My best friend (Shannon) and I always laugh about stupid things. Once in high school, us and another friend took Shannon’s mom’s car to go get some food. It was rush hour, and the people on the road were being assholes. Other friend (Kyle) and I were giving Shannon crap about how long it was taking to get there. And since it was her mom’s car, we were joking around and calling her Mom. After someone cut her off, she screamed in this weird voice, “Ahhhh!! I’m trying to take my kids to SOCCER PRACTICE!!!” and all this other stupid crap. I was in the back seat doubled over and crying.
Another time, Shannon and I were spending a lazy night hanging out at her house on the computer. We found some message board were there was a Photoshop contest going on. You take a certain pic and photoshop it however you want to mak it funny. The picture was of a sort of overweight woman riding on the back of a motorcycle. She had a mini skirt on and it hiked up over her butt. This is the picture, but the contest was going on somewhere else. These people made the funniest pictures using this woman. I wish I could remember better some of the pictures, but they were ridiculously funny! We cracked up going through the thread for a couple of hours (very long thread).
You kind of had to be there for those, but I assure you they were hilarious.
Also, same best friend and I rented some Family Guy episodes one night. We cracked up forever at the one where Peter, Brian, Stewie and Chris had the ipecac contest. And also the one where at the toy factory, they started promoting cigarettes and made a doll that smoked and said “Tastes like happy!” and the advertisement with the subliminal “SMOKE!” and “ARE YOU SMOKING YET?” in them.
Basically whenever we are together stuff like this happens. We are dorks.
Since it’s actually still on-going, I’ll have to go with a friend’s business venture. You see, he’s selling orgasms in a box. They’re little round, red plush things that look kind of like red tribbles, in a red and black box labelled “Orgasm”.
When I first heard about this project about a month ago, I was one of about 3 or 4 people who spent most of an evening doubled over with laughter as he told us all about the delivery of 1200 orgasms, and getting these lovely gold embossed stickers that say “orgasm” printed up at a place called Sticky Business. Rather naively, I figured that that would be the end of it, because after all, we’re all adults and giggling like 12-year-olds every time we hear the word orgasm will get tired after a while. Of course, I was wrong, mostly because he gave one to our swing dance instructors as a gift.
The following Monday, toward the end of our dance class, the instructor brought up the subject of the orgasm in a box. I actually started laughing as soon as it was mentioned, as did the couple of other people who already knew about this, but of course the instructor had to explain for the benefit of the rest of the class. As luck would have it, the guy I was paired up with in the rotation at the time was one of the other people who already knew about the orgasms, so to accompany the explanation he found a squeaky floor board and started bouncing. Luckily it was towards the end of the class, because at that point it was game over for me and the guy who was doing the bouncing. I’m pretty sure we both wound up on the floor laughing.
At any rate, the story of the orgasms spread quickly through the local swing dance community, and any time I’ve seen these people in the past month, the conversation has somehow managed to drift back to that topic. I guess it’s good that it’s managed to provide seemingly endless entertainment, and my friend has gotten some sales out of it, so everyone’s happy.
Myself and 4 of my friends have a habit of meeting at Applebees to discuss things. We’re all very dorky, so the conversation often strays into odd areas. We started with the idea of casting the next Indy movie, and then to a movie about Lincoln. Mark brings up Booth’s famous cry of “Sic semper tyrannis” (Thus always to tyrants), and imagining Keanu Reeves reading the script and asking “What’s this about dinosaurs?”
That’s when the story of Dr. Raptor, MD, was born. Imagine ER but staffed by dino-doctors. A t-rex with Clooney’s bowl-cut. And a viscious Jurassic Park raptor in a lab coat. That’s comedy.
“Doctor Raptor! You’ve had a lot of unneeded surgery today!”
“Hisssssss!”
“That last caesarean…that was a man.”
Growl as he leaps on the intern and we just see blood everywhere and screams offscreen.
The credits would show Dr. Raptor being wrangled up to the group. The next photos would be him noticing the camera, charging, and and blurred photos of mayhem, while the rest of the cast laughs jovially.
The hardest I’ve laughed recently was during an episode of The Daily Show. I’ve only seen the show about 3 times, mainly because I can’t stay awake for it, but this one night I had insomnia and was flipping channels and found it. I think it was the night after the most recent State of the Union Address.
At one point in the address, Bush made some comment like “my two best friends”, referring to George Sr. and Bill Clinton. I guess at that point in the address the camera cut to Hillary, showing her scowling with disapproval. Jon Stewart appeared on screen, with the still shot of Hillary up in the corner, and he said “look at that face. Where boners go to die.”
I giggled, then couldn’t stop, then pretty soon I was wiping away tears and having trouble breathing. “Boners! Where boners go to die!!!”
There I was, alone at 11:30 at night, whole family asleep, and I’m doubled over with laughter, giggling and crying at the same time.
The most bang for the buck has been the Mother’s Day Present idea.
Picture it: Cervaise and I are upstairs, sitting on the floor of his bedroom at 1:30 in the morning, trying to talk very very very quietly about what we should get Mom (who is asleep three rooms away) for Mother’s Day.
“I know,” Cervaise whispers. “We can go out right now and get tattoos that say ‘Mom’ on them. And then we can show up and knock on her door at three in the morning to show her.”
He then does a drunken imitation of what the presentation would sound like: “Hi, Mom. Look! We got you these great bleaararagghhahfphhfffggghh” and degenerates into awful bubbly barfy noises as, in his imaginary presentation, we vomit up all over Mom’s carpet.
Hee hee. Barraffggghh. Hic — urp — ecch — raughhuuhhawwgghhffff.
“Boys! Be quiet! It’s one in the morning!”
Shh, shh. Mom heard us. Urp… blearaaghhhhh.
“I mean it!”
Shhhh! Don’t be so loud, you’ll wake up *hhgaaauughhfff auch hock spit, eww bblbbaaaauuuuughhphghghprfff.
The thing that causes me, today, to laugh the hardest when I think of it, was also my most embarrassing moment* ever*. I posted it here, once or twice, so I’ll just quote it:
Actually, I can laugh now, a lot. That was hilarious.
Actually, I think that might have been the most embarrassing moment ever!
The South Park episode Fun with Weapons is about as funny as anything I’ve seen in my life. I’ve seen stuff as funny, but nothing that actually topped it.
Just last week, one of my HS students with a reputation for furthering blondes’ reputations, heard a kid mentioning how hard her Spanish class was. Blonde: “It’s like this whole other language!” I had to duck down behind my lab table.
One that’s probably only funny to us: Chouinard Fan and another brother and I were talking late one night (when things are funnier) about computers and getting on the net. I was saying that a modem takes digital information and translates it into analog sound (essentially), which is why it makes those noises. So it’s “talking”, but you don’t know what it’s really saying. Which led to, “Well, pardon my French, but xxxxxxxxcccccchhhhhhhhhhh bidoooooww boing, boing, boing!”
In the past year…? Probably the intro to Richard Russo’s Straight Man (the rest of the book wasn’t that great, but the prologue was very funny). And Sampiro’s Woman behold thy daughter,…. It took me about three evenings to read it. I cried.
This is tough. I know I’ve laughed a lot in my life. I laugh all the time.
Probably the time I laughed the hardest was one day after school when my best friend Lisa and I were in my car, driving…somewhere. It was nice outside and we had the windows down. All of the sudden she starts screaming “OH MY GOD WHAT THE F*** IS ON ME!!!”
I look over at her, and she is pulling the front of her shirt away from her body, and there is this huge, I mean massively gigantic, nasty black beetle sitting right on her boob. I literally burst out laughing and just could not stop. So she’s screaming, not wanting to touch this damn beetle while I’m driving and trying tnot to kill us because I’m practically on the floorboards with laughter.
Finally I yell “GET THAT SOCK!” because there’s a sock in the car (for whatever reason) so she grabs the sock and uses it to grab the beetle, then flings both out the window. Probably the hardest I’ve ever laughed in my life. I can’t think about it without laughing and we still sometimes randomly ask each other “OH MY GOD WHAT THE F*** IS ON ME??”
Oh, that’s a good one…Reminds me of the Stupid Pet Tricks installment where Letterman had a woman on with a grreeeat big praying mantis. She finally got it to sit on Dave’s shoulder amidst a great show of him eeewing and yipeing and flinching. Finally the megabug is seated calmly on Dave’s glen plaid suit shoulder and everything is fine. “You’re not nervous?” asks the owner. “Oh no,” he assures her. Then just as soon as her back is turned…
…he audibly WHAPS his shoulder.
The OTHER shoulder. The bug is undisturbed, but the owner turns around in white-hot horror.
I was living in Berlin and had two women visiting. I knew them both from a school where I taught in Switzerland. One was a low maintenance New York girl, and the other was a high maintenance Beverly Hills girl. At any rate, it was the day they were supposed to take a train to Frankfurt from Berlin for their flight back. We put their luggage in lockers at the train station and did a final Berlin tour. We had had more than enough beer and wine. I took them back to the train station and…there was an electrical black out. The entire station was dark and employees were leading you through to get to the trains. The girls had their luggage in lockers, that of course were electrical. Slow as molasses in winter, the guards took people to the lockers to get their things. NYC girl got her luggage fast, but high maintenance BH girl was having a problem. They announced their train was leaving in ten minutes. Beverly Hills girl was having a fit…crying and screaming that her valuables were stuck in some damned German locker and she was going home with “no souvenirs!”
At that point, NY girl, loaded from several bottles of wine, started to sing “Summertime, and the living is easy…” Well, it was dark in the station, hundreds of people milling around, BH girl is screaming, NY girl is singing (and she was a VERY good singer) and people gathered around and applauded when she finished the song. Finally, the masses said to get BH locker opened first, so they opened her locker, we ran upstairs and they barely made the train.
BH girl was wiping her tears, NY girl was just grinning, drunk out of her mind. We all waved goodbye.
And as the train left, I noticed it was the wrong train.
They were on their way to Poland.
All I can think of right now is when I bought snow booties for my golden retriever. I put them on her and she went trapsing off into the backyard which was covered in 12" of snow, trying to shake the boots off with each step. Her legs were flailing sideways and backwards and everywhere. But she was so excited to be out in the snow she didn’t take the time to lie down and chew them off. She just ran around looking incredibly silly.
My brother and I laughed for like 15 mins before I rescued her from the boots. We also wasted no time buying boots for his dog too to see what she would do. Also funny
I bore witness to my friend convincing a "dumb " type in our grade that in his family, they get presents for Martin Luther King day. We were all trying not to laugh as we got more and more detailed about the specific presents he got.
Probably won’t sound as funny, but it was hilarious.
The first time I saw Sam Kinison on TV was one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. It was probably his first HBO special, and we were astonished at how he would come up with each bit more hilarious than the last. But the show closer did it for me. He started playing a soulful tune on the piano and talking about a failed relationship, and as the verse came up, he ended his story and launched in at full voice, “YOU FUCKIN’ WHORE!!! YOU USED ME!!! YOU NEVER LOVED ME!!! I HOPE YOU SLIDE UNDER A GAS TRUCK AND TASTE YOUR OWN FUCKIN’ BLOOD!!! DIE! DIE! DIE! (pounds piano furiously) I WANT MY RECORDS BACK!!! I WANT MY FUCKIN’ RECORDS BACK!!!” I don’t think I’ve laughed that hard at anything…except for maybe this -
There was this time in the '70s that the guys at the radio station took me out for birthday lunch containing mushrooms. At 3:00, I read the news. It was going just swimmingly, until one sentence I read struck me as the funniest words ever written in the English language, and I could not contain myself. I tried to read the next story, but kept giggling through it and trying to start again. Then I lost it on the air. The board operator in the next room lost it, too. There was nothing I could do to restrain myself, and what made it worse was that I could hear people in the front office killing themselves laughing, banging on the furniture and gasping for air. So I’d go through another bout of it. Eventually, somebody put on some music, and I didn’t go on the air anymore that day. I wonder if anybody remembers that?
I’ve related this one before, so I’ll try to condense it.
A bunch of guys are camping in the woods down by the Mississippi River. We’ve sawn down a couple of trees in order to construct a shanty of sorts. There are some left over logs…approximately 4 feet long and 4 inches in diameter. A guy we call ‘Polish’ because you have to get 6 letters deep into his last name before you find a vowel and you’re only halfway done decides he’s going to build a campfire. The logs are too long, so he decides he’ll split them in half. He lays two logs parallel to each other about 3 feet apart. He lays another log across them making kind of a wide “H” pattern. He takes his position at the bottom of the H, and using the 4th log, he mightily smites the log laying across the middle.
Green wood doesn’t break. It does, though, have outstanding rebound capacity.
The smiting log immediately bounces back to strike him flush in the face, causing a split lip, a bloody nose, and, later, a good sized swelling on the forehead. He stands up, dazed, then falls backward in a perfect starfish pattern. (Luckily for him, the land was pretty sandy thereby not causing any further injury.)
Just glancing at him for the rest of the weekend would result in uncontrollable laughter.
