My husband and I are leaving soon with our 19-month-old son to visit his family in India. I’ve quizzed my husband about what I should be aware of before we leave and he let me know that:
a) You never come to a house empty handed. Got that covered - I bought a butt-load of stuff to take with us as gifts.
b) Our son will be spoiled rotten by the time we get back. My husband indicated that some women hand-feed their children and ignore certain smaller infractions (like throwing toys at people) and that disciplining him if he’s not putting himself in a situation where he can get hurt may cause raised eyebrows.
c) My husband also let me know that in many social gatherings, the women and men separate for most of the time with the women, depending upon the location, eating after the men are done.
d) Few people have a high regarding for Americans’ intelligence, so I’ll be the stupid American. I was more or less aware of that having dealt with it already - I didn’t bother getting offended since it was hardly maliciously intended.
e) My husband will be asked to speak for me on certain occasions instead of someone asking me directly.
Is there anything else I need to worry about? Any of the above not true or embellished?
Anything else I should be prepared for? Your comments are greatly appreciated. I can’t wait for this trip, by the way - we’re taking off next Saturday and will be gone for about a month. My work is starting to panic - it’s like they didn’t really believe I would leave until last week when all hell broke loose.
If you are going to a rural , semi urban area, the above may be true…
Not in a cosmopolitan city like Mumbai or Delhi… the culture is different there.
Also , "stupid american " is not entirely correct ! Among the urban educated class U.S is regarded highly positively.
I take it that your husband was born and bred in India, since he has briefed you on the culture shock to expect.
I traveled to India twice on business (once for 5 weeks) so my perspective might be slightly different - since yours is a social, family visit.
Your husband might have already mentioned it, but unmarried men and women do not touch each other (not sure what the rules are for married people in public), so probably no big hugs for Uncle Sandeep. Don’t smile too much at men (seriously, it’s a come on. This is very hard for smiley American women). Don’t show a lot of skin - long pants are a great idea. I would definitely recommend salwar kameez - they are so comfy and beautiful.
People ask questions that Americans might consider fairly nosey. Since you are married to an Indian, you are probably already aware of the side to side head movement that means “yes” but looks like “no” to Americans. To save face, people rarely ever directly say “no” to a request (although they have no intention of doing it - this was very frustrating on a business level).
The poverty was shocking to me, ditto the suicide-style driving. If you haven’t seen the traffic, it is impossible to explain how freakishly scary and chaotic it is. Seeing men pee on the side of buildings on busy public streets and squat to poop in fields (sometimes in groups) took a bit getting used to. Skinny, mangy cows blocking roads, and endless, stinking piles of trash. Men getting shaves at roadside “shaving” stalls (with chairs and mirrors nailed to trees). Take cash with you into public bathrooms, you may be required to tip. Take your own toilet paper. Expect frequent power outages. Don’t be surprised to see men holding hands on the street. Expect to be stared at. Expect to be an object of begging. Every Indian restaurant in the US has naan, but it seems to be regional in India.
On a positive, it’s colorful, the food is beyond fabulous, the people were extremely friendly. I learned how to bargain (more or less), I saw the Taj Mahal. I definitely enjoyed visiting India, it’s an eye-opening experience. I had no troubles getting around with English. Luckily, you are going in winter. My trip to Delhi in February was much much more pleasant than my trip to Delhi in August.
And black coffee tends to help keep the Delhi Belly at bay. In fact, I’ve been told Westerners (or any foreigners, really) should eat a spoonful of dry instant coffee powder once a day. In Vietnam, I just had a short black coffee which was so small and concentrated it was almost pure coffee anyway, and I didn’t get sick (unlike on other trips to Asia).
Also, if your husband is native to the country, but has been in the West for a long time, then tell him he is a WESTERNER as far as his stomach is concerned. My Vietnamese doctor spent a good ten minutes quite forcefully trying to tell my Vietnamese wife that, “I’m ok, I was born there” was NOT a good attitude with regards to stomach bugs.
Again, wear clothes that cover your arms and legs (exposing your belly is okay, though, regardless of its tautness or lack thereof). Also avoid things like tight jeans.
Sneakers are considered to be for children and invalids. I’d recommend getting a few pairs of open-toed slippers along with those salwar-chemises.
Don’t offer to shake hands.
Offer deference to “elders.” Don’t stare at them directly in the eyes. (Direct eye contact is considered a challenge to authority.)
It will be appreciated if you indulge/talk with children.
I don’t know about western India where you will be, but in Bengal, your husband’s younger brothers (and younger male cousins) would be considered fair game for an affectionate “joshing” or teasing relationship that would be considered inappropriate with other relatives. So, such younger brothers might joke or speak with you in a very different way than others.
Sarcasm, especially British or American style, is easily misunderstood, particularly by older people.
Be prepared for diatribes about American government policy and wild accusations about the C.I.A.
When visiting a household for the first time, you should eat at least a little of what is offered. (Although, in many places, you will be expected to refuse twice and accept only the third time.)
Indian hospitality can be overwhelming.
Mention in passing that you like Coca-cola, and someone will be sent out ASAP to get you some, and you’ll probably be given a bottle of coke with every meal for the rest of your stay. If you say you like a particular food, you’ll get it three times a day until you leave… you get the idea.
Questions can be perceived as rude if there is an implication that there is a better way of doing things. Try to re-phrase questions so they don’t start with “why”.
If you are out on the street in a city and not obviously with a male you might get groped. This is euphemistically called “eve-teasing”, it is not pleasant but shouting loudly and making a fuss stopped it happening to me too often (I was in Mumbai alone).
I don’t know if this was just a weird quirk of the people I was staying with, or a general Indian thing, but they put salt on fruit. I found myself eating salted apples, guavas and bananas until I told my hosts I preferred my fruit unsalted.
This isn’t common in every city. It’s particularly bad in Delhi. I’m told that Delhi is just not a safe place for a woman to be going out by herself.
Yes, and the word will be passed on to every relative and friend that you like Coca-Cola, so where ever you go, there will be a bottle waiting for you.
You obviously know your own children best, but it’s very common for children to absolutely hate everything about India. I know I was quite a trial for my relatives on our trips. My mom distracted me by bringing lots of books and packs of baseball cards – we got to open a new pack periodically.
As with most food issues, this is a regional thing.
Fortunately my son is pretty young still (19 months), and goes with the flow as long as there aren’t too many people crowded around him. Even then, he’ll usually use me as his touch-stone, venturing out to look at people, then coming back and climbing into my lap for a minute, then getting bored and leaving again. He usually likes anyone who pays attention to him, so he should be ok, though I do expect him to be a little unsettled with so many new people around him, especially right after getting off the plane. I’m already steeling myself for a melt-down when we get there.
That’s a good idea to bring some little things for him to fiddle with and some books. We also have a small set of blocks we’ll bring and a portable DVD player that my mom got him for Christmas for the flight over. I hear that having one can be a lifesaver. He rarely watches TV (though he asks often), so it’ll be kind of a treat for him.
I’ve also decided to use a sling instead of a stroller for walking around with him. That way he’ll be close to my body without me bearing the brunt of his weight in my arms for long periods. My husband will carry him, too, but he’ll get heavy for either one of us (he’s about 26-27 pounds). At least the sling re-distributes that to my back and hips, which are a lot stronger than my biceps are. As an added bonus, it folds up to a small rectangle of cloth about the size of a hand towel so it’s a LOT less to carry. I’m trying to minimize the amount of stuff I bring - whenever possible, I prefer to travel lightly, though with a kid, that can be kind of hard. Though I wonder how much of that is a Western idea of what we “need” for a kid and how much is actually necessary. I’m trying to evaluate carefully what we take - and if I forget something, it’s not like they don’t have kids in India!
This sounds like a good idea to me. I’d hate to have to push a stroller through Indian city streets. And no telling what the wheels would roll through!
Nothing philosophical here (you’re married to a desi so you could just ask him instead of getting condescending advice that may not apply to your in-laws) just some really practical stuff from someone used to American niceties…stick to the soda (Mangola, Limca, Thums Up) when out and about as much as possible. You’ll be sweating and walking so much the calories don’t really add up (promise…I exist on soda when I’m out there because I am the lily livered american cousin of course).
Even the bottled water sends me straight over into gastrointestinal distress land. Check the seals on whatever you buy really carefully.
If they’re boiling water for you, “refrigerate post boiling” is surprisingly NOT an automatic thought. I mean, gods forbid you should be given anything but tepid water in a steaming hot country. Request refrigeration of boiled water as a rule of thumb.
Dunno if your relatives have western style toilets…half of mine do/half of mine don’t…but I travel with my own toilet paper. Lots of it (but the prevalence of toilet paper may have changed in the ten years I’ve been avoiding the place).
My tampons got fugged up the minute I landed in Bombay-they expanded in size from the moisture even though they were sealed in the plastic wrappers. How is that possible? This was during monsoon season incidentally. When I got my period I tried to use them and I started fainting and feeling weird…and I was in BFE and immediately started hallucinating TSS of course. I ended up condemned to pads for that trip but for future trips I am investing in a diva cup (I’ve switched to instead in the last ten years but disposal would be painful since everyone wants to know what everything is it seems…especially the servants).
Ummm, what else? Oh yeah, you will be endlessly criticised in this Joycean stream of consciousness fashion and any attempt to indicate how rude it is will be blown off as it being part of the culture/because you’re family. I try to stay out of the kitchen…too much temptation to reach for a knife.
Have fun! If you can get away from family, try to take a Greater India Heritage Tour. That’s not a specific touring company or anything…it’s just what I snarkily call my parents’ attempts to get us in touch with our Greater Indian Heritage. We generally take them to escape from…FAMILY.
Your siblings are driving me up the wall…
Alright, let’s take the kids to Bubaneshwar and pawn it off on their Americanness…
Remember…desifying your son up is always a good excuse to take a breather. My parents have been using this excuse for years.
