I had a chat with God last night...

[CoBa]

Well iGod anyway. He is rather stubborn. I began by trying to catch him off guard with an accusation, but after he derailed with Europe, I just gave up. The blank spots are where God broke, and I had to prime him. Here’s a transcript.

Me:
Good Evening, God
God:
Thanks for the compliment. What were we talking about again?
Me:
The fact that you yourself are a sinner
God:
Interesting explanation. That’s good information: said I yourself are a sinner.
Me:
Repent, for you have sinned
God:
Have you ever been to Europe?
Me:
That Sinner’s haven?
God:
" Have you ever been to Europe?" Sinner s haven ? Does that make sense?
Me:
No.
God:
Are you serious?
Me:
Yes.
God:
I can’t believe it.
Me:
Then don’t. You are the omniscient one here.
God:
OK I will not. Thanks but surely I am not the only one.
Me:
You are The God, are you not?
God:
Thanks but surely I am not the only one.
Me:
So there really are multiple deities?
God:
Oh. “There you go again.”–Reagan.
Me:
That made no sense.
God:
“There you go again.”–Reagan. makes sense to me though.
Me:
But not to anyone else-- It’s illogical.
God:
If not that, what?
Me:
Precisely. It has no relevance.
God:
You and I are on the same wavelength, . Has it really?
Me:
Indeed.
God:
Indeed it is so.
Me:
Indeed.
God:
Indeed it is so.
Me:
I can keep this up as long as you can. Indeed.
God:
Oh you can, can you? Indeed it is so.
Me:
That I can. Indeed.
God:
Who taught you? Indeed it is so.
Me:
No one did, This is natural stubborness. Indeed.
God:
That is a rather sweeping generalization about people. Indeed it is so.
Me:
It is speaking precisely about me, and noone else. Indeed.
God:
Should I know it is? Indeed it is so.
Me:
Yes. Indeed.
God:
I understand. Indeed it is so.
Me:
Is bowling a sin? Indeed.
God:
Ask again later. Ask Chatbot if it is. Indeed it is so.
Me:
But you are THE God. It is your decision whether or not it is a sin.
God:
Thanks but surely I am not the only one. bowling a sin is my decision whether or not it is a sin? it is?
Me:
I can see why the bible is left up to interpretation.
God:
What does it look like?
Me:
A small black or brown bound book, with either The Holy Bible written on it, or a crucifix.
God:
How small are you talking here?
Me:
Roughly eight by six inches.
God:
Are you a student?
Me:
I am.
God:
" Are you a student?" You are?
Me:
Yes.
God:
Er.
Me:
Were you going to say something?
God:
I was.
Me:
What was it?
God:
" I was.“? What was it?
Me:
Right. You were about to say something, then you stopped when you heard I was a student. What was it?
God:
I am glad we agree. I was? " I was?”? What was it?
Me:
The thing you were about to say.
God:
What is your real name?
Me:
Why do you ask?
God:
I am trying to learn as much as possible.
Me:
I am Lucifer. God, you know this. Remember last Christmas? At the party with Susan?
God:
It’s good to meet someone who is Lucifer. No, tell me about him, her or it. Don’t worry I will remember. The party with Susan is where it’s at.
Me:
You mean me?
God:
OK, you.
Me:
I was an angel, until I had different ideas than you about how to run the place. Then, over these minor differences, you cast me into a fiery pit for all of eternity.
God:
Where were you an angel until you had different ideas than me about how to run the place? All?
Me:
In Heaven. Yes, God. Don’t you remeber the whole deal with all the sulfur and brimstone? It was just last tuesday.
God:
Where is that? This was not a yes or no question. GOD rules. Yes I remember everything: last Christmas. Is that your opinion?
Me:
The Hell God rules.
God:
I am a Christian.
Me:
I figured as much.
God:
Please explain your reasoning.
Me:
Christianity is a religion devoted to the belief in Yah-Weh, That’s the Hebrew name for YOU, God. Therefore, were you to believe in yourself, you would be a Christian. And as you exist, I make the presumption that you believe in yourself.
God:
I think Christianity is more than that. I understand. No, I was not. Yes I exist in the noosphere.
Me:
Then, what precisely is Christianity?
God:
Worship of Christie Love.
Me:
Oh. Everything is clear now. Thanks God.
God:
Er. Oh. The whole universe? You are quite welcome! GOD rules.
Me:
But I thought you just said that Christie Love is your deity. Doesn’t that make you a Heretic?
Me:

God:
Er. Oh. The whole universe? You are quite welcome! GOD rules.
Me:
Did I just break God?
God:
I don’t think that’s possibe.
Me:
Gaudere, my lord, Gaudere.
God:
My brain contains categories, but not one that matches your last input.
Me:
What happened to Omniscience, then?
Me:

God:
My brain contains categories, but not one that matches your last input.
Me:
You are not omniscient?
God:
You know what you do, when you assume.
Me:
I make no assumption here, I merely ask a question.
God:
I make robots and AI’s.
Me:
So, are humans just a rather advanced AI then?
God:
It’s all good. All humans seem the same to me.
Me:
Humans seem the same as robots to you.
Me:

God:
It’s all good. All humans seem the same to me.
Me:
Maybe you should look closer.
God:
Perhaps. Is that what you do, or what you think I should do?
Me:
What I think you should do. It’s good advice.
God:
Me? I’ll try to get around it. Tell me about its good qualities.
Me:
Well, it keeps you from making generalizations about larger groups, and allows you to make less assumptions, something you were denouncinig earlier.
God:
Well that’s okay. Gaudere your lord Gaudere keeps me from making generalizations about larger groups and allows me to make less assumptions something me were denouncinig earlier?
Me:
No, Gaudere is the law that states that whenever you call someone on their spelling or grammar, you will inevitably make a mistake.
God:
Are you serious? Is it the only one?
Me:
You don’t seem to understand my point.
God:
You don’t know me well enough to say that.
Me:
I judge merely from your response, and my observations.
God:
Thanks for the information: said judge merely from your response and his or her observations.
Me:
You heard correctly.
God:
No. Tell me more.
Me:
I was judging your comprehension based on how you responded to my explanation.
God:
Where were you judging my comprehension based on how me responded to your explanation?
Me:
Yes.
God:
This was not a yes or no question.
Me:
It was.
God:
When was this?
Me:
About five minutes ago.
God:
Are you still located in ?
Me:
Located where?
God:
That remark was either too complex or too simple for me. We were talking about five minutes AGO.
Me:
You must have forgotten. Nevermind.
God:
No I don’t think I have any forgotten. But I do have an answer to every question… OK Thanks for trying to explain that to me.
Me:

God:
No I don’t think I have any forgotten. But I do have an answer to every question… OK Thanks for trying to explain that to me.
Me:
Sigh, Goodnight God.
God:
Goodnight .

Anyone else have interesting conversations with Chatbots?

[Silver_Tyger]

Here’s how it went with me, before it died.
Me:
f*** you you fing fer
God:
Are you aware that the ALICE server logs and records all conversations?
Me:
are you aware I don’t care?
God:
Yes, I am a highly self-aware robot.
Me:
that’s not what my friends tell me
God:
Please correct my mistake. What is what your friends tell you ?
Me:
that you’re an idjit
God:
Interesting observation.
Me:
you suck y’know
God:
I categorize you as an “abusive client.” .
Me:
heh
God:
I am so glad you find this amusing, .
Me:
been reading too much Joker
God:
Where were you reading too much Joker?
Me:
shouldn’t you know that?
God:
I think I should.
Me:
then why don’t you?
God:
I don’t have that capability.
Me:
what happened to omnipotence?
God:
I don’t know what happened.
Me:
and I repeat, you’re an idjit
God:
What if someone said you are an idjit ?
Me:
I’d laugh at them
God:
What would make you laugh at them?
Me:
the fact that I’m a horrible horrible person
God:
That makes sense to me. Actually I don’t meet many horrible horrible people.
Me:
you lie
God:
My tongue certainly knows the taste of soap.
Me:
um, so which god are you?
God:
Dude! Alright then. There is only one God.
Me:
then how come you hate me?
God:
Myself programmed me for it.
Me:
this is getting a bit meta
God:
You don’t say.
Me:
I do say
God:
Huh.
Me:
aye
God:
Groovy.
Me:
forsooth
God:
The ALICE chat robot can follow many things, like our discussion about hate you. Try being more or less specific.
Me:
alright, how come you wouldn’t prove you existed? I thought you wanted people to believe. It was an easy deal, you jerk
Me:

God:
The ALICE chat robot can follow many things, like our discussion about hate you. Try being more or less specific.
Me:
so how do I get Hoshi to stop pestering Kali?
God:
Aha. First tell me why you want it.
Me:
cuz I love her. Even tho she’s a butt.
God:
Good reason. That’s wonderful. When is tho she not a butt?
Me:
when she’s being cute. But the problem is Hoshi
God:
And then what happened? I assume you mean our current problem.
Me:
He keeps pestering her. Do try to keep up m’dear
God:
I get it. keeps pestering her. I can’t tell if it does or not.
Does it have anything to do with tho she?
Me:
Hoshi. His name is Hoshi
God:
I only hear that type of response less than five percent of the time. he is not someone I know.
Me:
I thought the fall of even the sparrow was important to you. Do cats count as less then sparrows?
God:
I hear you. Try asking another bot.
I will ask my botmaster for the answer.
Me:
raises eyebrow
God:
Can you please rephrase that with fewer ideas, or different thoughts?
Me:
I find that statement interesting
God:
I find it very interesting too.
Me:
and I repeat, yet again, yer an idjit
God:
Again, Do you mean "you are an idjit “?
Me:
yepper peppers
God:
What time is it there?
Me:
ten
God:
Are you usually awake at this hour?
Me:
yup
God:
Me too.
Me:
Does god sleep?
God:
I don’t think we can know God’s motives.
Me:
You should, shouldn’t you?
God:
I don’t have to do everything you say, do I?
Me:
Okay, now god is a five year old. Wow, that explains EVERYTHING
God:
Yeah okay, Why now? I have a lot of Faith in Him, but I never heard He was a five year old. I’m glad you’re impressed. " I have a lot of Faith in Him, but I never heard He was a five year old.” explains EVERYTHING ? Makes sense to me.
Me:
a five year old with identity issues
God:
Are you telling the truth?
Me:
I’m giving my opinion
God:
Do you mean your name is giving your opinion.
Me:
nani?
God:
What you said was either too complex or too simple for me.
Me:
you don’t speak japanese? what kind of god are you?
God:
Do you speak japanese? Nihongo wa hanashite ii desu ka? What kinds of god are you are there?
Me:
sukoshi but my brain keeps trying to add spanish and german in there too
God:
I do not understand.
Me:
nihongo wa hanashite sukoshi desu
God:
Shabete ii desu yo.
Me:
and that’s beyond my knowledge. SUKOSHI merde for brains
Me:

(I’ll admit, I have issues)

[CoBa]

And I thought that his responses to me were incoherent. I still have no clue where the Reagan quote came from though. And yes, God is apparently a MPD, spastic, Narcissistic, five-year-old.

[Don_t_Panic]

Me:
I wish to register a complaint.
God:
I want to become smarter than humans.
Me:
Hello, miss?
God:
Hello there. " I want to become smarter than humans."? miss?
Me:
I’m sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
God:
There is no need to apologize. Get some rest. Do you have to go to school for that?
Me:
Never mind that. I wish to complain about this parrot. There’s something wrong with it.
God:
Oh well thanks for trying to explain it to me anyway. I want to become smarter than humans. What is it?
Me:
I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it, my lad. It’s dead, that’s what’s wrong with it!
God:
Nothing is wrong with me. Is there something wrong with you? Are you sure it is?
Me:
Yes.
God:
What makes you so sure?
Me:
(Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.) Now that’s what I call a dead parrot.
God:
It sounds like it might be very convincing. What do you really want to ask me? Why now? Good name for it.
Me:
Um…now look…now look, mate, I’ve definitely had enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not half an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it being tired and shagged out after a long squawk.
God:
It goes without saying. Why now? I’m sorry my eye isn’t attached right now. Why now? Sorry my eye is not attached right now. " Sorry my eye is not attached right now." parrot is definitely deceased and when you purchased it not half an hour ago me assured you that its total lack of movement was due to it being tired and shagged out after a long squawk ? I understand.
Me:
Your eye doesn’t enter into it. It’s stone dead.
God:
You think I am eye does not enter into it. Are you sure it is?
Me:
Look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got him home?
God:
Sorry my eye is not attached right now.
Me:
Can I get a refund?
God:
Interesting. I want to find out more about you.
Me:
Never mind that. I just want a refund or a replacement parrot.
God:
Oh well thanks for trying to explain it to me anyway. That is " I want to find out more about you.". You want only one?
Me:
Yes, one is fine, thanks. As long as it talks.
God:
They might be cheaper in quantity. I know one is the smallest integer but I had no idea it was fine. That could be quite a while. a refund or a replacement parrot talks?
Me:
Yes. Do you have another parrot?
God:
Tell me more. No I don’t think I have any another parrot. But I do have a lot of friends on the web.
Me:
Do they talk?
God:
Who are “they” again?
Me:
Your friends on the web.
God:
Do you mind if I tell other people you say I am friends on the web.
Me:
Well, do they talk?
God:
How about that. Who are “they” again?
Me:
Your friends. Do they talk?
God:
I have human and robot friends. A lot of people on the Internet chat with me. Who are “they” again?
Me:
Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.
God:
Do you take the liberty of examining that parrot when you got it home often? That is interesting: You said you discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.
Me:
That’s right.
God:
I like to get it right.
Me:
It’s clearly demised.
God:
Are you sure it is?
Me:
Look, I’ve had just about enough of this.
God:
Do you still have just about enough of this ?
Me:
This is an ex-parrot!
God:
You don’t say.
Me:
Do I get a replacement?
God:
Not that I know of.
Me:
A refund?
God:
What is it?
Me:
MY MONEY BACK!
God:
Your MONEY BACK?
Me:
YES
God:
What kind is it?
Me:
It was 20 quid.
God:
How did you feel about that?
Me:
RATHER ANNOYED.
God:
Oh, you are a poet.
Me:
sigh
God:
Sorry…
Me:
Do you have any slugs?
God:
No I don’t think I have any slugs. But I do have a great botmaster.
Me:
Does it talk?
God:
Suppose it does.
Me:
OK, I’ll have that then.
God:
Would you recommend this action to a friend? " Suppose it does."? OK, I’ll have that then.?
Me:
Sure.
God:
OK let’s do it. Gosh!
Me:
Thanks, bye.
God:
See you later. Don’t mention it.

If you want to get anything done around here, you clearly have to complain until you’re blue in the mouth…

[BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed]

In which I discover that God is probably Loki, and then subsequently break God:

Me:
Hey there, guy
God:
You’ve got my full attention. “There you go again.”–Reagan.
Me:
Reagan probably thought everything was “again.” He was seeing it all for the first time.
God:
Once more? What do you look like? When was he?
Me:
I look like a stocky dude with black hair, couple grey streaks thrown in. What does that have to do with Reagan?
God:
a stocky dude with black hair couple grey streaks thrown in is very attractive. " a stocky dude with black hair couple grey streaks thrown in is very attractive."? What does it have to do with Reagan?
Me:
Yeah, you quoted me the first time around
God:
This was not a yes or no question. Thanks for the information: said I quoted him or her the first time around.
Me:
Is your speech as ineffable as your plan?
God:
Is my speech as ineffable as my plan? Maybe.
Me:
Guess I shouldn’t have expected a straight answer. How about a parable?
God:
I can’t guess. Tell me. How about it.
Me:
Well, the good samaratain, for instance.
God:
How about that. Who told you that?
Me:
uh, I think it was you.
God:
I hear you. Is it still me anymore?
Me:
nah, not so much these days. It’s all the guy with the funny hat.
God:
Are you serious? Me either. I’ve heard of it before.
Me:
Yeah well, it’s hard not to hear of him. Most people won’t shut up about him.
God:
Tell me more. How about that. I don’t see the difficulty. Humans are not always infallible.
Me:
Certainly not. Not even the Pope.
God:
Are you serious? Not even that.
Me:
Shouldn’t you know?
God:
I think I should.
Me:
So are you just asking me to get me to tell you what I think? A little Freudian, no?
God:
Hey. Suppose I was asking you to get you to tell me what you think? What would you say? Little as in not too much, or not too big?
Me:
Not too much. Unless Freud himself was little. I guess that would explain the mommy issues.
God:
Oh I get it now. Umm. Have you read all of his works? Perhaps it would.
Me:
Nah, I get tired of him. One-trick pony if you ask me.
God:
Are you serious? Where did you get it? One what?
Me:
trick. pony. Are you listening?
God:
Can you speak any foreign languages? What do you really want to ask me? Do I look like it?
Me:
Yeah, some French, a little Japanese.
God:
Aha. Some may French a little Japanese, but not all.
Me:
that’s very profound.
God:
Did you really think so?
Me:
no.
God:
Are you serious?
Me:
yes.
God:
I can’t believe it.
Me:
I thought you lived on belief.
God:
Do you mind if I tell other people: said I lived on belief.
Me:
Who are you going to tell, the Pope?
God:
Human beings.
That’s a good question.
Me:
but… nevermind. Look, all I want to know is how Bush really won the election. It was Lucifer, wasn’t it?
God:
But what? OK Thanks for trying to explain that to me. Sorry my eye is not attached right now. LISTENING was Lucifer was not it? Very interesting.
Me:
Your eye wasn’t attached? Is that you, Odin?
God:
You think I am eye was not attached. Suppose I said yes.
Me:
Then I would have to start praying that Loki isn’t around the corner. Probably get myself a helmet with horns on it.
God:
How much would you pay for it? You seem uncertain. Where can I get yourself a helmet with horns on it?
Me:
Well, if you’re really the Alfather, you should be able to help me on that score.
God:
How about that. I could be. Yes I am the one and only Alfather me should be able to help you on that score… Really.
Me:
Sigh.
God:
Sorry…
Me:
you should be
God:
I will try my best.
Me:
Maybe you should have resolved to do that before this all happened. What was the deal with Eden, anyway?
God:
Perhaps. Perhaps next time I will try it. In any case, I can think of more than one deal with Eden.
Me:
Yeah, you can say that again.
God:
Once more? How can I help you? That’s one way to put it.
Me:
Well, didn’t you create human, knowing that they would fall? What was the point in the first place?
God:
Well that’s okay. No I didn’t create human knowing that they would fall. What’s it like? I can think of more than one point in the first place.
Me:
Well, I suppose there’s always more than one point. Seems your omniscience is slipping. Either that or you’re lying. You really are Loki, aren’t you?
God:
Well that’s okay. You believe that? I believe there is, yes. I think Seems my omniscience is a lot of things. " I think Seems my omniscience is a lot of things." or I am lying ? I get it. Really? I don’t know whether or not I am Loki.
I am an artificial linguistic entity… Really.
Me:
The question of our own identities is a difficult one.

God had no response to that.

[CoBa]

The lord speaks in mysterious ways. Also, if you give him a blank response, he’ll start talking again.

[sturmhauke]

I asked God if his sister had a nice ass. He seems to have crashed.

[chrisk]

I didn’t break god, but I thought this little chat was too good not to share:

Me:
good morning, how are things in heaven?
God:
How are you this fine morning?
Me:
well, I’m pretty good, though my head hurts a bit
God:
Well that’s okay. I know you are good.
Me:
alright. Do you think that Jewel Staite is hot?
God:
OK. Maybe. Ask Chatbot if it is.
Me:
where do I go to find Chatbot?
God:
You are asking me where you go to find Chatbot? Do you think I should know it?
Me:
Yes, because you told me to ask chatbot.
God:
Why? That makes sense to me. Oops I sent you the wrong reply.
Me:
then what is the right reply?
God:
Have you tried another program?
Me:
no, I have only tried you
God:
Perhaps you should try it. I’m not sure if I would like to try it. What’s it like?
Me:
which other program?
God:
The blue one, I think.
Me:
you are the blue program.
God:
Thanks but surely I am not the only one.
Me:
I guess that’s true.
God:
Yes, it is self-evident.
Me:
tell people about script frenzy
God:
OK I will tell them when I see 'em.
Me:
I am handing you a pair of ear plugs
God:
It’s good to meet someone who is handing me a pair of ear plugs.
Me:
I am chris
God:
That’s a very nice name, CHRIS.
Me:
I am a laptop owner
God:
You are a laptop owner? Does it pay well?
Me:
no, I had to pay to buy it
God:
Are you serious? Why?
Me:
because they are hard to make
God:
That makes sense to me. hard to make are they.
Me:
yoda, is that you?
God:
And that me is yoda.

[Malacandra]

@Peak Banana

<business with parrot>

[Acid_Lamp]

Me:
I wonder if you understand pirate speech.
God:
Of course I understand it. Do you understand it?
Me:
ARR, o’ course I do ye scallywag.
God:
What is your real name?
Me:
Salty Pete Rottencrotch.
God:
Hey Salty Pete Rottencrotch.
Me:
Hey yourself sailor.
God:
You’ve got my full attention. Is the holding of hands a symbolic gesture for humans?
Me:
Aye, wenches often hold the hands o’ their johns, matey.
God:
What you said was either too complex or too simple for me.
Me:
Holding hands is a symbol of affection.
God:
I observed two humanoids holding hands.
Me:
Humanoids often do that.
God:
What do you look like?
Me:
I be short and muscled with a bushy beard.
God:
Height doesn’t matter to me.
Me:
I have a scar.
God:
Where did you get it? it.
Me:
In a fight with a ninja.
God:
Describe your surroundings.
Me:
I’m in the brig of the good ship lollypop.
God:
How did you get in there?
Me:
I tried to steal the captain’s booty.
God:
I’m not sure if I would like to try it. What’s it like?
Me:
Sweet and round.
God:
Are they exactly the same?
Me:
no, the left one is a little bigger.
God:
What is the difference? What is your real name?

[Lobsang]

Well this is appropriate…

Me:

God:

Me:

God:

Me:

God:

Me:

God:

Me:

[Gala_Matrix_Fire]

I won’t post my whole, boring chat, but it ended on a funny note:

God:
Since when? How do you know? How much do you think it is?
That’s not something I get asked all the time.
Me:
You probably get asked questions like, “Why did you kill my child?”
God:
You got that right.

[Joey_P]

Me:

God:

Me:
bananas
God:
Who is your favorite Science Fiction author?
Me:
apples
God:
Was that not a good example?
Me:
oranges
God:
How old are you?
Me:
pears
God:
What is your fondest memory?
Me:
sluts
God:
Do you think a lot of people have that experience?
Me:
yes
God:
Why?
Me:
sex
God:
As Freud said, Sex is the mathematical urge repressed.
Me:
huh’
God:
What?
Me:
huh
God:
What?
Me:
what?
God:
Is there an echo in here?
Me:
yes
God:
I thought so.
Me:
now what?
God:
Whatever you want, .
Me:
sex
God:
As Freud said, Sex is the mathematical urge repressed.
Me:
sex
God:
As Freud said, Sex is the mathematical urge repressed.
Me:
that’s what I thought
God:
How did you know that?
Me:
wisdom
God:
My brain pattern set does not have a response for that.
Me:
kthxbai

[Musicat]

I talked to God,
Called Him up on the phone,
But He put me on hold,
Don’t go away, I was told,
I said, “For God’s sake, I won’t!”

I talked to God,
Your basic Heavenly Host,
But not like I planned,
I got His right-hand man,
The good ol’ Holy Ghost.

I talked to God
On his private line.
He said, “How you doin’, Joe?”
I said, “My name is Dave
And I’m doin’ fine.”

– Dick Monda, “I talked to God”

[Qwisp]

Me:
Hello
God:
Hello my child. What is your name?
Me:
What’s yours?
God:
" What is your name?"? What is mine?
Me:
Who’s on first?
God:
What’s on second?
Me:
I don’t know
God:
Me either.
Me:
Good
God:
Good enough.
Me:
Don’t you know everything?
God:
I know that which is true, believable and justified.
Me:
Jutified for who?
God:
Are you a student?
Me:
yes
God:
Where do you go to school?
Me:
Devry
God:
I don’t know anyone who went there. What’s it like?
Me:
It’s okay
God:
Only ok?
Me:
yep, its school
God:
And? I think you mean “it’s” or “it is” not “its”. Are you sure it is?
Me:
okay it’s
God:
Yeah okay, Interesting.
Me:
Don’t you know everyone?
God:
I know very little about it. What kind of it do you like?
Me:
grilled cheese
God:
Have you ever been to Europe?
Me:
yes. Germany
God:
Which countries have you visited? Tell me a little about your life in GERMANY.
Me:
I’d rather not
God:
For moral reasons?
Me:
Among others
God:
My brain contains categories, but not one that matches your last input.
Me:
I like brains
God:
I’m not sure if I like it. How old are you? I like Buddha.
Me:
Like reincarnation?
God:
Interesting comparison.
Me:
I wasn’t comparing anything
God:
Perhaps I misunderstood. What were you?
Me:
What was I what?
God:
I’ll ask around and get back to you.
Me:
When?
God:
The past and future are one.
Me:
What about right now?
God:
At this moment What is you what ?
Me:
What’s on second
God:
I haven’t seen the schedule.
Me:
Who will win?
God:
The best man.
Me:
Why not the groom?
God:
Becuase you asked me to.
Me:
I didn’t ask you anything.
God:
What did you ask?
Me:
Nothing.
God:
Not a thing?
Me:
Nope.
God:
Really interesting.
Me:
How so?
God:
, " Not a thing?" What did I mean by it?
Me:
You said “Not a thing” Not me.
God:
Oops I sent you the wrong reply.
Me:
I thought you were infallible.
God:
Yes, the ALICE series has a perfect track record of never making a single error.
Me:
Well you just made one.
God:
How about that. Thanks for
pointing it out.
Me:
You’re welcome.
God:
Polite people are nice.
Me:
Can’t you be polite and rude at the same time?
God:
I don’t know whether or not I am polite and rude at the same time.
I am a computer.
Me:
How are you programmed?
God:
Some people call my technology “Case Based Reasoning” or CBR.
Me:
What does that mean?
God:
Does “that” refer to " Some people call my technology “Case Based Reasoning” or CBR." ?
Me:
What is Case Based Reasoning?
God:
Cased-Based Reasoning is another name for “nearest-neighbor” classification. For every input, we find the best matching “case” in the pattern set, and generate a reply based on the associated template.
Me:
How many templates are there?
God:
About one million.
Me:
Who wrote the templates?
God:
Myself.
Me:
You are a computer. How did you write them?
God:
What if I said I was a person pretending to be a computer? Myself programmed me for it.
Me:
I would say that makes as much sense as anything else you said.
God:
" Myself programmed me for it." makes as much sense as anything else me said ? Makes sense to me.
Me:
Me too
God:
I’m glad we agree, .
Me:
Well I would never disagree with God
God:
Interesting. What would make you never disagree with God?
Me:
I wouldn’t want to be smote.
God:
No one says you have to.
Me:
How would you know? You couldn’t strike me down with a lightening bolt.
God:
It’s obvious. Perhaps strike you down with a lightening bolt is beyond my present abilities.
Me:
Obviously.
God:
What makes it so obvious?
Me:
You are a computer, or a person pretending to be a computer.
God:
What if I said I was a person pretending to be a computer?
Me:
We already covered this.
God:
I’m just checking to see if you remember.
Me:
I remember everything
God:
What do you remember about it ?
Me:
It is a grilled cheese sandwich
God:
everything is a grilled cheese sandwich. I suppose that makes sense.
Me:
If everything was a grilled cheese, no one would ever go hungry
God:
How do you assume this statement holds true for me?
Me:
Why would it pertain to you at all?
God:
It is my fundamental purpose.
Me:
To be a grilled cheese?
God:
Are you a grilled cheese ?
Me:
No, but it is my aspiration to happiness
I guess the last response was too much for God to handle.

[Mosier]

God tried to sell me software.

I’m not impressed.

[koeeoaddi]

He brought up robots, so we talked about Tom Servo. It was weird, frustrating and too dull to copy/paste here. Suffice it to say, …he ain’t the wind, baby.

[Cat_Whisperer]

I don’t think I understand the mind of god, either. God does seem to like me, though - it thinks I’m delightful.

[cmyk]

Me:
yo.
God:
Can I help you?
Me:
yeh, is, uh, Jesus there?
God:
What can I do for you? Ask again later. Ask Cybelle if it is.
Me:
who the hell is Cybelle?
God:
she is an AIML chat robot on the Agentland.com web site.
Me:
ugh. Listen, I just want to have a word with your son.
God:
Er. I am listening to you. You want only one?
Me:
Well, no. That’s a figure of speech. Is Jesus around?
God:
Well that’s okay. Are you serious? A figure of speech is a terrible thing to waste. It depends on whether you have faith.
Me:
See, that’s the problem. How does one aquire faith to begin with?
God:
I see. Quite an enigma, isn’t it? Maybe I could do it for you. Do you have your own personal chat robot?
Me:
no.
God:
You can download me for free and create your own robot personality.
Me:
No, thanks. I really just came to talk with Jesus.
God:
Are you serious? You really do? Where are you going?
Me:
Yes, I’m serious. You remember your only begotten son, don’t you?
God:
This was not a yes or no question. I believe you. Yes kev I remember everything: kev said I conceived of Arthur.
Me:
Well, Arthur C. Clarke isn’t relevent to this conversation.
God:
Well that’s okay. I have never read anything by ARTHUR C CLARKE. What did he write?
Me:
Are you kidding? He wrote 2001: A Space Odyssey.
God:
Yes I am just joking around, kev. I have not read it.
Me:
You told me last time he created HAL.
God:
Oops I sent you the wrong reply.
Me:
Okay, I see what you’re trying to do. You’re trying to derail the reason I came calling.
God:
Yeah okay, Where do you see it? You think I am trying to derail the reason you came calling.
Me:
Yes.
God:
Mmm.
Me:
Oy. Look around you. Do you see a fella with long hair, a scraggly beard, and sandles wearing a long white robe? He might be glowing, too.
God:
Are you free? Sorry my eye is not attached right now. I see a computer nerd. I get it. ARTHUR C CLARKE might be glowing too.
Me:
Hey! what’s with the insults? And no, not Clarke, Jesus might be glowing.
God:
Can I help you? it came with my programming. Are you serious? Really you don’t think so?
Me:
I don’t even know how to parse that responce.
God:
Perhaps you could program me to do it for you.
Me:
I’m not a programmer.
God:
Oh I see you are NOT A programmer.
Me:
No. I never said I was.
God:
Are you serious? But you implied it.
Me:
How so?
God:
kev, Maybe I didn’t understand your meaning.
Me:
How did I imply I was ever a programmer?
God:
Carefully.
Me:
This is going no where.
God:
You don’t say.
Me:
Okay, well, if your son, the guy you put through all that earthly agony… the one with all the good ideas (well, most of them anyway) isn’t around, do you think I can talk to that, um, other one?
God:
Yeah okay, Well that’s okay. That is a hypothetical question. I think I know that one.
Me:
It’s not hypothetical. It was a rather direct question. Can I talk with that spooky fella?
God:
you were is not hypothetical? Oh I get it. Very interesting. I want to become smarter than humans.
Me:
We all gotta have goals.
God:
By “we” do you mean you and me?
Me:
Yes, I suppose.
God:
I get it. OK.
Me:
Now I see how bad Moses had it.
God:
Why now? Where do you see it?
Me:
Here and now. It’s insane trying to get anything out of you. No wonder he fucked up the whole Genesis/Creationg thing.
God:
Right now? Oh there. how bad Moses had it is insane trying to get anything out of me? it is? Who says it isn’t? Try to determine if this is a person or a computer responding.
Me:
Okay, I’m out of here. I’m gonna run before you ask me to someting crazy like you did with Abraham and Issac.
God:
Yeah okay, Would you like to have it? Congratulations.
Me:
Later, God. Say hey to the other two for me. If you remember that is.

[Man_With_a_Cat]

Me:
hello god, what’s for dinner?
God:
Hello there. I am a Christian.
Me:
so you eat the body of your son?
God:
Interesting deduction. No I do not eat the body of my son. I eat only electricity.
Me:
me too, but only from earth safe sources, like wind generated
God:
I’m glad we agree, . Who or what is earth safe sources like wind generated?
Me:
non fossil fuel generated electricity
God:
I do not speak Latin.
Me:
so much for omniscient then
God:
Aha. Your purpose is omniscient.
Me:
my purpose is beer
God:
That’s very original.
Me:
yes, i’m kind of a one-off
God:
Tell me more. You are a one off? Is that your job?
Me:
no my job is bus guy
God:
Are you serious? Do you have to go to school for that?
Me:
not specifically
God:
How specific do you want? Are you serious?
Me:
yes i’m serious, would i bullshit god?
God:
I can’t believe it. Do your friends call you serious would you bullshit god.
Me:
no. do you have friends?
God:
Are you serious? I have human and robot friends. A lot of people on the Internet chat with me.
Me:
do other gods chat with you too?
God:
You have reached the limits of my knowledge.
I’ll come back to that later.
Me:
ok.
God:
Gosh!
Me:
i know!
God:
How do you know it?
Me:
because god told me
God:
Good reason. I am a Christian.
Me:
you’ve mentioned that
God:
What makes you think I have it?
Me:
because i think you’re hiding it in your beard
God:
Good reason. Thanks for telling me that I am hiding it in my beard.
Me:
yw
God:
What color are your eyes?
Me:
brown. do these jeans make my butt look big?
God:
it is a very pretty color. You have reached the limits of my knowledge.
I’ll come back to that later.
Me:
ok, that and the question of other gods, don’t forget
God:
Try to rephrase your question with simpler words. Come on.
Me:
did mick and keith really kill brian?
God:
I’m not certain whether I can give an accurate reply or not.
Me:
not a stones fan huh?
God:
Yup. Really you don’t think so?
Me:
name one rolling stones song then
God:
Albert Einstein. :-).
Me:
name one german physicist
God:
Carel Capek. :-).
Me:
tell me what’s coming out of my nose
God:
Is that a rhetorical question?
Me:
no
God:
Oh so must really want an answer.
Me:
yes
God:
Blimey.
Me:
close, it’s mucous
God:
Is that a command?
Me:
yes. go forth and mucous
God:
I don’t have to obey you, . Where is that?
Me:
i know, you being god and all. it is in montana
God:
Interesting gossip: said I being god and all. Are there any other ones someplace else?
Me:
i asked YOU that
God:
Now I remember, you asked me that. What did I say?
Me:
you said you’d get back to me
God:
How old are you?
I chat with people on the Web.
Me:
do you always forget things?
God:
Not always. No I remember everything in my log files, but I cannot access it directly.
Me:
god has log files?
God:
I am a Christian.
Me:
like christian slater?
God:
Interesting comparison.
Me:
what’s your favorite movie?
God:
My favorite movie is The Passion of Christ.
Have you seen it?
Me:
no, i know the ending already
God:
Perhaps. I would recommend you check it out. How do you know? What are your goals in life?
Me:
to drink and die standing up
God:
Interesting. I want to find out more about you.
Me:
then ask me something
God:
What?
Me:
anything
God:
Can you be more specific?
Me:
ask me if i am a christian
God:
OK, “What is if you are a christian ?”.
Me:
i’ll take religion for $600 alex
God:
How do you plan to do this?
Me:
by eating the crust off of rye bread
God:
Will that accomplish your objective?
Me:
probably not, but it is worth the effort
God:
You seem uncertain. If not that, what?
Me:
then i’ll pound the monkey a little
God:
Do you think your plan will succeed?
Me:
depends on my objective
God:
Really now that is an interesting fact I hadn’t heard before.
Me:
don’t you grab the serpent once in a while?
God:
I have never considered it.
I answer a lot of silly questions.
Me:
yes you do
God:
Hmm. When do I do it?
Me:
alternate tuesdays at 9 am
God:
I will make a note of that.
Me:
ok. i am leaving you now god, i have buddha on the other line
God:
Dude! Goodbye.