be solved with a hug. Hugging makes the world a better place. We could probably solve the Mideast crisis by hugging a whole lot.
Car chases are fun! Even if lots of people get run off the road or roll their car, nobody ever dies.
Cars can fly! (Note: this only applies in southeastern areas run by corrupt politicians.)
Dogs tend to be smarter than people. (For all I know, this may actually be true.)
Yeah, and that Charles Manson was a really scary guy!
Plus teaching them to sing. The whole world, I mean.
Also, if you want to escape the ol’ rat race, there apparently is someone who can hook you up in the wilderness and fly in supplies when you need them.
[As a side note to KRC… I’m so jealous of your location!! I think Albuqerque is one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever been and would love to live there if only they didn’t have a state tax. :(]
This sounds so familiar but I can’t place it. Little help please? It’s driving me nuts!
That if you live in the North, it will only snow on Christmas. That if you live in the South, it will always snow on Christmas.
That no matter how large a group is, no two people will have the same name.
And that I’m the most important person in the whole wide world. A quarter century of additional evidence has not quite backed that up, but the television told me so it must be true.