If you don’t make a pain in the ass of yourself, then I don’t care what you eat.
However, if you veto 90% of the restaurants people want to go to because there’s nothing there you like, or if you make comments about other people’s food, or if you can’t stand to be in the same room as fish/cauliflower/whatever because the smell makes you gag, then yes, I am going to avoid inviting you to social engagements that involve food. (I’m using “you” in the general sense here - I don’t mean WOOKINPANUB in particular).
Okay see, this is confusing to me. Are you guys having food critique style discussions during meals? When I was growing up, someone might say, oh this is good, or I really don’t care for this. That was the extent of the discussion concerning the meal itself. I could see feeling disapointed if you put a lot of work into something, and it wasn’t well received. Is this what you mean?
For those of you who are picky eaters, or who know someone who is, can you explain (or guess) why you/they are?
Are you “picky” in other areas of life besides eating?
Do you value familiarity and comfort over variety and adventure?
Do you have a higher-than-normal sensitivity to tastes or smells or textures?
Can you trace your eating habits back to some psychological association or conditioning, with regard to certain foods or to eating in general?
Do you have allergies that force you to be wary about what you eat?
Do you have some “control issue” in insisting on a certain narrow selection of foods?
Athena, I wouldn’t have eaten any of that either, except for the bagels and they would have been sans cream cheese, lox or anything else. So what? How does that affect anyone else? Unless of course I’d complained about it, which would make me a world class dipshit. No, I’d quietly munch on my bagel and count the number of people who just had to comment on the fact that I was eating it “plain! with NOTHING on it!!???”
Not sure what constitutes a “real adult restaurant”. I find it hard to believe that your MIL can’t find something to eat at a basic coffee shop or Bennigans type restaurant. I mean yeah, she’s even pickier than I am, but unless it’s a restuarant that only serves one kind of food, say like an ethnic restaurant or sushi bar or something, every place has burgers or chicken fingers or whatever on the menu. In fact, she could order off the children’s menu(ya know, since she “eats like a child”).
I don’t mean to imply that it can’t be frustrating to deal with someone with limited food preferences. Your MIL sounds extreme. This is where the responsiblity lies with the picky person to adapt somewhat. Four out five in your group want to go to a fish fry and number five loathes seafood? Well, tough noogies for number five. They can either decline to attend, or eat before hand and have a dinner of beer and oyster crackers. Are you saying you wouldn’t give them the choice to share your company if they were alright with not participating in the eating part?
For the record, I don’t consider vegetarians to be picky eaters. I understand not eating certain foods for religous, ethical, or health reasons, or not drinking alcohol for whatever reason.
When I think of picky eaters it is someone who won’t try new things; is overly concerned with individual ingredients (not allergy related); and in general, makes choosing a place to eat difficult.
I don’t care if someone only orders a salad and water when we go out, but if picking a restaraunt for the group always has to take into the special needs of one person then that person is a drag to the social interaction.
My wife and I like to cook. I’d go so far as to say that I’m a good cook, she’s a great cook, and together, we’re totally kick-ass in the kitchen. We entertain on occasion. Many of our friends behave in a similar manner. If there was someone in our social group that just didn’t ‘do’ food it would have an effect on the events we could participate in- either by restricting our dining out choices or the menus that we prepare ourselves. How many social events do you take part in where food is not present at all?
I guess I just don’t see how it directly affects you if someone passes on the food. Now if they’re going on and on about how they’re starving or making rude remarks about what the rest of you eat, then that’s a different story. They can still take part in the conversation (unless it’s all about the food) and a good time can be had by all. When my friends and I get together, there is food, but the food isn’t the main event (for me anyway). I don’t feel bad if I just eat some bread and butter because there’s nothing else that I want, or because all the other things* have incorporated ingredients that I’m allergic to. Or, I just bring something to share that 1. I like, and 2. is safe for me to eat.
Good questions, Thudlow Boink
For those of you who are picky eaters, or who know someone who is, can you explain (or guess) why you/they are?
Are you “picky” in other areas of life besides eating? - Not particularly. I think I might be a little more discerning when it comes to movies and books, but otherwise, not so much.
**Do you value familiarity and comfort over variety and adventure?- ** - Only when it comes to food.
**Do you have a higher-than-normal sensitivity to tastes or smells or textures? ** - Absolutely. I believe I would literally (yes, I do mean literally)starve to death before I would eat something that repulsed me. I haven’t been to the point of starvation yet, so you never know, but I have gone long stretches of time without eating when there was nothing available that I could eat. In my particular case my food aversions border on phobia.
Can you trace your eating habits back to some psychological association or conditioning, with regard to certain foods or to eating in general? - No.
**
Do you have allergies that force you to be wary about what you eat?** - Not at all.
Do you have some “control issue” in insisting on a certain narrow selection of foods? - Absolutely not. You eat what you want and I’ll eat what I want.
It’s just baffeling to me, and deep down it does offend my sensibilities. Food is one of the primary pleasures of my life. It’s central to my schedule, my social life, my conversations, etc. Food, sex, wine and summer days make my world go around.
To say “Oh, I don’t take much pleasure in food” is to me like saying “Oh, sex? Take it or leave it. Honestly I’d prefer it if we could continue the species with turkey basters.” or “I’m not really in to that whole love thing. I kind of wish we could just enter in contractual agreements with people we can get along with well enough and leave families at that.”
I’m a picky eater, though over the last few years I’ve gotten better. I could, and did, survive on pasta, cereal and bread. I do now eat a lot more fruit and some veggies. I don’t tend to try new things though.
Are you “picky” in other areas of life besides eating?
Like what? My friends and the people I would date yes.
Do you value familiarity and comfort over variety and adventure?
I like both, I’ve been halfway around the world, I travel all over the US, and do it on a motorcycle. I don’t mind staying at home either.
Do you have a higher-than-normal sensitivity to tastes or smells or textures?
Not that I know of.
Can you trace your eating habits back to some psychological association or conditioning, with regard to certain foods or to eating in general?
Not really. Though I’ve often wondered why people “drown” their food in extra stuff like ketchup and dressing. I think that came from one of those old 70s cartoon things that said don’t drown your food. I love plain food, I eat my pasta with a bit of salt and that’s about it.
Do you have allergies that force you to be wary about what you eat?
Not really, but I can not eat onions and garlic. Onions can do a number on me, from an upset stomache to the shits. I aviod them at all costs because it seems to be getting to the latter as I get older. Garlic has made me sick a couple of times so I try to avoid it as well.
Do you have some “control issue” in insisting on a certain narrow selection of foods?
No do you? Personally I get tired of people telling me I have to try more. I don’t try and tell people not to go to one place over another, I can usually find something to eat. But people always say, well we can’t go there because of Eddie, which is bullshit. If I can’t find something then I’ll not eat, but don’t give me a hard time about it. I can also go some place else by myself if need be to get something to eat, I don’t need someone else around to eat, nor does it bother me that people want to eat different places, it does bother some other people for some reason though.
Why? I’ve never understood why people have to make a fuss saying “that person can’t eat that” or whatever. We can fend for ourselves. How about if I ask you to go for a motorcycle ride across country? Do you want to go? Why not, sounds like a great idea to me.
Obviously this whole issue comes down to personal preference and neither stance is right or wrong, but to say someone’s lack of interest in food offends your sensibilities? No offense to you or your sensibilities, but that sort of indicates a one track mind, no?
And I personally would never equate food with sex, but I wouldn’t consider it any of my damn business if I knew someone could “take it or leave it”(unless of course they were my S O). I love sex but it isn’t central to my schedule, social life or conversations.
It wasn’t a big deal, other than having several people tiptoe up to me and ask “why isn’t <m-i-l> eating?” then I have to explain that she doesn’t like anything. Then people feel bad for not making food she likes. Then I have to explain that it will be next to impossible to make food she likes, and that it’s best not to try, and she’s OK with not eating. None of this is difficult, but it gets old after a while.
It also borders on rude, IMO. I was raised that when people invited you over for a meal, you ate what was offered and thanked them for it even if it wasn’t to your particular taste.
Put it this way: when I’m invited to M-i-L’s house for a meal that I generally don’t enjoy (very bland, fatty, heavy meat-n-potatoes type food, along with an overly sweet dessert made from a mix), if I said “no thanks, I don’t like any of this food”, that wouldn’t go over well at all. I choke it down, smile, thank her for it, and enjoy the company.
Face it: it’s awkward to have someone over for a meal and have them refuse to eat, no matter how nice they are about it. It’s awkward even when there’s a health-based reason like an allergy - you make other people feel bad when you can’t/won’t eat the food they prepared for you.
We live in a small midwest town, not known for its adventurous restaurants. Still, we’ve only found 3 she’ll eat at - one place that has hamburgers that she likes, Red Lobster, and a place that makes chicken soup she likes. The one place that does crepes, nice desserts, and things like tuna sandwiches (but no burgers)? She won’t go. The muffin shop? Nope, she doesn’t like muffins. Or cinnamon rolls. Or any number of other things they serve that are seemingly sweet and unoffensive to anyone. Subway, or the local sub shop? Nope, nothing there she likes. Pizza, other than one type of pizza from Pizza Hut? She’d prefer not to try it.
Sometimes - like at the brunch - she does. Other times, if you say “We’re going to Restaurant X for Person B’s birthday” she’ll just refuse to go.
I understand not liking restaurants. Heck, I don’t like most of 'em in town (there’s a LOT of bad restaurants here). But generally I’ll go and choke down something and enjoy the social occasion.
Of course I would. And a lot of the time, we go places where the picky eater wants to go. All I’m saying is that when pickiness extends to the point that most restaurants aren’t OK and when going to someone’s house to eat you refuse all the food because it’s not to your tastes, at best you’re a pain and at worst you’re rude.
And therein lies the issue between those who love food and those who see it only as sustenance.
To those of us who love food, not enjoying food is akin to not seeing color, not being able to hear music, or (as even sven said) not craving sex and love. It’s such a large, wonderful part of our lives that we can’t help but feeling some pity for those who don’t see it that way.
I’m not saying that it’s OK to be rude, but to me, someone who doesn’t like food is a bit like someone confined to a wheelchair; if you have ideas that would allow them to walk again, you want to share those ideas. The concept that the person is just fine in the wheelchair and feels no great desire to walk is a hard one to get your head around.
See my previous point on food sharing- refusing hospitality offered is as grave an offense as refusing to offer it. I would personally take offense, if, all things being equal, someone refused a meal I had prepared/ordered prepared for reasons outside those of faith or health. I’d certainly not mock them or make some sort of scene over it, but it would get filed away for the next time I planned some sort of function. Bear in mind that we don’t experiment when we entertain.
Also, this applies to Picky Eaters ™…if I don’t notice you abstaining from a particular dish, you don’t fall into this category.
No, I think you are quite missing the point of that post. I’m going to try and put it my own words.
Eating is a social compact and a form of social control in all socially living mammals that I know of. Eating together, sharing food, and control of food is a social activity and a status-affirming activity – much like other things social mammals generally take pleasure in, such as sleeping, grooming, and sex. Therefor, when people speak of eating as a social activity, they are not speaking of the events that surround it, such as conversation, but the act of eating together with others. In many cultures, it is devastatingly rude or insulting to refuse food in front of others. Modern American culture is actually quite lenient in this regard.
If I make make a WAG (but one informed by my degree in Anthropology and my current professional work with horses) other people take your rejection of the shared eating experience as a form of social control over them or a statement that you are outside of social norms. This is why many times, as posted previously, the outrage over Picky Eating is disproportionate to the “offense” therein. By rejecting the shared food experience you are also rejecting full inclusion in the social sphere, and potentially setting your status as higher than the rest of the group (or at the very least, stating with actions that your status is outside of the group).
I realize this is not your intention – you just like what you like and there really isn’t anything wrong with that on a logical level. But rejecting food is an action that gets right down to our monkey brain as a “wrong” or “abnormal” way to act.
I wont go so far as to say that we are “hard-wired” to care deeply about eating alongside others, but it is the case that for much of human history bare subsistence was the norm and the act of sharing food was an extremely important social activity with long-term consquences for social stability and reproductive sucess.
I can see what a drag it can be for you, Athena. The poor dear has some serious issues. This is where you have to try not to let it become your problem, because it really isn’t. Just stop inviting her to events where you know she’s gonna have a problem with the menu, or if that’s too harsh, let her know ahead of time that you’d love her company, but the menu is what it is and she’ll have to deal.
I personally don’t tend to accept dinner invitations to people’s homes if the meal is the main event. To be invited for a meal (as opposed to a barbecue / pool party type thing where there’s other things going on)and then not eat is rude. In the case of your Easter brunch where it sounds like it was kind of a pot luck (?) I really don’t see why anyone felt the need to tiptoe up to you and ask why she’s not eating.
I went out to dinner once with a woman (the best friend of a friend) who made Sally from Harry and Sally look normal when ordering.
She asked how long the cook had been a cook.
She asked when the beef came into the restaurant.
She asked when was the bread made.
She made insane requests that my brain has purged since that awful night.
It took at good 10 minutes to complete her order alone.
I, long before learning just how entertaining these yahoo’s are and to just sit back and savor their assholerly, had a slight domestic with her.
" God, you are a nightmare." I seethed in exasperation while shooting the waitress and the table of really cute guys who were at one point eyeballing her extreme hotness (model pretty in every way) until the ordering ordeal began an apologetic look. Nobody else at our table seem to notice her behavior was odd. It is perfectly acceptable behavior to treat the waitstaff like a serf with a condescending tone. None of us were over 30.
" What do you mean by that?" She had no clue that she was a nightmare. " I just like things done my way."
“This isn’t fucking Burger King, your highness. If you want it done your way, cook it yourself!” I looked over at the waitress and said pleasantly, " I’ll just have a cheeseburger any way the cook wants to prepare it. He can spit on it for all I care if he has any phlgem left after what he horks up onto your meal, Princess. I don’t care. I’m just happy I can afford to eat out. Oh, and she isn’t my friend. She’s her’s" and I won’t mention that I somehow worked into my tirade that sex with her would be beyond a nightmare. because it was a cheap shot that I should be embarrassed of but ain’t.
The guys at the table across from me bought my meal and drinks.
I haven’t eaten with her since.
I wonder why.
I also have a good friend that cooks plain. Eats plain. because that is how her mom always cooked. She won’t eat any chinese or mexican ( two of my favorites) because you don’t know what they put in them which makes me always laugh and say, " That is the best cat I’ve ever had." [size=1] Her husband , one of our best friends, teases her too. and nothing will get her to try anything. Because YOU JUST DON’T KNOW WHAT’S IN THERE. Food Paranoia has to be an actual condition.
She ate pb&j every day from K-12 grade ( and her twin sister did too.) Variety isn’t a big thing with them, you see. And one of her daughters hates PB&j and my friend is up in arms about it because *she ate it every day for 13 years *. OMFG Scramble the fighter jets because you might have to make two different kinds of sammich’s for the kids! AIGHHHH!
I picked up a sub for her once and ( ham and cheese) and she picked off all the lettuce, peppers, and everything.
It is really a sad, sad life, IMHO.
Food allergies withstanding ( red wine, MSG and a host of others) I will try everything.
If they felt comfortable just hanging out while I enjoyed all the sex, absolutely. I’d be surprised if they accepted the invitation, though
Seriously though, following this analogy, when you “foodies” go out for a meal the whole focus is the food? As others have mentioned, the pleasure of dining with other people is, for me, the people
