With some bumps and bruises we had been together for almost 7 years when we broke up for a year and a half. Worst thing that could happen to us, and best thing that we could happen to us. Mistakes were made during that time. I found in me things that needed finding, we grew financially on our own, we both became more independent. And we both discovered that although we could live without each other it wasn’t nearly as much fun as it is when we are together. We got married May 2003.
It helps a lot that we are very much alike in many things, and whatever differences we have play the important role of keeping us entertained trying to figure out each other. We spend a lot of time apart (because of his job), and I like that, it reminds us of what exactly we miss about each other. It gives us perspective. I give him space, he can go have fun with the boys, and do stupid things while at it. He gives me space too.
The first child is on the way, and although we couldn’t be happier about it, we’ve made a point in reassuring each other that we’ll try to stay happy even if things get difficult sometimes.
We are both 34 years old, and we have both made the commitment that this is ‘until death do us part’. We joke that we are either going to die together happy and of old age; or go down like in that movie The War of the Roses.
My parents and my best friend’s parents as well got great divorces. They separated before things got bitter… they are still close and communicate. My Mom is still doing the tax calculations for my dad 10 years later on. Both me and my brothers never had any negative feelings about the separation since we saw no fights and they still help one another. Christmas has all the new boyfriends and girlfriends included.
Good “Marriage” is knowing when to quit too sometimes… if they had stayed together my Mom most certainly would have been quite bitter. Now she is in a good relationship and is happy.
Also... from reading this thread... I had the impression that **couples that had kids early on seem less happy**... maybe not having kids helps too. **Comments ?** I've seen a few couples have kids to "save" the marriage... and it just drags it on further.
I was never married… but I had some long relationships (4 years twice)… and I’ll put in a word for the “soul crushing” crowd. I felt the same way… and if I married it probably would be worse.
In both cases I felt I was losing my individuality. I felt “trapped” and under obligation… instead of willing partner. Nowadays I can say it comes in part from a guilty feeling of mine of not being kind or present enough. Both times I relished way too much my “free” time… and I certainly took the opportunities to cheat on an occasion.
Losing contact with friends… and routine are dead certain ways to kill any relationship. I sincerely prefer relationships that aren’t as “sticky” and being together all the time. I will defend my “free time” much more than before… and perhaps be less willing to spending so much time with my girlfriends.
Someone mentioned it, but you need to keep in mind that the “unhappy marriages” are often composed of individuals who would be unhappy as two singles. Sure, you men are saying, “if it wasn’t for the chain around my ankle, yadda yadda yadda” but I know those guys. They aren’t happy. They’re lame. Big TV. Big pool table. Big Vegas trip. Big whoop.
So, one of these guys is married instead. . you can’t say that marriage took these guy’s souls or made them unhappy. They were people who either got the wrong partner, or people for whom no partner exists that COULD make them happy.
You can’t criticize the INSTITUTION of MARRIAGE because a lot of the wrong people get into it.
And people always talk about how miserable they got after they got married. Well, there are some people whose relationships start to go south and they get married to fight that feeling. Of course they think that the marriage was the problem.
Even worse, I think there are people whose marriages start to go south and to fight that feeling, they decide to HAVE KIDS. :smack:
Anyway, I thought I’d throw that in.
FWIW, very happily married. I don’t think there’s a secret. I just simply married a person who I enjoy being around and who let’s me be alone when I want to be alone.
Deception’s a major player in these long, flawed relationships. Outsiders (even children, siblings) are unlikely ever to know the truth, even if they’ve been affected. That for me is the most insidious aspect of these things.
Married 27 years, 26 of them very happy, and it keeps getting better. And its not just luck and having no bad things happen.
We have had hard times, one very sick kid for 9 months, several cross-country moves and many job related seperations. The seperations were much harder when we were younger and the kiddies were small. Now they just add spice to our lives, every reunion is like another honeymoon.
However, Rashak, you didn’t MARRY those partners. If you did, then you might have an unhappy marriage. But, it’s not being married that would make you unhappy. It would be being married to a spouse that you didn’t feel gave you the appropriate amount of freedom. When you find one that will, you will no longer think of a committed relationship as being soul-crushing.
Saying that some relationships are soul-crushing is not an indictment of marriage at all. it’s just that some people with these soul-crushing relationships happen to (stupidly) get married. And then, they wrongly blame it on the marriage.
Well I served less “time” than some others in this thread… but since others haven’t spoken out about their “soul crushing”… I might give it a try. First by saying that for me it wasn’t as bad as for these poor married guys. Also I’m 32… I was 26-27 at the time.
Its a mix of feeling trapped… a part of you wants to be in the relationship… but another part wants out, you feel unable to say “no”, you miss your friends and if you do manage sometime off… its great… but it makes you feel bad about things or the relationship. (She also was a bit jealous of my RPG friends and hobbies…) I always felt tired too. Whenever I was with my GF I had like zero initiative for ideas for going out… I never felt like doing much. I could sleep all saturday afternoon not caring for her. Its hard to describe… I never complained about things I didn’t like… I’d just shrug and go on.
Naturally most here will say… why did you continue the relationship ? Hindsight of course makes it easier. After so many years… I was also attached to her kid (previous relationship of hers). The sex was great though… and that was wierd. Vertically things sucked badly… horizontally we went very well… that helped extend things a bit longer.
Once I managed to get out... and after the regular 2 month grumpy period I was quite well. Managed to get my friends back and though I was lonely sometimes... I didn't have that "oppressive" feeling. She is a great woman... and we still talk once in a while... I don't blame her for anything I think... its just that I felt the way I described above. Probably mostly my problem.
I am such a doofus that should be Married 28 years, 27 happy. We don’t celebrate anniversaries so I forget. A couple of years ago Mr Jin and I were chatting on the phone (he was out of town again) and we finished talking and hung up. A couple of minutes later he called back and said “Do you know what day it is?” I replied “Tuesday?” The answer of course was it was our anniversary. We’d both totally forgotten.
:smack:
I’ve never been married, but a good solid majority of the marriages I’m aware of are happy:
Parents - 40+ years, happy
Both sets of grandparents (now deceased)- 50+ years, happy
Father’s sister - 40+ years, happy
Father’s brother - 1st marriage unhappy, 2nd marriage seems happy
Mother’s brother - 1st marriage unhappy, 2nd marriage seems unhappy
9 cousins who are married - 8 seem happy, one hard to assess
