What if YOUR tastes determined what shows on TV?

Cafe Society
41

Agreed, i’d watch E.C.-TV, nothing wrong with his programming lineup, with the following additions;

reality shows would be banned utterly, any network suit even thinking of presenting one would be subject to immediate pre-emptive capital punishment

add the “Blowing S**T Up Channel”, simple basic concept, stuff blows up, every week would have a Discovery Channel style “Theme Week”, based around a unique kind of explosive…
“This week on Nuke Week!, we show you recently declassified footage of the U.S. Government putting your tax dollars to work making pretty mushroom clouds”
“Next week, Thermite Week, followed by Plastique Week…”

I’d also dedicate a channel to each cancelled Sci-Fi genre show, the Trek Network, Browncoat Network, Farscape Network, Bab5 Network, MST3K Network, Futurama Network (All Amy Wong, All the Time), etc…

42

Once a week, not once a year, Puppy Bowl.
No reality shows except Amazing Race and Project Runway.
News channels that showed news from each state, not just New York and California.
A weather channel that would fess up and say they had no clue what was going to happen.
A channel devoted to literature and writing. Really hot actors could read steamy passages from great literature.
A 24 hour Alton Brown channel.

43

Arrested Development channel, with constant reruns and shows and movies the actors and writers have been involved with.

44

Let’s see…

•Saturday Morning Cartoons
•Anime Network
•Network of Anime that Doesn’t Make Me Want to Kill Myself from Depression
•Non-Shitty Documentary Series Discovery Channel
•The “Highly Racy, Possibly NC-17, But Not, Strictly Speaking, Porno Movie” Channel
•The Pervy But Completely Legitimate Documentary Discovery Channel (aka “Desmond Morris TV”)
•The Execution Channel
•The “Episodes of a Good TV Show from Before it Jumped the Shark” channel (aka The Fanwank Network.)
•The Crazy Nazi Crap channel (About half of all programming would have “Luftwaffe” or “Occult” in the title.)
•The Shows I actually Liked But Got Cancelled Too Soon Network
•The Propaganda Movie Channel (“Coming up next, Reefer Madness, followed by Alexander Nevsky at 8, and Change of Habit at 11:30! (All times eastern/pacific)”)

45

What about making it so the commercials (if we MUST have em) are staggered so if you’re flipping between two channels (I’m looking at you, gonzomax) you won’t hit commercials on both channels (unless, of course, you hit the two channels that are synced together. Then in that case, you get Tivo.)

46

Not as different as you might think. OK, the teen melodramas, definitely different there.

BUT I’d definitely go with Brimstone, G vs. E, The Prisoner and Special Unit 2. Especially Special Unit 2. That was one funny, smart, sexy sf series. It would definitely be revived on my version of the SF channel.

And “that show with the living spaceship and the handyman” is Lexx, also a very funny, smart, sexy SF series. I’d revive it in an instant too, although I’d probably explore the “love slave” aspect of Zev’s personality more than the series did … and they went WAAAAY farther with it than I ever thought they would, especially in the “P4W” episode. Oh, and GOTTA have Xenia Seeburg back. Yowzah!

There are certain episode of the X Files, especially one in particular, that you DON’T wanna be watching with your parents – I forget its name, but I supsect any X-Files fan can fill it in in a trice, since it’s famously creepy about family relations.

47

I want a return to the Prime Time Comedy/Variety shows, like Flip Wilson, Sonny & Cher, or Carol Burnett.

That was good TV.

48

You know, I am mostly OK with TV. Sure, there are plenty of shows I don’t like, but I figure someone else does, so hey, why the hell not?

Two things I want stopped:

  1. “News teasers”- it’s OK to have “Tonite- a special report on drug use in out schools!” but any channel that has a teaser something like “It has been discovered that a combination of two OTC drugs will cause your testicles to explode. Tune in tonite @10 to find out which.”- will have the FTC take it’s license away on the spot, and the persons in charge of the news will be deported to a sub-saharan african nation. Oh, and the males will be force fed the two drugs.

2*. Judge Judy. * 'Nuff said. :mad:

I wouldn’t mind a little T&A, like in Europe. It does seem to be mostly attached to rather cheesy shows, so I wouldn’t want a lot of it. I’d allow a little swearing, too. Both would come with a special parental control that would bleep or pixilate out that stuff.

I’d bring “Dead Like Me” back. Please?

If a network has a new show, it has to give it a fair chance. No fair putting it on Thursday nite opposite both CSI and Greys. :rolleyes: No switching it around so much that no one can figure out when it’s on. No screening the shows out of order so we have no fucking idea of what the hell is going on.

Any “mystery show” must submit a list of all the answers, which will be sealed in a mayonaise jar (in memory of Johny Carson). If the show is canceled prior to the exposition of said answers, the jar will be unsealed and the mysteries revealed. Lost- you are hereby put on notice.

Classic Roadrunner, etc cartoons would be UN-edited back to as they were.

49

Since we can clearly customize TV series, I’d have X Files drop all the 'goverment conspiracy invovign the aliens, the black oil, the bees, etc." episodes and stick with the funny/monster episodes, which I thought were FAR superior to the conspiracy episodes.

50

I would watch the hell out of this channel. Brimstone? GvsE? The Prisoner? SU2? Hell yeah.

The one you can’t remember the title of is Lexx. That show ranged from brilliantly ridiculous to stupidly ridiculous (and occasionally Taking Itself Way Too Seriously, although that was pretty much just the first season).

If I was in charge of TV:

There’d be a lot more animation. Foreign (mostly Japanese) animations would be translated faithfully.

Hong Kong action flicks and bad Japanese sci-fi would be a lot easier to find.

Less insipid children’s programming!

Agreed with the people who said that specialty channels would be required to stick to their specialty - although the definitions wouldn’t be too terribly strict. The horror channel could show Saturday the 14th or the Evil Dead movies, as they’re horror-comedies, but it couldn’t show Die Hard (shoehorning that one in under ‘suspense’ is bending the definition way more than I’m happy with). The animation station could get away with Scooby Doo the movie, but not Burton’s Batman. On the other hand, an animation station would be less neccessary because all the other stations would have goodly amounts of animation.

If a specialty station further specialises, either the main channel will retain its original format and spawn at least two stations with the revised formats, or it will be allowed to change format, but will spawn at least one spinoff channel which will automatically be added to the same cable/satellite package at no extra cost.

It would be a fining offense to mar the broadcast of any program in any of the following ways:

Opaque or animated network bugs. (Transparent static ones, however would be allowed - as would ones that start opaque right after a commercial and fade to transparent over a span of no more than 3 seconds.)
Program promo bars that cover the picture of the program airing.
Program promo bars that ‘push’ against the program that’s airing, and deform the picture.
Shrinking the credits of a program to take up 1/2 or less of the screen and doing a speaking promo (or worse, non-program promo ad!). On the other hand, the credit sequence would be the one exception to the prior rule - as long as the picture is not covered and still takes up at least 4/5 of the screen, a silent promo bar for another program would be allowed during the closing credit sequence.

While it would be permissable to change a program’s timeslot, it will have to stay in the same timeslot for at least 4 weeks, and have the change prominently mentioned before, after and in the commercial breaks of the last two airings in the current timeslot.

The one exception to this rule: no joining programs already in progress. If a sports event*, live news report, or such thing runs long, the half hour will be filled out with filler - animated shorts! - and the program will start on the next half hour.

  • Although, actually there wouldn’t actually be sports on non-sports specialty channels, for just this reason. I don’t like sports and I hate how they preempt, or worse cause ‘we now join the program already in progress’ for shows I do watch. So, while I’d leave them their specialty channels for the benifit of other people, they are OFF the regular channels.

I’m not going to bother trying to list shows I would bring back/show reruns of/play more often, because the list would be too long.

51

Preach it, Brother!

52

The Short Season Channel. All the shows on this channel would have a 3-month season, which would consist of at least one continuous story arc of no fewer than 10 shows. Shows can be renewed, but they can’t have endless drags-on-and-on storylines that are never resolved (Lost, X-Files, etc). Programs would be made available on DVD after the run of the season.

The Unknowns Channel. Talented unknown actors, directors and writers would be tapped to produce new indie TV shows on this uncensored channel, because somebody out there has talent and Lord knows most of 'em ain’t on TV now. Shows will be chosen for this channel based on their quality.

Real Stuff. This channel consists of television shows (both fictional and in documentaries) of people in real jobs. No attempt will be made to make it into “reality TV.” This will be the no-cops-no-doctors-no-teachers channel.

The Home Shopping Channel will be used to fund commercial-free air time for all the other channels.

53

Great idea! If people want to watch commercials as if they were programming, let their viewing pay for everyone else’s!

54

Great idea! If people want to watch commercials as if they were programming, let their viewing pay for everyone else’s!

55

I would just want two new 24 hour channels added to the regular mix - the All-Piping Channel, and the World Curling Channel.

The All-Piping Channel would have piping, of course, but also interviews with great pipers, history clips, technique tips, and so on. The most recent Worlds competition would be available regularly, to study the technique and sound of some of the greatest bands. Regional competitions would also be featured regularly.

The big bonus would be the Piobaireachd hour, timed to be around sunset, when I’m in a nice contemplative mood… And no narrow, insular approach - the All-Piping channel wouldn’t be restricted to the Highland pipes, but to all the forms of pipes - plenty of room for uilleann pipes, border pipes, Northumberlands, gaitas, and so on.

The World Curling channel would have curling, curling, and more curling - mens, womens, mixed; youth and senior; World Cup, but also the qualifying national tournaments; classic matches from the past; plus technique and tips. Late night, maybe even experiment with true “skin” curling matches. :eek:

And of course, there would be the occasional cross-over shows between the two - pipers assisting in curling matches, curlers making guest appearences on the piping shows.

56

I’d watch the All-Piping Channel!

If they were programming for me, we’d have distinct channels for general programming and non-family-friendly programming. Stop filling newscasts and sitcoms with swearing and sexual innuendo. The “tee-hee, he said a bad word” crowd could have their own channels, and there’s no need for sexual innuendo if you have channels with real nudity and sex.

There’d want a real History channel, and several channels dedicated to science and nature. A quiz-show channel with Jeopardy and Millionaire-type shows. Lots of craft content (e.g., New Yankee Workshop). Two comedy channels (one for family-oriented comedy and one for dirty stuff). No “reality” shows. Lots of classic entertainment to watch during downtime (e.g., Home Improvement, MAS*H, Crocodile Hunter, Star Trek TOS & TNG, Buffy, Walker…).

News would have to change completely. First, it’s news-only channels that are independently-owned, so they don’t spend half the show pimping their other properties and providing free publicity for large companies with new products. Second, I don’t want unbiased news. There is no such thing. I want multiple-viewpoint news. I want Dan Rather and Bill O’Reilly back-to-back. I want conservative, liberal, green, and libertarian commentators on the major stories. Obvious nonsense is excepted–and since this is programming for my tastes, my definition of nonsense applies :wink:

Since the news shows won’t have product announcements, I want a tech review/comparison channel. Give us full-hour rundowns on the differences (and similarities) between various MP3 players, cellular phones, and the latest CPU chips. And for goodness sake, let’s have a tech network that isn’t all about video games, and a video game network that is.

57

One additional rule I’d institute for TV:

Any drama/comedy/sci-fi series that intends to show some character and plot progression from one episode to the next must have its story arc and ending fully mapped out before the series goes on the air. I’m tired of promising shows that use up their initial pool of ideas and then proceed to stagger forward on inertia, as well as shows that throw out new twists and interesting ideas but then abandon or contradict them because the creators are making it up as they go (Chris Carter, I’m looking at you). Once the show reaches its ending, it ends. If it’s still popular after going from Point A to Point B, the writers can come up with a new arc that goes from Point B and ends at Point C, and begin again.

Series lengths don’t need to be standardized; if you have a story that takes 50 episodes to tell, do it in 50 episodes. But you damn well better know exactly where the plot will go over those 50 episodes.

This is already how prime time dramas are set up in Japan (although they’re fixed at 13 episodes each), and I like the way it works.

58

Everything would be pay-per-view, and you’d have access to an enormous achive of all shows that ever aired, and you can watch anything you want at any time, commercial-free. The prices for individual shows would be very reasonable – let’s say a dollar per half-hour show – and you can check your bill any time through the television interface to make sure you aren’t racking up too many hours.

You could manage lists of shows you’ve already seen, shows you want to re-watch (always for free, of course), and shows you’d like to watch later. This would help you keep organized if (for instance) you want to catch up on older episodes of a show in chronological order.

There’d be lots of adult content for every kind of taste/orientation, which could be locked out with a password for concerned parents.

The news would have a definite political bias, and they would not try to hide it. There would be many news programs from many different perspectives – liberal, conservative, libertarian, centrist, athiest, socialist, Christian fundamentalist, Jewish, Muslim, etc. Nobody would claim to be objective, and the best way to get the real scoop would be to watch multiples sources and use your own brain to seperate the spin from the facts.

Definitely a “Blowing Stuff Up” show. With a huge budget. (This week… An old battleship filled with 50,000 live chickens!)

Futurama, Firefly, Angel, and Deadwood would be resurrected, along with a few other great shows that died too young.

All shows would be required to have (and use) the appropriate technical advisors. For instance, Battlestar Galactica would have a staff of full-time planetary scientists, Astrophysicists, Engineers, Biologists, and Sociologists to comb the scripts for bad science or logical inconsistancies. (“If you absolutely must use cylon-hybrid blood to cure cancer, here’s how it could be explained…”)

Everything would be offered in ultra-high resolution mega-widescreen 10.7 channel super-surround, or whatever, but it would work just fine with a cheap TV too.

It doesn’t matter if there’s religious crap, shopping channels, gardening shows, infomercials, telethons, golfing, fishing, or other borefests, because I don’t have to watch them. :slight_smile:

There would be more drama that focuses on long, multi-season story arcs, rather than shows that reset after each episode. This would be a natural progression from the pay-per-view system, since shows would no longer feel the need to be accessable to new viewers. Even new viewers could essentially start from the first episode and go at their own pace.

59

Actors would not be able to hold shows hostage. If an actor asks for too much money/leaves for a better opportunity/dies* then someone who looks and sounds a bit like them would be bought in instead of messing with the scripts to account for the absence of the character. This has obviously happened several times, but under DGBC it would happen a lot, and people would adjust.

*In the case of death there would obviously be a heartwarming message added, but hey the show must go on

60

**Firefly ** would now be in its fifth season.