Okay, I’ll bite. Here’s my version:
After flunking out of multiple schools, Patty ran away from home and lived briefly on the streets before being taken in by a homeless shelter. Her physical skills aided her as a pickpocket and shoplifter until a brush with juvie set her straight, and at 30 she graduated from a community college with a degree in physical education. She became a high school track coach and until her retirement never said a word about her sexual orientation, despite discreet questions from both students and administration.
Once Linus hit puberty, he and Sally had a brief and disastrous relationship in high school. Linus went on to have several short relationships with various women during college, then realized that he had replaced his security blanket with casual sex and the feeling of being loved, however briefly. Resisting his physical nature, he put aside all his bodily urges and emerged an asexual philosopher, writing several pieces about the nature of the soul and displacement of need. His work was never distributed widely, though he had several devoted adherants.
Sally’s heart was crushed after her breakup with Linus. Realizing that the attainment of her childhood goal left her with nothing to strive for, and she quickly sank into depression, flunking out of school. Schroeder, taking pity on her, took her under his wing and tought her to play the piano. After a brief stint as a vocalist to Schroeder’s music, she went on her own and found solace playing jazz bars and folk music clubs. She married a barista named Tom and had two children.
Schroeder was a nautral talented pianist, but never acheved true greatness. His parents tried to enroll him in several gifted musical classes, but his arrogance led to a hatred of criticism, and he resisted every attempt at furthering his musical education. Living in a one-room flat, his frustration with his own work kept him from recording his work. His original compositions were either highly derivative of Beethoven or all sounded the same. During the short cooperative time with Sally (in which he tried to have a physical relationship with Sally - his first with any woman, in fact - but was quickly shot down), they released a single CD: “S&S; Tunes to Sigh By.” Sally’s departure left him feeling hollow, and he discovered that his pain gave him an artistic strength he never had before. Publishing several angry piano concertos, he became widely accepted into alternative classical media, and became moderately wealthy. He continued to have several short and painful breakups, which he claimed were all with an ulterior motive of “keeping the creative juices flowing.”
Lucy remained loud and boisterous, but passed through public school without incident, though she did lead the mock trial team to victory her junior year. She discovered a talent and a passion for verbally bullying others with logic, and after a short period on an AM radio station as a political talk show host, she gathered a small cult following and set up a website devoted to her work. As well as providing free internet radio shows, she wrote several columns in papers throughout the country and made a modest living offering advice and wisdom with the occasional insult.
After Marcie graduated from college with a degree in history, she returned to her hometown to discover that Charlie Brown remained in the same house he had lived in since childhood, taking the deeds when his parents died and working with his hands as a car mechanic. Summoning her courage, Marcie finally asked Charlie out, and hey had a long relationship before getting married and moving into Charlie Brown’s home. Charlie could never put it into words, but he always felt that he was settling for something that never came along instead of pursuing his own goals. Occasionally, during his bolder moments, he would ask Marcie to wear a red wig during sex.
Snoopy lived quite a while for a dog, but like any creature, he eventually fell to the frailties of the flesh. He descended into constant delusions involving the Red Baron, Carl Marden, and the Foreign Legion, and Charlie Brown had to have him put to sleep in the backyard. Exploring the surprisingly large area in and under Snoopy’s doghouse, Charlie and his son Roland found three bird’s nests, fifty stocking caps and scarfs, various pieces of sports equipment, eight dinner dishes, an old typewriter, and one hundred and seventy-eight unfinished manuscripts, some of astonishingly high quality. Marcie collected these works and sent them to a publisher under the working title It Was a Bright and Clear Day. IWABACD won several awards for short stories and prose, and Charlie Brown hung the awards above the fireplace and passed them down to his own son.
