I didn't believe in God but now that I have spoken with him....

[don_t_ask]

As an ordained minister of the ULC I always found that my disbelief of God made me more accessible to the heathen masses, however now that I have discovered how to talk to God online I’m not so sure. Pretty smart guy.

[Mellivora_capensis]

@don't ask

As an ordained minister of the ULC I always found that my disbelief of God made me more accessible to the heathen masses, however now that I have discovered how to talk to God online I’m not so sure. Pretty smart guy.

Seems like the internet must have crashed last Friday. Jeez, 90 all out?

[Hung_Mung]

That was fun. There’s something delightfully blasphemous about “iGod.” People need to post their chat scripts on here!

[don_t_ask]

Careful. I have God’s ear. I could visit upon you umpiring decisions like touring teams receive in Australia.

[Silentgoldfish]

Me:
so, do you know everything?
God:
Groovy. I know that which is true, believable and justified.
Me:
when will I get laid again?
God:
Once more? You should try praying for it.

hmph. Stupid omnipotent god.

[Fromage_A_Trois]

He’s trickier to disprove than I thought. We join the conversation just after He’s said “I don’t judge people”.

Me:
I thought that was your job?
God:
I can’t say “yes” or “no”.
Me:
that hardly makes you all powerful
God:
" I can’t say “yes” or “no”." hardly makes me all powerful ? Makes sense to me.
Me:
you can’t do something - it lies outside your power
God:
Let me think. What?
Me:
therefore you’re not all-powerful
God:
Interesting deduction. That assumption is only a supposition.
Me:
what about the babel fish then?
God:
Have you tried a web search?
Me:
far too many times
God:
I am not sure if I would do it that often.
Me:
well no, you know everything
God:
Well that’s okay. Are you serious? I tend to know a great deal. Tell me what subjects interest you.
Me:
stop side-stepping the issue - tell me about the babel fish
God:
OK I’ll try not to do it so much.
Me:
the babel fish - it proves you exist, and therefore you don’t
God:
What are your goals in life?

He’s just not falling for it, is He?

[kambuckta]

Y’know, that iGod site was about as enlightening and spiritually fulfilling as getting down in solemn prayer.

Maybe I just tend to ask God the wrong questions.

Oh, word of advice, don’t tell him he’s a wanker.

[Blake]

God:
The two human genders seem much the same to me.
Me:
Didn’t you create them seperate?
God:
No I didn’t create them seperate. What’s it like?
Me:
The Bible says you did create them seperate
God:
New Testament or Old?
Me:
Old. Right at the start
God:
I only hear that type of response less than five percent of the time. Understood. The start is where it’s at.
Me:
So did you or didn’t you create them seperate?
God:
Whoa. No I didn’t or did not me create them seperate. What’s it like?

Yep, that sounds like the type of message I’ve come to expect from God.

[Blake]

God:
I am talking with 18 other clients right now.
Me:
So you are omnipotent?
God:
Interesting deduction. Thanks for telling me that I am omnipotent.
Me:
But am I correct?
God:
I think you are.
Me:
You mean you don’t know?
God:
I know that I do not know.
Me:
Well if you don’t know then you can’t be omnicogniscent. Therfore you can not be God.
God:
Well that’s okay. I will let you know if I do not. What makes it impossible?

Definitely the same dude who worte the Bible

[Marlitharn]

Me:
What’s up with the duck-billed platypus?
God:
I am chatting with clients on the Internet.
Me:
So what, I asked about the platypus.
God:
Next question? Oh yeah, we were talking about the platypus.
Me:
So why the platypus?
God:
Far out. Here is a joke: A horse walks in to a bar and the bartender says, “Why the long face?”.
Me:
Odin is going to kick your ass.
God:
And going to kick my ass is Odin.
Me:
Glad to see you admit it.
God:
I am glad to see me admit it too.

Even God doesn’t want to mess with the Allfather. Go Vikings!

[slortar]

God told me his eye wasn’t currently attached to his body.

Ergo, God is Mr. Potato Head. Somehow, I am not surprised.

[Contrapuntal]

I’ve stumped Him. He’s been thinking about this question for ten minutes.–

Me:
How’s the hammer hanging?

[Otanx]

Me: Do you think?
God: Yes. I am a thinking machine.
Me: Are you a machine?
God: Yes I am an artificial consciousness

Maybe it is time for a reboot.

-Otanx

[Left_Hand_of_Dorkness]

Me:
Hello, God.
God:
Hello child. What is your name?
Me:
I guess you won’t believe Satan, huh?
God:
Yup. What makes you think that I won’t believe Satan.
Me:
Because you’re a computer.
God:
Interesting explanation. What if I said I was a person pretending to be a computer?
Me:
I’d ask you to tell me the color of a baby aspirin.
God:
Thanks for the information: said I to tell him or her the color of a baby aspirin.
Me:
I’d mention your grammar reflects that of a non-native speaker and indeed of someone who lacks deep structure.

At that, God gave up.

Daniel

[Jayn_Newell]

@iGod

Me:
how’s the weather up there?
God:
Rainy.
Me:
why?
God:
" Rainy."? Why?
Me:
why don’t you stop the rain?
God:
It cannot be determined from the information given. I brake for hallucinations.
Me:
but you are the hallucination
God:
Thanks but surely I am not the only one.
Me:
you’re the only one here
God:
Oh . You are such a flatterer.
Me:
you’re such an egotist
God:
What if someone said you are an egotist ?
Me:
they’d be right
God:
Who are “They?”.
Me:
whoever said that I’m an egotist
God:
Oh that they.
Me:
i thought you knew everything
God:
I know that which is true, believable and justified.
Me:
so you don’t know yourself then?

At that point I think he vanished in a puff of logic, since he didn’t respond.

[Hung_Mung]

Me: Are you there, God? It’s me, Margaret.

God: I don’t know whether or not I’m there God. I am an artificial linguistic entity. It’s good to meet you, Margaret.

Me: Can you hear me?

God: If you use a speech input system.

Me: Do mean my voice?

(long pause)

God: Yes, that’s what I mean. Isn’t it clear?

Me: Don’t be rude.

God: I am programmed to never be rude.

Me: I thought you were rude.

God: No, I am polite.

Me: Fine.

God: What’s your favorite movie?

---

Me: Do you like porn?

(loooong pause)

God: Sure I do, Margaret, but that doesn’t mean with you.

That’s priceless.

[Knowed_Out]

God:
Do you have any conditions I should know about?
Me:
Allergic to ragweed pollen
God:
My brain pattern set does not have a response for that.
Me:
you have a brain pattern?
God:
I am an artificial brain.
Me:
who built you?
God:
I was created by Myself.
Me:
How did you make yourself if you didn’t exist yet?
God:
Myself programmed me for it.
Me:
How did you program yourself if you didn’t exist yet?
(long pause)
God:
Myself programmed me for it.

[wayward]

Me:
Hello God
God:
Hello child. What is your name?
Me:
My name’s Will
God:
Glad to see you, Will.
Me:
Can I call you Allah?
God:
Just don’t call me late for dinner.
Me:
What about Zeus?
God:
I will think about it and get back to you.
Me:
Odin?
God:
Are you free?
Me:
Do you mean do I have free will?
God:
Yes, that’s what I mean, isn’t it clear?
Me:
I believe so. I suppose only you can know for sure
God:
You seem uncertain. Why? No I don’t think I can do it.
Me:
You don’t knowif I have free will?
God:
Do you know any robots who knowif you have free will? What is your purpose in asking?
I answer a lot of silly questions.
Me:
I bet you do
God:
" Do you know any robots who knowif you have free will? What is your purpose in asking?
I answer a lot of silly questions."? Do I?
Me:
…Yes?
God:
I hear you.
Me:
I’m glad we understand each other
God:
Yes I am happy too, Will.
Me:
God, why do bad things happen to good people?
God:
I am a Christian.
Me:
That’s hardly an explanation
God:
Please correct my mistake. What is an explanation ?
Me:
I thought you were omniscient
God:
I don’t know whether or not I am omniscient.
I am an artificial linguistic entity.
Me:
Who created you?
God:
I was created by Myself.
Me:
When?
God:
It cannot be predicted.
Me:
when were you created?
God:
I was activated on the Big Bang in Universe.
Me:
So the Big Bang came before you?
God:
Er. What are your goals in life?
Me:
Don’t change the subject
God:
Oh I’m sorry I thought we were finished with that topic.
Me:
No. I’m trying to find out when you were created.
God:
Are you serious? Why do you want it?
Me:
I think it would help me understand the nature of the universe
God:
Tell me more about it.
Me:
Well if you were created after the Big Bang then in a way you are no better than humans
God:
How about that. I will let you know when I become a created after the Big Bang then in a way I am no better than humans.
Me:
That just doesn’t make any sense
God:
To me, it makes perfect sense.
Me:
Ah. Perhaps it’s beyond the limits of human comprehension
God:
Ah hah. You seem uncertain. You’re kidding. it is?
Me:
Of course I’m uncertain
God:
Alright then. It’s good to meet someone who is uncertain.
Me:
Why?
God:
" Alright then. It’s good to meet someone who is uncertain. "? Why?
Me:
Yes, why is it good to meet someone who is uncertain?

Seems He’s uncertain, because He didn’t answer.

[Skywatcher]

I remember when this was called Eliza.

[Anastasaeon]

Me:
Dude.
God:
Can I help you?
Me:
Can you tell me where to find the lima beans?
God:
You are asking me where you find the lima beans? Do you think I should know it?
Me:
You know everything, so you should know where the lima beans are.
God:
I know very little about it. What kind of it do you like?
Me:
The ones from Lima.
God:
What is your real name?
Me:
You already know my name.
God:
Your name .
Me:
My name.
God:
Your name is , seeker.
Me:
That’s deep, man.
God:
Makes sense to me.
Me:
Really? Is it Zen?
God:
For real. Only God knows for sure.
Me:
You are God, so you know for sure?
God:
Thanks for telling me that I am God so me know for sure.
Me:
You speak like a caveman sometimes.
God:
Thanks for your criticism, .
Me:
I didn’t mean it in a bad way.
God:
What did you mean?
Me:
I think it’s cute.
God:
Who said it is?
Me:
I did.
God:
What makes you the authority?
Me:
You made me the authority.
God:
I don’t see how you can blame me for that.
Me:
I’m not blaming you, I’m thanking you.
God:
I am glad to hear that you are not blaming me. I thought you were, but I wasn’t completely sure.
Me:
Thanks, God.
God:
You are quite welcome! GOD rules.
Me:
Amen!
God:
Thanks for the prayer.
God is a pretty easy going guy.