My brother D was severely bipolar. It was controlled with medication up until about a year ago, when his meds abruptly just stopped working. It was a losing battle as he and his doctor tried to find some combination of drugs that would do the trick. After he lost his job and apartment, my other brother K offered to let him stay with him halfway across the country.
D arrived at K’s house on Wednesday. K has a gun collection, most of which he keeps locked up, except for one he keeps in his bedroom. On Thursday, while K wasn’t home, D found it and killed himself.
My mother is devastated and going through the typical “I should have known/I should have done something” angst. My father is being stoic as usual. My brother K is hard-hit because he feels responsible. My mother wants me to write K and give him some words of wisdom to make him feel better, but I’m kind of at a loss as to what to say. That he couldn’t have known should be obvious and seems sort of hollow. And when you come home to find that your brother has blown his brains out with your gun, I don’t imagine there’s much anyone could say to make it okay.
Any advice for me?
I’m not looking for sympathy for myself, as this is not a major personal loss to me. My brothers are both considerably older than I am, so for all intents and purposes I’m an only child. Growing up, I barely remember when they were still at home. They’re just a couple of guys who happen to have my parents. So I don’t know why my mother thinks my voice has any weight with K, but I have to try.
“How’re you holding up… it’s not your fault… no one blames you… remember D was sick and he wasn’t always like that… we tried to reach out to him and help sooth his pain and for whatever reason it was too much… try not to hate him for what he decided to do, either… keep in touch… AND if you’re up for it, please come home for the holidays, we miss you and want to see you again… We love you. Take care.”
First, my sympathy to you and your family. I know you said that this is not a major loss for you, but sympathy anyway, if only for the task you have now.
Don’t think of this letter as “trying to make it ok.” It can’t, and if you think of it that way, you won’t be able to write it. Think of it as doing what you can to help your brother and to show him that he is not to blame. You can’t make it ok, but maybe you can make it a little bit better than it is now for him. Sympathy letters and card never “make it ok,” but they help, if only to make us feel that someone cares.
You said “that he couldn’t have known seems obvious and hollow” but right now, he might not know that, and that is probably the heart of what you need to say. You said he is feeling responsible–tell him that you don’t think he is responsible, that D was determined and no one could have stopped him, that you know that K was trying to help D by letting him stay, etc. Tell him you are sorry that D died this way, and that to please not let it ruin his life. Tell him, if this is true, to call you to talk, or that you will call to talk. Tell him your parents love him and are worried.
I know you think a letter from you isn’t much, but if I were K, I think it would mean a lot to me. He is in a terrible situation.
I had a similar situation in that my father killed himself with a shotgun after refusing treatment after the mandatory hospitalization after his first attempt.
My brother blamed himself because, as he said, he should have looked for another gun. I never knew my father had 2 shotguns either. We all knew he had one.
This is going to be very hard for your brother, just be as supportive as you can, reassure him no one blames him, and keep inviting him to talk. it may not seem like it’s helping much, but my brother said that it really did end up helping him and he was very grateful … once he got through the worst of it.
Unfortunately, there are people that we don’t know how to help. What’s really sad is the damage they leave in their wake.
I’m sorry to hear what’s happened, it’s a burden to all of you.
I think, if I were your brother now, the big thing is that he’s going to need to hear time and time again that no one blames him for what happened. He’s got to be going through major guilt for this. It’s not justified, and every time you and your family can repeat that, the sooner he’ll be able to accept it. Beyond that imperative, I think Askia’s hit the nail on the head, for what else you can say.
this hits pretty close to home for me. A friend of mine attempted, but was unsuccessful in taking his own life this week. He’s currently in the hospital. I am planning on talking to him and/or seeing him this weekend. I’ve been trying to think of what to say to him all week. I think something like “I’m very glad we can have this conversation”, or something like that. I really have no idea what to say. Any thoughts?
no hijack intended; just saw this thread and it hit home with me.
krisolov, I’m going to offer you some contrarian advice. Please, if you do take it, be careful how you use it. IANA mental health professional, just a consumer - and I have mental scars from living with a roommate who would talk about suicide constantly. This tends to color my opinions on the subject.
Take the time to tell him how angry and scared you are that he did this. Let him really see how upset you are. He’s going to be getting lots of sympathy, I’m sure. And I’m not saying don’t offer him any - but let him know that it’s not without other emotions. Don’t say anything hateful, be careful how you phrase things, but let him know you’re angry he tried this, and that he felt you wouldn’t try to help him.
I think some honest anger can do some good - if for no other reason than it’s easy for people in the depths of depression to believe that sympathy is being offered just because people think it’s something they’re obligated to do.
FWIW:
there once was a time when a very good friend of mine told me how angry she was at what i was putting her through (i was in an abusive relationship). it’s the only thing that anyone said to me that actually got through at the time.
Thanks. I have been wondering how appropriate it was to express some of my admitted anger about what he did. I’m still not sure I will at this time, but thanks for giving me a point of reference. I think your advice is well considered.
I would write something in the letter about how much your brother, D, had been suffering with his mental illness.
If someone had a physical illness that caused unending pain for a whole year a lot of us could understand that the person might not want to live. The same could be said for your brother. To go a whole year where there was no relief from his disease, and no hope for any relief in the future, could have been too much for him to bear any more. Try to think of your brother as finally escaping his never ending pain.
Often it is harder to live with things in our thoughts than it is to live with pain. If your brother was suffering so much every single minute of every day that he felt he had to kill hiself he would have even if the gun hadn’t been there.
Offer as much comfort, sympathy, unconditional love, and support as you can. In the end, that’s all anybody can ever really do in the face of such a tragedy.
If D was so bent on suicide that he went rummaging around K’s house until he found a hidden gun… taking that gun out of the picture wouldn’t have saved him. He would have found some other way, and probably a much more painful one. Terrible as it is, at least K’s having that gun around saved D from suffering even more at the end.
(I don’t necessarily think all of the above is completely correct, but I think it’d be helpful for K to hear it.)
Thanks so much for the input, everyone. You really helped me get my thoughts together. I sent my brother an email using many of your suggestions. Incidentally, I hope I didn’t sound callous. I’m fond of my brothers and we have/had cordial relationships. I’m going to miss D. We just weren’t as close as brothers typically are because of the large age gap.
Here’s what I wrote:
*How are you holding up? Mom and Dad tell me you’re beating yourself up because you feel responsible. I can assure you that no one blames you in the least. {Brother} was mentally ill for a long time, which was no one’s fault and was beyond our power to do anything about, though we all tried to reach out to him as much as possible. You were trying to help him by taking him into your home, so you did a good thing. Unfortunately, he was too far gone – again, not your fault.
Frankly, I suspect that he had been planning this all along, knowing that you had guns. If he hadn’t had access to that particular gun, he would have broken into your locked stash. It was grossly unfair of him to use you like that, but we shouldn’t be too angry with him because that was his illness, not him. He was determined to end his life one way or another, possibly in a much more painful fashion if need be.
Mom and Dad are worried about you. They don’t blame you, and they need you to take care of yourself. I know you’re going through a rough patch right now for reasons other than this, so I hope you’re not thinking along the same lines {Brother} did. Let me know how you’re doing.*
