Best Laid Plans with Reese Witherspoon and Tart with Dominque Swain were pretty bad. I don’t think they’re the worst, but they’re up there.
trainspotting
come off contrived
A clown being anally raped by hillbillies?
What’s not to like? 
The worst:
Alien Warrior
This movie is SO bad I don’t think an MST3K appearance could save it. How shall I describe this…
Movie opens with old man wearing aluminum foil and about a meter of cottonballs glued to his chin. He is surrounded by weak fog effects from a dissolving cube of dry ice on the ground. He tells his son that before he can rule the planet he must go down to Earth and battle “Great Evil”.
So he goes. And when he gets there, he meets a pimp standing next his pimpmobile. The next lines of dialouge say it all:
ALIEN WARRIOR: “Are you Great Evil?”
PIMP DADDY: “I’m the greatest, baby.”
And so super alien warrior proceeds to battle [and almost lose to] Earth pimp to prove his worthiness to ascend to mastery of the dry ice kingdom.
Years later, and my brain still hasn’t recovered.
Runner up:
Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter
So much potential, so little execution. About the only thing the 2003 movie gets right is duplicating the look of a low-low-low budget 70’s film.
It had some funny bits, like when Jesus teams up with a masked wrestler to take on the skin-collecting mad scientist, but it really drops the ball in terms of living up to the premise of “the son of god fights evil in Toronto”
I’ll defend Schizopolis. I found it very funny and well done. “Generic greeting. Half-hearted inquiry about the quality of your day…”
I’m a big booster of ultra-low budget digital movie production. I write a column about the local scene for a local arts magazine, and I’ve had good things to say about some movies that by most people’s standards would be pretty heinous. But if a movie’s got a heart and it’s obvious that the whole cast and crew really threw themselves into a production, I’ll give them a little column space, some constructive criticism, and urge them to keep on trying.
There is one exception.
I have blocked the filmmaker’s name from my mind, but his two movies are burned into my memory. At a film festival in 2001, I was subjected to a movie called No Roses. It was about a college student who “wants to write,” and is, according to the movie, a gifted poet. I say “according to the movie,” because when you actually hear him read his “poetry,” it sucks big time. Like Vogon sucks. So the hero mopes around for over two hours, even though he has two fairly attractive women fighting over him. He drinks to excess, smokes like a chimney, and takes drugs like there’s no tomorrow. All he wants to do is become a well-known poet, but he refuses to submit any of his poetry for publication because all of the poetry journals are “phony”. This plot worked exactly once in a little book called Catcher in the Rye, and that’s only because the writer was J.D. Salinger. Finally, the main character gets butt-assed drunk, steals a car, drives around wrecklessly until he is pulled over, jumps out of the car, brandishes a gun, and is shot dead. Of course, the gun was empty, meaning this was a “sucide by cop”, which is, IMHO, the most cowardly form of suicide imaginable.* And I’m supposed to sympathize with this character! It might have been a tad easier if I had not spent my college carreer reading “Bob”-knows-how-many writing workshop stories with exactly the same plot and characters. And the weirdest part is, the movie actually looked pretty good (compared to most other movies in its class), didn’t have any sound issues, and was acted fairly competently. It was the totally crappy screenplay and utter tone deafness of the director that made this corn-filled pile of crap much less endurable than the Christian Kung Fu epic called Tales of the Mystic Medallion 2 that I was also forced to sit through that year.
When I watched No Roses, it was in a small theater on Beale Street in the midst of a film festival. I knew I didn’t like it, and I knew that there were three other movies going on at the same time that I was curious about, but I didn’t walk out because the “director” and his mother were sitting right next to the door and I just didn’t have the heart to walk out on him. As a result, I missed the movie that ultimately won the festival’s Best Local Movie award.
Well, at the 2002 festival, I was charged with watching all of the locally produced movies in order to write my column. I’m sitting in the theater watching a movie called Friday’s Menu, and it’s awful. The setup sounds good on paper–a slice-of-life piece about a bunch of working class high school kids cruising around on a Friday night talking about their lives. Kind of like Clerks meets American Graffitti in the South. But the execution is HORRIBLE! Once again, it’s shot well, but the dialoge and plot are absolutely awful. Looking around the theater, who do I see but the director of No Roses! It’s his latest movie! And he’s sitting right next to the door again.
I immediately got up and walked out.
*Suicide is not cool, of course, but if you’ve decided to kill yourself, don’t make somebody else do it for you. Especially if that someone else is a cop. Now, I’ve got plenty of issues with cops, but your average cop on the street is a hard working underpaid public servant who has enough freaking problems without having to deal with your punk ass and having to carry the guilt of killing someone around for the rest of his life because you don’t have the guts to punch your own ticket!
Let’s Get Lost, a bio-documentary of jazz musician Chet Baker. His story is interesting, and it stars the artist himself, but this clunker was filmed badly and self-indulgently.
Christina’s House Wow was that terrible. And gory. And pointless. I guess this is an argument for not renting movies solely because you like actors in them…
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again… Druids, starring Christoper Lambert, is positively the worst movie I’ve ever seen. I tried to watch it, honestly… but I simply could not bear it. Muddled, without direction, without point, a complete waste of celluloid. I’m glad nobody else ever mentions it in these threads, as that means I’m the only one who’s seen this piece of trash.
Now are we talking BAD “B” movies that you like?
I cannot belive that nobody has mentioned any Ed Wood movies. Glen or Glenda being the worst.
But Ed Wood is almost mainstre
Excuse me. I own a copy of this movie ! What can I say I like bad movies and yes I watched it.
Dang fingers. Every time I drink a beer, another finger goes outta comission and presses something it’s not supposed to… but I digress…
As I was saying Ed Wood is almost mainstream in his popularity.
My vote goes for Forbidden Zone by The Mystic Knights of the Oingo Boingo. Yes, Danny Elfman et al. prior to becoming Oingo Boingo and then going on to movie score fame (AND the Simpson’s theme).
It stars Richard Elman and the crew of Oingo Boingo. Herve Villachez (Tattoo from Fantasy Island) stars as the king of the underworld. It was filmed in 1980 in B&W. The sets are mostly paper, created by either Danny or Richard’s wife. It features such songs as “The Yiddish Charleston” and “Love Theme - Squeezit and the Chickens.”
Totally awful. Actually had a friend kick me out of his house and told me to never come back if I had that movie with me.
I second that
The kid eating spaghetti in the bathtub filled with filthy water makes me sick to my stomach.
Manos: The Hands of Fate.
Accept no substitutes…well, on second thought, a substitute would probably be better.
The only movie I’ve ever walked out on was Stalker. Nothing happened for around 90 minutes except a train going across the horizon. That’s when I gave up.
Well, Ed Wood movies tend to be “Bad, but funny”. There are some movies that aren’t even funny.
HPL -you’re right about Ed Wood movies. Forbidden Zone might fall into that category, too.
Probably the worst one I’ve seen lately was Dungeons and Dragons (2001). I got about 10 minutes into that movie and then had to turn it off. Luckily, I didn’t buy it.
Wow, detop… you’re the first I’ve met who has seen Druids other than myself, much less owns a copy.
You have my respect for your fortitude, sir. 
It’s not that bad a movie. The only movie I strongly advise against is Freddy Got Fingered. I’ve seen lots of movie with disturbing scenes (including I Spit On Your Grave), but this one takes the cake. Tom Green is a sick. sick man and whoever gave him the go ahead for this movie should be hung by his balls until death.
Forbidden Zone! I actually saw part of that, and thought the whole thing couldn’t possibly be that bad. Guess it was. (and I speak here as someone who used to carry a passionate love torch for Danny Elfman).
An unforgettable double sci-fi feature: **The Sins of the Fleshapoids [\b]and its sequel, The Ascension of the Demonoids.