I have never ever lied to any of my significant others, in fact any girl I was interested in. Nope, not even to get her in bed. I am very proud of that fact and I will continue to do so for the rest of my life. I want my wife to know that she can trust me. I know the LWL is practically essential in many cases, but if she asks if her butt looks big in the dress, she is obviously concerned enough about it to ask me, the guy she trusts. She married me for pete’s sake. Or she is thinking about it. I won’t be able to live with myself for letting her go around with people thinking she has a big butt, especially if she is worried about it. What kind of a jackass lets his wife run around in a dress that makes her butt look big! Shame on you! Now I’m not going to say, “yeah honey, your butt looks fat.” I’ll be more tactful than that. And frankly, I probably won’t think her butt looks fat. And if that is so, then the dress is at fault. She needs to try on another dress.
I really believe that the man and woman should share the kind of trust, honesty and closeness that makes the truth better than LWLs. She MUST trust me enough to know that I do not judge her. She must feel comfortable with me enough to know that I love her and no matter how big her butt gets, I’ll still love her. LWLs might spare some hurt feelings. But our relationship will be stronger with the truth in the end.
You may think me nieve, but I have yet to get burned at all for speaking the truth in a relationship. She has always understood, from the start, that I won’t lie to her. And I do my best to make sure that the question doesn’t come up. A qualified “you look beautiful” before the question “does this dress make me look fat” keeps the question from being asked. And saying she’s beautiful won’t be a lie either. You can always find something beautiful about your SO. That’s easy. Likewise you can always find something to say bad about some other attractive girl. “She has a mustache! She looks like a real bitch. Boy she should NOT be wearing THAT!” See? All truth. If you feel that you can’t quite tell her the absolute truth, answer a different question. “Do I think she’s beautiful? Are you kidding me? Her nose is honking big!” Or “She’s wearing too much makeup.” I know this is slightly deceitful, not answering the question your SO asked. I personally haven’t stooped to this strategy before. I find it’s best to be straightforward. If your relationship is close enough, it won’t matter.
Anyway, this is just me. If your SO wants you to lie to him/her (and I know a lot of people DO want LWLs for compliments) then go right ahead. I just hope my wife understands that I won’t do it. Sure I’ll compliment her. But they will be the truth.
A-ha! I just knew that examples were the way to go.
Categorically, this is not a LWL. Here’s the test.
If you get caught out in a LWL then your position is no worse than if you’d never told the lie, in fact, it might even be better.
Whereas, if you get caught out in your non-LWL, you Sir, are in deep doodah.
Not that I don’t sympathise with your position. I’ve previously had a major relationship where my SO was the classical green-eyed jealous type, and I tolerated it and told the lies that you are telling. I so wish I’d had the guts to tell her to get real or get out of here.
totally against it.
tell the truth and take the time to explain. If your SO really is your SO, she/he will understand…
Lies fester, even really small ones, plus you have to keep track of them.
My experience is that people lie because they think it makes life easyer.
It doesn’t. It actually makes it more complicated than it already is…
This is great advice by The Great Unwashed, much more clear than I managed to be. Probably all of us who accept the theoretical need for an occasional LWL should tape this quote to our refrigerators and memorize it.
If you were perfectly honest in every situation in your life, you’d hurt a lot of feelings. If every time I see an attractive guy I tell my boyfriend how hot he is, he may get irritated after awhile and tell me to shut up. Likewise, I don’t want to hear certain things either (boy, she’s hot… or… you’ve put on some weight). I’d rather those things were left unsaid, as it causes unnecessary stress. Although, bigger lies can hurt (i.e. when I started dating my boyfriend, he said he had never been married and had a college degree… both of which were untrue, and I found out through a 3rd party… in which case I confronted him and had to pry the truth out). SO, even though I still love him I’ve noticed I tend to question many things he says now, which can make me very paranoid at times…
Keeping your big mouth shut is not a lie. Don’t advertize that you find a guy or a girl hot. But if my girl asks if I think some girl is hot, I’ll (have to) tell the truth and say, “yes, she’s hot, but she’s not you. I love you and I don’t want to be with her. I want to be with you because we were made for each other.” You know… sappy crap like that.
I love sappy crap.
LWL are more or less bad news IMO. There are times when telling a lie is appropriate, whether they are “white” lies or not. I think this should be clear to everyone whether they are in a relationship or not. Given the nature of what I consider to be a “good” relationship (i.e. - one I’d want to be in), I find myself unable to give an example of a so-called white lie I’d tell to my SO without going to somewhat extreme ends to create a hypothetical situation.
I should have serious issues with honesty, and my last girlfriend of 3 1/2 years screwed me over totally with her trail of lies. But I still think that there are certain things not worth telling the truth about. I’m sorry, but for me, I’ve discovered that sometimes telling the truth was not so much about honesty as it was selfishness. I know this may sound odd, but I’ve used honesty as a way to both keep the moral high ground and to relieve my sense of guilt. I don’t really find that any more ethically appealing than simply flat-out lying. And sometimes I find lying far more humane and humanistic. I am not about to tell my SO that she has a flabby ass and orange-peel skin and droopy breasts even if that is the truth, because those are not things a generally give a damn about, and the only reason I would say those things is to be hurtful.
Yes, I do understand some people can say such things without hurtful intentions. Of course. And some people can take such things being said about them. Fine. But in my snug corner of the world this exchange leads to bloodshed. OK, I’ve dated some people who could handle this, but I just don’t see what can be gained by telling the truth in these kinds of situations.
I have found that the LWL tends to eventually give way to the Big Stupid Lie. Because you start to think you can get away with lying. So you start telling regular-type lies. Then you get caught. And you fight. Which is bad.
In my experience, total honesty is the best way to go in a relationship.
On the “Does my butt look big…” tack- I often ask d_redguy that very question. He finally got tired of saying “No.” and now says “Yes, HUGE.” But I know he is kidding. And when I ask, I really want to know. On the occasions when I have asked if I looked good in something and he replied “Well…”, I was genuinely glad for the input, even though I may have been a little hurt at first.
Really, the LWL is pointless. Excepting Grandma. In that case, lie away.
A LWL is told to spare someone else’s feelings. (“The pot roast is delicious!”) A regular lie is told to spare YOURSELF the fall-out caused by telling the truth. (“I only paid $50 for this outfit!” or “I went out with the guys last night.”)
My SIL is guilty of the first example (“I only paid $50 for this outfit!”). She lies ALL THE TIME about it. And she does it because she knows her husband will blow a head gasket if he knew the truth. I keep telling her that it ISN’T a little white lie to exaggerate about the cost because it’s self serving. She’s not lying to spare him pain, she’s lying to spare HERSELF the pain of his reaction. And, of course, it ALWAYS comes back to haunt her because she has yet to convince Visa to play its part in the charade. Her “little white lies” have caused major problems in their relationship. Because now he doesn’t trust her now, for good reason.
The latter example (“I was out with the guys last night (instead of my platonic friend of the opposite sex).”) is another example of a NON-LWL because you are doing it to spare YOURSELF pain of her (albeit irrational) reaction. If she truly is irrationally jealous, even about your platonic friends, then she has a SERIOUS character flaw. Lying to her in order to avoid her wrath is: 1) reinforcing her misguided notion that you are untrustworthy; and 2) merely delaying the inevitable show-down: them or her. Because unless she miraculously fixes her character flaw, it’s going to come down to that eventually. And personally I’d rather be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t force me, or even want me, to have to choose between my friends and them.
