What does it take to live life to its fullest?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I have a friend, Mary, who lives a rollercoaster. She gets herself into all kinds of problems and a crisis ensues. It takes a great deal of emotional energy to be her friend…perhaps too much for me.

We had a talk about that and she told me that this is how she experiences life. She acknowledges that she doesn’t always make very good choices and agrees that she has also lived a rather tumultuous life so far. She says that she’d like it if in the future things could steady out a bit, but did stress, “this is how I experience life. It’s not for everyone, but I think it’s also given me a depth of understanding that others might not have.” She certainly has depth.

I would say that I don’t live life quite as fully as I could. I choose not to participate in things for reasons that are mostly fear-based. “What if I’m not accepted,” “what if I’m no good at it”, “what if it hurts and isn’t a positive experience”…that kind of thing. After talking to Mary, I think that perhaps it would be worthwhile for me to examine not only the life I lead, but also the way that I experience it.

What do you do to live life to its fullest? Do you feel that you are gaining maximum exposure to the “human experience” that you are in? Do you want to?

Please feel free to take this poll-like thread in whatever direction suits you. I’m just exploring thoughts here and have no particular thesis. On the topic of “living life to its fullest,” what do you have to say?

2

Your friend Mary sounds like a “crisis junkie.” My wife, who is a psychotherapist, sees people like this all the time. They seem to derive some sort of rush from the constant turmoil in their lives, only to end up exhausted and wondering “Why is my life always such a mess?”

I like to think I live life to the fullest - here’s my recipe:

  1. I am not defined by my job. I don’t live to work - I work to live. I’m have a professional degree and a very responsible job, but it doesn’t define me. I make a contribution to my profession and my community through my work, and I’m paid for that effort.

  2. I’m very open to new experiences. “Sure, I’ll give that a try” is something I say nearly all the time. As long as I can weigh the pros and cons and make a well-informed choice concerning my actions, I’ll give “it” a whirl.

  3. I live a balanced life. I have a loving family, a good circle of friends, a healthy intellectual life, and pay attention to my spiritual needs. I have a variety of things I’m interested in and several hobbies. I meet different types of people in each activity.

  4. I try to live a healthy lifestyle, but I’m not fanatical about it. I get lots of exercise, eat a varied diet, and am generally in-tuned to my body and what it needs. At the same time, I love to eat a good meal, drink good wine and alcohol, smoke if I feel like it, and get way too much sun.

  5. I have an active social life. I’m an extrovert and enjoy being around people. You can do that sitting behind a computer or staying home all the time. Dancing, dinner, movies, theater, museums, gyms, lectures, travel. I do all those things and have met interesting people in each circumstance.

  6. I recognize that the world is a hard place that doesn’t owe me anythi-ng. To quote my father: “You could die right now and the sun will still come up tomorrow.” Accordingly, I take every opportunity to make things happen for me. I don’t wait around for anything to come my way.

  7. I know when to say “stop.” I call it “cave time.” If I need time to myself, I simply tell my wife, “I’m going into my cave for a bit.” She doesn’t take it personally and I can come back out when I’m ready.

  8. I laugh. The world can be such a funny, absurd place sometimes. You can’t take it too seriously or all you’ll want to do is crawl under the covers. Too much depressing news on the radio? Turn it off. Can’t stand another news story about the war on terrorism? Don’t read the front page or listen to Dan Rather. Instead, watch a Marx Bros. movie or read Dave Berry. Get a group of friends together and play naked croquet. All the world’s problems will be there when you get back.

  9. Try not to have regrets. You did it - own it. Move on. Don’t look back except to say “Boy that was a helluva lot of fun,” or “What can I learn from that mistake?”

  10. “Turn on your lovelight…AND KEEP IT ON!” That’s a line from an old Grateful Dead song. The sentiment is right on the money - everybody has a light that’s all their own. Turn it on and let it shine so that other people can see it.

3

That was my thought as well. I approached her with that assessment and an opinion that it was something that needed changing. What I found out from that conversation is that, while she acknowledges it doesn’t always lead to the best outcomes, she is not completely blind to it. I pictured it as some kind of deep-seated emotional problem and that she was trying to fill a void in some manner. What I discovered was that it was also a choice that she made. “This is the way I experience life.” That was something I hadn’t considered.

It would be difficult to claim that I live life safely. Others probably look at me and have the same thought I did about Mary. With that said, I think that I have a higher tolerance for risk and emotion that I once believed I did. My friendship with her has shown me that.

I don’t believe I live life as fully as I could. I keep my emotions guarded. I sometimes fail to try things that I might otherwise try if it weren’t for associated fears. I limit the number of people I become close with because I’m usually looking for a better match for my personality.

I suppose it comes down to making a conscious decision that I want to be a bit more of a risk-taker. If that means taking more time to get to know someone before I discount the things that I can learn from them, then that’s what I must do. If it means finding things to experience in life, rather than distracting myself from life via television, etc., again, that’s an avenue that I think I need to explore.

4

“She says that she’d like it if in the future things could steady out a bit, but did stress, “this is how I experience life. It’s not for everyone, but I think it’s also given me a depth of understanding that others might not have.” She certainly has depth.”

“What I discovered was that it was also a choice that she made.”

If she has made a decision to approach life that way, then there isn’t any problem to be solved (you mentioned that you thought it was something that needed changing - evidently not, from her perspective). I, personally, don’t see the appeal in wasting energy going from crisis to crisis, but that’s just my way of living.

I don’t really understand her statement that she somehow has more depth simply because she’s always in crisis-mode. She hasn’t experienced love more deeply just because she’s had five intense relationships in the past year, for instance. Quite the contrary. Living from crisis to crisis doesn’t provide a depth of experience, it just provides a depth of experience in dealing with a crisis situation.

As my wife (who is really blunt with her clients) would say, “Enough drama - you’re boring me - get on with life already.”

5

**Another Rambling Arm Chair Quarterback Physchiatric Thingamajig Brought To You By the Letters S and U. **

Plnr Your wife will never be lacking for patients as I know a great many people, mostly women, actually, all of them are. who live from crisis to crisis. Crisis Junkies is a most apt name for them.

It is really pathetic and I have learned to avoid these people like ebola.

It is like they are trying to fill some kind of void in their lives, a great big consuming gap in their soul that is temporarily covered by either feeding off of someone’s trauma or spazzing out over some new ’ trauma’. Emotionally, they are insecure and looking for validation.

*Everyone is looking for validation. *

Yeah, verily, this is hardly a newsflash.

Some find it in religion ( the “Father” figure that never says no or talks mean to them.) Yet the backbone of this is guilt or fear based.

Some find it in food ( There is no therapy like a donut.) .

Shopping ( We were dirt poor growing up and I am not denying myself anything ever again. This is what I refer to as the Scarlett O’Hara Mentality: *" I’ll never go without again so I’ll run myself up a big huge debt. *

Some find it in education of some form or another by becoming a fancy pants know it all.[size] This would be me. [/size] Because of academic failures in the past or the fact they were not the prettiest/coolest/mostest bestest jock in the teen years. And, for some reason, by societies standards, being either well read, well informed or just posessing common sense, is avoided. *“Ahhh, she thinks that the email I got about the FOAF who woke up in the bathtub with his kidney missing is an urban legend. WE MUST AVOID HER SHE TALK CRAZY TALK.” * Just my experience, YMMV. Feh.

A perverse bunch find it in crisis. By helping out others or surrounding themselves with emotionally trainwrecked people and it elevates their self esteem. Take away the crisis, take away their fuel to exist.

Some find it through allowing others to shit on them and take advantage of them. They don’t want to let others down or want to be liked or cannot say no, and keep on getting shit upon. This group and the last usually pal around alot. They usually have lower than Zero self esteem. (this would be my mother and mother in law. YAY for Shirley!)

And some protect themselves in sarcasm and humor. The fear of letting anyone in is greater than letting yourself be exposed. To see the real you, the you that you know is pathetic and a waste of anyone’s attention or too dark and scary for most pollyanna’s to deal with. Me. All counts. Yay! Which is why, again in my humble experience, the funniest people I have ever met are ones who have been through trauma and have endured.

It isn’t a problem for the above mentioned until they realize they cannot live like that anymore or they are afraid of turning into their mother/father/emotional wreck or it is a standard that was set by Mom/Dad/Whomever is insane to keep and because they have no time for themselves.

The hardest part of learning to get into the game of life is saying yes more often. Really. All it will cost you to say yes is a couple of hours of doing something new and maybe a few bucks. If you don’t like it, you will have tried. If you did, welllll, there you have it. It could lead to something new and fun or it could lead to a couple hours of learning that Scrapbooking/hunting/car shows/casinos/whatever is just not for you. There is always the Elks club to fall back on. :slight_smile:

When trying something new, I’ve found, always give yourself an out. For me, it is driving myself to whatever the clambake is and having my cellphone with me. I could pretend that I have a VM message and need tp pick up something from the pharmacy before it closes in a half hour. Since having kids, I can easily use them as my excuse. It is what parents do. " Oh, can’t come over. Jr. has a snotty nose. So sorry." Its the polite way to do the cut-direct in the new milleneum.

This advice comes to you from someone who use to be pretty shy and never had an example of outgoing personalities in her life. Things were depressed around Shirley’s house during those critical learning years. Going to bars, parties and whatnot was a social nightmare for me, not because of the drinking and smoking ok, it was because of that partially, hanging around a bunch of sober a-holes is barely endurable, liquer them up and it is a basic nightmare. Oh, and the music is too loud. I’ve always been 50. , because I was too insecure to enjoy it and usually got terrific headaches before the night really got interesting (the barfing. The popular girls’ crying jags. The jocks indescrimanantly yelling "Whooooo HOOOO " for no reason whatsoever.)

So I sheilded myself in jokes, sarcasm and cutting humor. Still do, but I’m learning how to let people in so that I can rip out their hearts and sacrifice it to Chluthu.
Remember these prosaic words:* We are all fucked in the head in some way.*
Here, have a donut.

6

I too am friends with a “crisis junkie”…I sure do learn a lot from him though. I attribute a lot of it to the way a person in raised…this person grew up in a very hostile enviroment where dramatic family fights were a nightly event…Of the few people i know like this though, i find they do have more depth than most and are more capable of being ‘fun’ individuals. Of course the con here is the occasional “spazzing” over some emotion, but the insight and life experience i get from knowing him far outway it.
As for me…my way is to experience as much as i can, and never lose sight of the things i enjoy and the people i love. To expect to always be happy in unrealistic, as life is full of depressing events and dissapointments…but it’s how you deal with these things that determines if you are living like to its fullest IMO

7

outway=outweigh

8

ThatGuy raises a good point. I don’t want to accuse your friend of anything but I would be curious to know if she grew up in a “broken” household.

Personally, I’m more where Shirley Ujest used to be (or is emerging from). I’m usually too afraid of embarrassment to try things around others. I wish I was more open but I’m not sure what to do about it. :confused:

9

Yellow Tail

I’ve grown way beyond the fear of being embarrassed over things.

After nearly six years of being at home, in the sticks, with kids and until my son started at a preschool with nice moms last year, and my husband worked a bajillion hours a week and I had no support of my family ( illness/too old) I was a shut in. Friends live elsewhere. I was an island.

Before, I was reticent to join or try things because the fear of being the odd one out or sticking out.

Then I realized oh-so-slowly, I’m a bit dense at times. that I am and have always been the odd one out. But in a good way. ( I am the one that is usually sniggering in the back of an all school meeting. I titter at funerals and weddings. Home parties and hospital visits I am in fine, fine form. )

Now, I am so damn happy to be out of the house. I mean, christ, I joined a bowling team and thought, 'Well, can’t get any lower than this." and you know what? *I love it. * Who Knew?! And it took one friend asking me for three years on and off to get me to join. If it weren’t for her, I’d be at home in my little cave, doing the same daily grind. Yeah, there are moments during bowling that I think, “Crap, this conversation tonight just blows…so and so won’t get off this one subject. I could be at home surfing the web.” and then other nights it is a truck full of laughter. It takes wild horses to get me out of the house, but when I do…I’m happy.

Realize that if you do make a mistake, what you view as a horrendous social gaff or physical klutz move, *you are not the first person to do it and you won’t be the last * It is how you handle yourself after the faux paux that distinguishes you from fading into the wallpaper. If you do not learn from your ways and learn from how others handle the social FU’s, then you are not learning and if you are not growing.

We all make verbal gaffs; say something that went too far or, more than likely, we didn’t know about something sensitive and we stepped right into it with our big fat feet. All you really can do is tell the person you gaffed on, " Hey, sorry, I didn’t know." and mean it. If it isomething that pushed you over the edge, you can take a deep breath and say , " You know, this subject is my hot-button lately. I don’t know why. Bear with me while I learn to shut the hell up." Usually, making fun of yourself is a great way to releive any tension.

I am not normally a klutzy person, but one day at my son’s kindergarten, I knocked over an entire tray of kiddie snacks. WHAM! They went flying. It was pure poetic klutziness. It was a cracker with peanut butter on the top kinda snack.
" Naturally, due to Shirley’s Law, it lands Peanut Butter Side Down on the carpet. You must let me come over to you house some time with red wine…"

I’ll shut up now.

10

I think the “guilt” word has a lot to do with it. Once I figured out that I shouldn’t feel guilty about things I did in the past(*), and I shouldn’t feel guilty about wanting to do things that “I” want to do, my life has been much more fulfilling. Parents, family members and close friends can be guilt-trippers for you. Don’t let them do that to you, YOU decide what is right and what is wrong for YOU.

(*) Even if I did things that weren’t exactly “right”, that can’t be changed now, that’s the past. Don’t live in the past, don’t project your past onto your present, concentrate on what you enjoy, then project those things onto your future.

11

She doesn’t come from a broken home, but apparently there was plenty of drama when she was in her teens. She hated her parents (what kid doesn’t) but apparently made no bones about it. It is only in the past 4 or 5 years that she has grown to recognize them for the wonderful people they are. Now she’s very, very close to them. But I suppose the drama and victimhood of her youth has probably carried some into the rest of her life.

12

What I need to have lead a fullfilled life:

Kids whom I love and love me back. ( check )
Good friends to laugh and cry with. ( check )
Memories of good times. ( check )

Over all, I think my life is moving along quiet well.

13

A psychologist, Martin Seligman, does a lot of research in this area. He has a website, www.authentichappiness.org, with some information on his theories. It also has lots of surveys you can take to assess your happiness in various fashions.

FWIW, I’ve been pretty impressed with the insights I’ve gotten from his site, newsletters and book.

I have known crisis junkies. I avoid them like the plague now. Honestly I think I avoid a few too many people, out of fear they may be crisis junkies.