The work is the diplomacy part. The compromise. The spending the Fourth of July at his mother’s even though you’d much rather be hanging out with friends. The “keeping your mouth shut” when her sister starts dating yet another loser and you know opening your mouth is NOT going to be useful. The splitting chores, which still means you have to clean the bathroom - which you dislike - because his dislike is greater. And which means you still need to wash your own delicates because even when its his turn to do the laundry, he throws everything into the drier on high. AND when he does throw things into the drier on high for the fourth time, reminding yourself to not throw a tizzy fit - you were the one who didn’t take your silk blouse out of the general hamper and into the “handwash” spot - you should have learned he doesn’t read labels on your clothes. It means being patient, being accepting that dinner is not made “your way” - that her parents insist that Christmas means everyone gets LOTS of gifts - sometimes wrapping up canned corn.
Add kids and the whole thing becomes more complicated as there is less time and less money for you to be selfish - and its much easier to resent what you lost than to recognize that your partner is also sacrificing.
Part of the work is continually evaluating those roles and adjusting, modifying and even reversing them as the need arises.
That doesn’t just mean that if A is working late tonight B should go ahead and make dinner. It means having to figure out what to do if A gets a once-in-a-lifetime job offer 1,000 miles away or B decideds that children in a marriage is a good idea after all, or A and B go from relative income parity to vast disparity.
I would add to what has already been said that some of the effort is directed towards finding things you and your spouse like to do together, and making the effort to schedule them.
I kidnapped my wife for the weekend at a bed and breakfast once. Got some friends of mine to baby-sit the kidlets, made the reservations, packed a suitcase for her, had a gift to give her, and scheduled everything from the moment she came in the door and said, “Where are the kids?” Major husband points.
She does the same sort of thing, in matters large and small. We are currently watching our way thru Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea (the original TV series) because we love cheesy old stuff like that, and she saw it on sale at Target. And that feeling of intimacy, where the two of us are sharing something that we and we alone like (the daughter can’t see the attraction, and she is gone for the weekend anyway), is its own reward.
So the effort goes into not merely refraining from doing or saying things she can’t stand, and not merely doing things that you don’t like, but also finding things to reinforce the bond. You learn over the years what each other’s hot buttons are, good and bad, and especially those that you both have. Then make an effort to hit the good ones, especially the shared ones.
What’s your favorite meal?
What’s your favorite movie?
What’s your least-favorite chore around the house?
What one thing would you change about yourself if you could?
What would you do if you had an afternoon (or a day, or a weekend, or a week) to yourself?
What’s the one thing somebody can do that’s guaranteed to make you angry every time?
What’s the one thing somebody can do that’s guaranteed to make you happy?
Most people know the answers to these questions and thousands more. One of the keys to a successful relationship (and, by extension, a successful marriage) is knowing the answers your partner would give. That takes time, effort, communication, attention – in short, work.
One bit of advice for marriage that has stuck with me: If both partners are trying to out-do the other in working on the relationship, it will succeed.
Compromise has already been covered, but there is more than that.
It is all too easy to basically get into a comfortable rut in a marriage - doing the same-old each and every week. Eventually, this may lead to both of you getting bored with each other. Bored people can get snappy; they can get mean.
The real “work” in marriage is to prevent this from happening and developing into a downward spiral of boredom and meanness. This means making a concious effort to do something outside your comfortable rut - something just for the other person, to let them know that you really care for and appreciate them. Doesn’t have to be a big deal, but it does take a concious effort.
Some great answers here - Koxinga, **Dangerosa **and kunilou in particular.
Some of the work comes from the adjustments you have to make as things change in your life and you change along with them. To draw an example from one of my friends, when she married her husband four years ago they were just a couple of crazy kids in love (well, not kids…). Then she got sick and was diagnosed with diabetes and they had to adjust to a new diet and lifestyle for her. Then he got sick and was also diagnosed with diabetes and suddenly he had to change his habits too. Then they were dealing with infertility and how that affected them both. Then they were homeowners and suddenly he was way more concerned about their finances because he was acutely aware of how easily they could struggle to pay the mortgage if their employment changed. Then they found out they were expecting a baby. Then she lost her job. Then her mother was diagnosed with cancer. Then the baby was born. Then his father had a heart attack, and recovered. Then her mother had a brain tumor. Through each of these major life events, they’ve become slightly different people and I’d say neither of them is now the crazy kid in love that they were just four years ago, and so their relationship has had to keep growing and changing to keep up with the changes in their personalities.
Not everyone gets so much stuff condensed into such a short period of time, but in a lifelong marriage that’s the sort of stuff that gets thrown at you and can make you stumble if you don’t work on maintaining the closeness and keeping in pace with each other.
But if you lived alone, you could do those chores on your own schedule, in whatever way you wanted to do them, and to your own standards. If you’re married, you might have to adjust any or all of those parameters out of consideration for your spouse.
Brainiac4 probably could have done without three years worth of one of my sisters having cancer, the other sister being an alcoholic. That was a lot of drama in my life that he was sort of “forced” into sharing. And it meant that he got to pick up more than his share of the normal simple “work” of running a house while I dealt with my sisters. Both are ‘better’ - but when we married I thought I had a pretty easy extended family to offer him - not the dramaville that we are STILL getting.
Seriously. His family used to be totally drama-free and mine was the source of all the drama, but mine has mostly stayed out of our hair and his family has a serious problem going on with his brother and wife and two kids living with the parents - no one is happy with the situation, no one wants to change it either. Fight, fight, fight. Bicker, bicker, bicker.
And it is not just working hard and putting in effort, it is putting in effort that is valuable to your partner and the relationship.
For years I thought I was doing everything I could for my wife… I would take care of the kids, do housework, try to get her whatever she needed, etc, and would get pissed as all hell when she would tell me how unhappy she was. I thought I was doing everything right, what could she be pissed about?
Turns out I was doing everything right in my mind, but those were not the things she needed from me as her husband. Re-calibration, and we are happier and stronger now than we have been in our almost 15 years together.
I agree with those who have said that marriage requires an awful lot of effort. It also requires self-discipline on behalf of both partners. I used to think that as long as we were truthful with each other and loved each other, that would make the marriage. That’s fundamentally untrue. For example, truth is great, but sometimes it’s hurtful. It has taken me forever to learn not only when to shut my mouth, but there’s a world of difference between knowing, “Hey, I probably shouldn’t say this,” and actually having the discipline to not say it.
As far as I’m concerned, “roles” are often established before the marriage begins, especially if you’ve lived with each other. However, it’s the interaction that changes based on familiarity and daily life. Things that were cute before (like my husband running around in his underwear with black socks on or his habit of stealing all the covers) suddenly are ho-hum or even irritating. And you have to get past that to remember why you married that person in the first place and why you want to stay married to them.
Then when you add kids into the mix, it’s even more effort. Not only do you have this other person you’re supposed to be with the rest of your life, you also have other tiny, irrational people you’re required to keep for the rest of your life, no matter how you feel about them. And somehow you’re supposed to love your spouse despite his/her faults (and yours) and environmental stressors like family, jobs and friends who make you irritable, you also have to love and support each other and maintain your relationship despite whatever pressures your kids bring into the mix, which in my experience, have been far more significant than anything else.
So, yeah, maintaining a marriage often feels like a chore. The maintenance is something you have to do, though, so you can enjoy the fun bits.
You, sir, get an extra hole punch in your man card for that.
A relationship (I’ve never been married) takes work not just to avoid the bad stuff, but to keep making it a fantastic ride. Apathy gets very old, very quick.
It’s like the work you put in to make a great meal. It’s not enough just to not poison your guests. You want to make it delicious and healthy, too.