I’m talking about whole coconuts with the dried, dark brown shell that you have to open with a hammer, not the green ones. My neighbor opened some last night, planning on making drinks out of the juice, but the juice was less than delicious and the white fruit tasted like soap. So what do people do with these things? I can’t seem to find any recipes that use the original nut.
I ignore them.
My coconut comes on Shrimp, or in a fruity drink.
We tend to drain them and just eat the meat (the white fleshy parts). That’s about it.
And you don’t think it tastes like soap? It was weird–the nuts we had had none of what I would call “coconut” flavor, they just tasted bland and vaguely like laundry detergent smells.
Grate the meat. Sprinkle the gratings over, say, a chocolate-frosted cake. Or over ice cream. Squeeze the gratings to make coconut milk.
I’m told that the juice is isotonic and sterile so it’s quite possible to stick one end of an IV into a coconut and the other end into a person.
I think the mods frown on giving medical advice.
Again, we drain it, but yeah- it’s never as bad as soap. We eat it as is most of the time, or mix it up with salted nuts, and that’s about it. It’s sorta bland, but never really soapy to me.
The milk always taste sorta rich to me- but then again, i’ve mostly drank the green ones if I recall.
We have a lamp, the base of which is half a coconut shell. You could try that.
They can be used** to simulate the sounds of horse hooves, allowing you to confound and annoy any convenient peasants, castle sentries, or French castle sentries you may find…
**the non-migratory coconuts, that is
I can’t help you with recipes but I’ve had coconuts that tasted as you describe and they were bad. Around here it’s fairly common to get bad ones, because of the distance they’re shipped I assume. I weigh a few in my hand before buying them and try to pick the ones that feel a bit heavy for their size. The fresh ones don’t taste soapy at all and the milk is quite good IMO.
One of the joys of spending some time at the beach here is ordering a fresh coconut from a beach vendor, hacked open at the top (the coconut, not the vendor) with a straw for the milk and spoon for the meat. Costs about a buck.
Put de lime in and drink them both up.
I stand them in a row.
And then do you have a lovely bunch?
Juggle them while walking a bridge alarmingly close its weight limit. 
One of my favorite things to do one is to grate the meat into a bowl lined with paper towels, dry it off as much as possible, and then fold it in to a meringue mixture I’ve prepared. Put the glop into a pastry bag, pump out one to two-inch rounds, and patiently bake in a low-heat oven for a while.
As for the meringue, its composition is key. It contains, among other things, a VERY VERY small amount of almond extract (small as in one or two toothpicks dipped and dropped small), an even smaller hint of ginger, some vanilla, sugar, paprika (just kidding), and the suggestion of scotch or spiced rum.
Note the pattern here – there is an extraordinary delicacy to the suspension of flavors, so be careful not to turn any particular volume higher than one. The coconut should clearly dominate but not overwhelm (i.e., they shouldn’t be chewy), but the lattice supporting it should be overwhelmingly mysterious. Think dressing the flavor in a negligé – sometimes what’s provocative is what’s just slightly hidden.
Curses! Shakes fist at blondebear
Um, since my first idea is taken, how about make coconut bras?
I’m baffled by the differentiation between green and brown coconuts. The green is just the husk around the brown nut. They’re the same thing.
Curses! Shakes fist at Hockey Monkey
Throw them out. Obviously yours are no good. If you happen to get fresh ones, there are many good suggestions here. I have heard that fresh ones feel heavy, and slosh a lot when you shake them, but I may have that wrong (I believe Alton Brown did a Good Eats about them).
Here are some options:
cough