Another eye story. Twice, I had to have cysts removed from my eyelid. These things were no ordinary stys. They were huge lumps. To numb the area, I had to have a needle in my eyelid. Worst pain I’ve ever felt. Then, while I’m awake of course, the doctor flips up the eyelid with some sort of nasty looking device. You can’t not look because he’s prying your eye open. He holds it open and scrapes the underside of my eyelid to get out the cyst. Not pleasant.
Apology, hell-you owe me a lobster dinner for this one.
I’ve been pretty lucky. The worst procedure I’ve ever been through was a barium enema.
I’ve also had a barium enema and a colonoscopy. I agree with FairyChatMom that the preparation for both were worse than the procedures. The barium enema had the additional bonus of the enema fluid coming out after the procedure was done. Yuck.
Phew, it took all I could muster to finish reading Controvert’s DIY appendectomy. If it’s true, that guy’s got some cajones.
My worst procedure was the cutting out of a chronic ingrown toenail on my left big toe. Doc pumped the sucker full of local anesthesia and then pulled out a pair of surgical scissors. He then shoved ths scissors under my nail and snipped it down to the cuticle. Then he just used tweezers to pull out the affected nail that he clipped out, bandaged the toe up, and I walked out.
I know it doesn’t sound like much compared to the rest, but it made me break out in a cold sweat at the time.
When I was young I had my appendix out. It got infected so I ended up in the emergency room. The doctor looked at me, said it was infected and would have to be drained. I asked him how that was done and he reached over, grabbed a scalpel, and harpooned me before I could yell. I would say about 1/2 a quart came out.
Had an infected toe nail. The doctor numbed it with a shot. Same question, how was he going to do it? He picked up a pair of plyers and just ripped it off.
Moral of the story, don’t ask.
post note: I don’t want to be a doctor.
I was born with a permanently stuffed up nose. My sinus cavity was so packed with extra tissue that I was a mouth breather my whole life up until I was about 12 or 13. I didn’t know I was strange in that regard until I was about 7 or 8. After a few years of seeing various doctors trying to bring down the tissue with drugs and such before it became apparent that surgury was the only thing that was going to fix me.
The surgury was done under general anesthesia, so that wasn’t a big problem. The surgury was all done through my nostrils. I have this image of a roto-rooter snake being stuffed up into my sinus cavity, I’m pretty sure that’s basically what the surgury entailed.
When I came out, I still couldn’t breathe, my nose was stuffed with gauze. The following day I was given a basin to hold beneath my head and the gauze was removed, or, should I say, ripped none too gracefully out of my nose. A common thread of these stories…the doctor didn’t tell me what to expect, or even that the gauze in my nose went “all the way up…”. The mother-of-all-nosebleeds came out along with the gauze. I screamed in terror, for which my doctor yelled at me for making things worse by raising my blood pressure.
You never know how big your sinus cavity is until you see how much gauze it can hold. It seemed to be a pile about as big as a fist.
And happily, I can now breathe through my nose just fine now, with a little extra help from an Allegra each morning.
Mine really wasn’t that disgusting compared to others here. I was quite concerned at the time, though.
Once while I was in the Navy, I had an intimate encounter with a cystoscope.
I watched as the doctor smeared some lubricant on a steel tube that was as thick as a pencil. You’re going to put that WHERE?!?
I watched in increasing horror as what appeared to be a foot of steel disappeared into the end of my Johnson. (obviously, it wasn’t all contained within the shaft)
To be honest, it didn’t hurt. It just looked scary. To top it off, they brought in a gaggle of corpsmen (both male and female) to observe.
Oh yes. Removal of ingrown toenails. Another vote for those. I know where you’re coming from, Soup_Nazi.
This is a great thread to read just before lunch. I’ve got nothing to compete with others who’ve already posted, but I can confirm that the most disgusting part of a colonoscopy is drinking the phos-pho soda and then spending a few helpless hours on the toilet as your intestines painfully purge themselves. By the end, what comes out most closely resembles urine, except there’s a lot more of it.
And I’d like to know if The Controvert has considered a career in fiction, or perhaps writing for the New York Times. 
Last month I had a hysterosalpingogram, which involved injecting an oily dye into my uterus and sloshing it around to see what it looked like. While painful, that it self wasn’t gross…it was three days of wearing a maxipad to catch the gross, black, oily dye coming out of my hoo ha.
Like fiddlesticks, I had to have a deviated septum straightened out and my sinus cavities cleaned out so I could breathe better. Unlike fiddlesticks, I was wide awake the whole time. REALLY wide awake – they gave me no sedative, and the local anesthetic they used was medical-grade cocaine. So I was lying there hopped up to my eyeballs watching the doctor take 8-inch-long metal implements and sinking them up into my nose. And then feeling the bones in my face crunching as he trimmed them away to enlarge the openings into my sinuses.
One good thing, though – it was the best aversion therapy money could buy, I have never EVER been temped to go near cocaine again!!!
The cocaine was probably the best part.
I got scoped top and bottom, but was knocked out for them so I can’t comment on the disgust factor. I’m taking their word for the fact that they at least wiped the thing off after pulling it out of my butt before they shoved it down my throat!
Not really disgusting, but kind of ouchy. A guy split my scalp open during a self defense demo. When I went to the ER, they asked if I wanted stitches or staples. I asked what they recommended, and they said staples. Never had staples before, but had stitches on several occasions. So I envisioned some modern, high-tech procedure.
Basically, they had the medical equivalent of a Pocket Pal. They had one nurse on either side pushing the sides of the gash together, while the doctor pounded in a series (8 or 9 or so) of staples. You know how you really have to bear down on the stapler to get the staple through a thick bunch of paper? That is what it felt like.
When he was on staple 6 or so, I innocently asked, "Wouldn’t it be possible to use some kind of painkiller while doing this?"
In his best bedside manner he said, "Oh, would you have liked some? I’m almost finished now."
He said I could go to my family doctor to have the staples removed, as they undoubtedly had a “staple remover.” Again, I was assuming some fancy piece of medical equipment.
You know that springy jaw-thingy you have on your desk? And you know how sometimes when you are pulling a staple out, one end gets stuck and you have to wiggle it around and yank it to get it out?
Cool! Another one who has had this done.
My left eye was done when I was five; my right eye was done when I was 14. My experience was similar to yours: no horrible discomfort, but I had a bloody eyeball for a month afterwards. No, it wasn’t bloodshot: it was bloody. I got a kick out of watching people’s reactions in stores and such when I looked at them.
No problems with color here, though. I guess the only complaint I have is that the procedure didn’t straighten up my eyes enough to give me depth perception. At least they don’t look obviously crossed.
Cryosurgery on my cervix, which disgusted me far more than either sinus surgery or having a toenail removed. It might not have been so bad if I’d been given good drugs, or like Dinsdale if some higher-tech instruments had been used.
Ye olde Pap smear turned up some questionable cells that might have eventually turned cancerous, doc assures me it’s a non-biggie and I just need to pop into the office for a biopsy. Logically, I understand the term biopsy means removing a tissue speciman for examination, I didn’t expect actual chunks of flesh to be gleefully snipped off such a tender area by Helga the Nazi nurse.
After enduring that, they decide it’s best to simply remove the troublesome cells with this charming cryosurgery stuff. I’m a bit taken aback by the word ‘surgery’ being involved, but the doc again reassures me that it’s absolutely not a big dealio.
'Kay, so they’ve gotten me in the de riguer paper gown, why that makes my cervix easier to get to I still don’t understand, I’m in the stirrups, I’m sliding down, and down some more (since we’re paying the bill, doncha think just once they could simply climb up?) then the doc raises the table so my stuff is comfortably face level for her. In go the duck lips and then they tell me not to be anxious or nervous, as if. Helga the Nazi nurse then hands the doc what looks like a miniaturized fuel pump nozzle connected to one of those tanks they have at Ronald McDonalds playlands to blow up the kiddie balloons. The nozzle goes in, no lubrication or even a promise to call me in the morning, and she flips the switch to start the nitrous aflowing. It’s a cold burning sensation, but I’m comforted to hear that it’s supposed to feel that way. After a moment or two, doc attempts to remove the fuel pump to see if I’m suffienciently iced up. Know what happens when you lick a frozen flagpole? Gee, metal nozzle + icemaking chemicals + naturally moist environment means the fuel pump is now fused to my cervix. After the initial tug almost pulls my parts inside out, a hasty conference occurs between the doc and Helga. I’m frantically pointing out that there’s a sink in the corner just full of helpfully warm water, but Helga says that’d be counterproductive. Sure, the water would release the nozzle frozen to me, but it’d also melt the ice and we just can’t have that! Helga then summons another nurse, they then lay across my midsection to keep me on the bloody table while the doctor grasps the nozzle with both hands, plants her feet and pulls for all she’s worth. Nozzle, ice and half my cervix finally come free, but on the plus side, they got all the questionable cells and then some!
Five years later, me and what’s left of my cervix are still cancer-free, and being cared for by a different OB/GYN. :rolleyes:
Hey, thanks! Maybe I’ll submit it to Teemings
During the Super Bowl when the Giants beat the Bill,I ate 2 pounds of in the shell peanuts. The next morning I attempted my daily constitutional but because the the peanuts, the log was the consistancy of a broom stick. At one point I was crying in pain, my poor bottom was getting stretched to it’s limits and it was to stiff to pinch off. When I finally finished I was in a great deal of pain and noticed the toilet was full of blood. I have had hemmoroids for quite a while and had bleeders before so I thought nothing of it. Except usually the blood stops after a few wipes, this time it didn’t. Half an hour later I was still bleeding and called for my wife who was still in bed. She came in the bathroom, I told her my story, she handed me a tampon and went back to bed.
A few hours later the bleeding slowed but I was still in pain. An attempt to apply Preperation H just made the pain worse. My wife called my doctor and he said I should go to an emergency room, bleeding from the rectum is not normal. We went to the hospital and when I told the nurse my problem, I was sent to an exam room and told to drop my drawers. A doctor came in and I told him my problem and he tried to stick a finger in me. Dry. He decided the exam room did not have the proper equipment and I was taken to an operating room. Without the benefit of a pain killer, a 4 finger tool was inserted into my bottom and I was ratcheted open. The doctor asked me if I was gay or did I like sticking things in me. Of course I said no and told him the story again. I had a 2 inch fissure of the anal cavity and the doc used 7 stitches to close it. And the whole time I was never given anything for the pain. Before I left the hospital the doctor gave me some latex gloves and told me to go home and fill the finger with water and freeze the gloves. He said if the pain gets too bad, pop out a frozen finger, slide it it and sit on the commode till it melts. I must admit that is some of the best advice a doctor has ever given me.
And no, I did not use the tampon.
An no, I did not use the tampon.
That’s a classic Straight Dope line if I’ve ever heard one!