What do you think: Full/white/formal church wedding for couple living together 15 years?

In My Humble Opinion
1

What do you think: Full/white/formal church wedding for couple living together 15 years?

So there’s a small group of retired women who go out together for lunch after we take a particular exercise class each week. (Yes, we probably eat more calories than we burn, oh well. It’s a social thing.)

Today one of the gang was all excited because her daughter is marrying the love of her life (yay! for her) and she wants to do everything “the right way” just as her mother had always told her she wanted her daughter to do. That is, Bridal Shower, and Gift Registry, and Rehearsal Dinner, and Church wedding with formal attire and white wedding dress and a half dozen bridesmaids and flower girls, and reception afterwards at a ritzy country club and all that. Sounds lovely, right?

But… Well, the couple to be married have been together for a bit over 14 years. They have three children together (12 and 9 and 7 years old) plus the bride’s 16 year old son from a previous relationship, all living together in a house the groom-to-be inherited from his mother some years back.

And beyond her happiness at them getting married, the mother confessed she was “a bit worried” over how she and her husband will handle all the bills for the wedding and reception and all, what with them both being retired now and her husband having some health problems…

Yes, really. This well-established couple in their forties, both of whom have jobs, who live in a fully paid off house, expect her retired parents (who were never wealthy, just lower middle class) to foot the bills for the entire thing, just like she was a broke kid marrying fresh out of high school or something?

Does this seem even slightly reasonable to anyone?

I mean, sure, get married – after 15 years, you ought to know whether you’re suited or not, right? And have a church ceremony if that’s important to you. And celebrate with your friends and family, fine. I wish them a long and happy life together.

But sticking your parents with all the stress and expenses of hosting this blow out? Especially when your father is a nearly 70 year old man with stage three kidney disease?? And your mother is already stressed out having to provide a lot of medical care for him? What the hell?

2

This part seems crazy:

Do mothers really tell their daughters that this is something to aspire to?

Anyway, I’m fine with them having the big formal wedding. It’s not for me, but some people seem to enjoy it. When the couple is older than about 29, I wouldn’t expect the bride’s parents to have any financial responsibility for the event.

3

The bride’s parents paying for everything is a stupid tradition, but if they were willing to do it 15 years ago, why not now? Financially, such a delayed payment is actually a bonus, interest-wise.

4

Ditto. Big, white-gowned weddings aren’t only for virgins anymore. But no grown adult should expect the parents to pay for their wedding. It sounds like the mother is already expecting to pay. Too bad. Unlikely she’ll listen to anything else.

5

Whatever the couple wants to do for their wedding is fine, but expecting her parents to pay for it on these facts is ridiculous.

6

They are adults, and should act like it, rather than expecting mommy and daddy to make such a huge sacrifice.

7

Frankly, IMHO, if two people have been married that long, they ought not to have a ceremony at all. It would be like throwing a huge graduation party for someone who… graduated college 15-20 years ago. The time has passed. It is a bit ridiculous.

8

We got married in our late 40’s and paid for everything ourselves, except my folks really wanted to pay for the rehearsal dinner so we let them. But that wasn’t a financial hardship for them.

I can understand a young couple just starting out doing this, but an established family going for a big fancy wedding strikes me as ludicrous. It sounds like it’s something the mom wants more than anything.

9

I think they should have whatever wedding they want to have. If they can afford it. That sort of wedding isn’t my style, but I’m not them.

None of the above is relevant.

But it sounds like they can’t afford it. Nobody owes you your dream wedding. Even if Mom and Dad are rich. And they aren’t.

10

My biggest problem is blindly following archaic societal “rules”: You must have a lavish wedding, brides can only wear white if they’re virgins, and the bride’s parents have to pay through the nose for the (overpriced) wedding.

We were proud of our daughter (and relieved!) when she asked if we’d be willing to pay for a third of her wedding. She and fiancé would pay 1/3, with the groom’s folks paying the other 1/3.

A nice side effect of that is that any expense was partly shouldered by the couple, so they thought twice before saying OK to anything pricey. And none of the parents were stressed by the expenses.
I think the bride’s parents should give her a figure and say "With our finances and health problems, this is what we can afford. You can have a huge wedding and pitch in yourselves (and maybe get groom’s folks on board, too), or you can elope and put this money toward a honeymoon.

11

I’m with the majority opinion in this thread: the happy couple should have whatever sort of ceremony they want, as long as they’re paying for it.

But there’s no reason they should expect a dime from Mom and Dad. If the parents want to, no reason they can’t go with digs’ suggestion of telling the bride, “here’s how much we can chip in, you’re on your own for the rest.”

But that’s purely optional on their part, and not something the not-so-blushing bride should expect as a matter of course.

12

This. In fact under the income circumstances, it might be cool for the bride/groom to do something huge and meaningful for mom and dad with the money rather than blowing it all on some dog and pony show full of fertility and purity symbols & prayers that simply don’t apply to people in their station.

13

They’re not married.

14

I agree, but shouldn’t that be the same if the couple were 20 year old pretend virgins?

15

20-somethings are barely no longer children. Their position socially and financially is typically a lot more fragile than a couple approaching middle age. It’s less [fucking creepy, frankly] for young people to make believe at mom & dad’s expense than for a couple who very well might be marrying off their oldest in two years.

16

Actually I changed my mind. How large is her dowry? Without knowing that, we can’t really give an informed answer.

17

Only if the expectations for the event have risen slower than their interest income has, which is not a given.

I think there are two issues here.

  1. Mom and Dad paying for the wedding of their children makes more sense when the children are young and unestablished, and makes more sense when there is a cultural expectation that Mom and Dad are really planning the party for their family and friends. Makes less sense here.

  2. Have the wedding that whoever is paying for it can actually afford.

18

Is the dowry to be paid in gold, or in livestock?

19
  1. People should have whatever kind of weddings that make them happy
  2. No one should put emself into financial hardship to throw a party (a category that includes weddings)
20

Gotcha, I misunderstood the line “the couple to be married have been together for a bit over 14 years.” Thought it meant married for 14 years and just trying to do a wedding.