I find that sometimes little white lies avoid the creation of huge issues and stress over absolutely nothing. Of course, my girlfriend disagrees. Anyone care to share their opinion?
No lies. Otherwise, if your SO discovers your ‘little’ lie, it’s going to put everything you say in doubt. You want that?
The white-ist of lies tends to gain color quickly when discovered.
No s/o benefits when trust begins to be questioned.
Perhaps you might want to clarify exactly what types of lies you are talking about. I mean, there MAY not be any reason to tell your s/o about your every sexual fantasy. Or if he/she really likes something they just bought and it doesn’t excite you one way or another, it doesn’t hurt to appear to share their excitement.
When you say “Of course, my girlfriend disagrees” that makes me think that your LWL have come up as a stressful issue between you and your SO, thus defeating their object as you espouse it (pun intended).
But what’s a LWL in your opinion. We need examples.
Funny you should ask.Here’s some advice I just gave someone who’s about to be married. I’m of the opinion that some white lies are good for everyone concerned. Your answers to these questions, for example, are critical:
“Honey, do these pants make me look fat?”
“Do you think she’s attractive?”
“How do you like my haircut?”
I think it really does depend on your definition of a LWL.
IMO, some LWL’s are near indispensable. Like: “No honey, your ass doesn’t look fat in those jeans.” Or: “Of course I don’t think your mother is psychotic!”
Something of that nature which is only said to spare your SO pain is a fair conflict-avoidance technique, IMO. No it’s not 100% honest but we’re living in reality here. No one can fight exhausting emotional battles over little things daily and still have energy to deal with the important stuff.
When I’m feeling insecure, for instance, my old man might tell me, with a straight face, that I don’t look at day over 20. We both know he’s lying but I take it in the loving way in which it’s meant. I see past the “deception” to the underlying message of support that he’s offering.
Ok, here’s an example:
I have a female friend whom i have known for a very long time. She lives out of state so I rarely see her. My girlfriend is a jealous type so when she asks me if my friend is romantically interested in me, I tell her absolutely not. This way, she allows me to continue my friendship without any pressure or stress and she is no worse for the wear, right?
I don’t get it Morrison…
If your female friend IS interested in you, well that isn’t a LWL in my opinion. That is a regular lie.
If your friend ISN’T interested then it isn’t a lie at all…
LWLs are (as others have mentioned) about sparing feelings, or not ruining birthday presents.
I have, on occasion, fibbed a bit about the price of an item purchased…five bucks or so…but its still a lie, albeit white IMO.
I have a similar situation, where a really good, long time friend of the opposite sex lives about 6 hours away. When he and I first met, about 7 years ago, we tried dating, and it didn’t work. Well, we stayed friends, and he became really close to my daughter before he moved away. My husband knows that years ago this man and myself dated, and even though I have no romantic feelings for him, I’m not sure about my friend. My husband is a little bit jealous of him, of our long friendship, but I feel that things are better since I was really up front about our history, and my hubby and I were able to deal with it.
that’s just my advice for Morrison. As for the OP, I think that LWL’s are ok, as long as they stay Little and White
I dunno. I think my example is about sparing feelings. Here’s another one:
S/O: So-and-so doesn’t like me.
Me: Yes they do. Really.
Well, except for the fact that your girlfriend knows damn well that there is no way you could possibly know if your out of state friend is romantically interested in you. So asserting that she absolutely is not is clearly not possible.
You could assert that you absolutely don’t think she is. Or even if she was, you wouldn’t be interested in her.
And on this particular topic, especially if she is “a jealous type”, this isn’t subject to LWL, but requires absolute honesty.
From a woman’s point of view, I completely agree with Dinsdale .
There are some - and I mean SOME - situations where I feel it’s ok, such as avoiding hurting someone unnecessarily. It depends on the subject, topic, etc.
Agree entirely with Jorel’s assessment of your 1st example.
Moreover, it is not unusual for s/o’s to be - uh - unreasonably threatened by their other’s relationships with members of the opposite sex (someone parse that for gay folk). And you may have to make a decision how you deal with it. Is a social lunching realtionship this this other woman important enough to you that you want it to have repercussions in your main relationship?
I would see more in the LWL category - say you have a female cow-orker, friends with no romantic feelings. You want to go for lunch, but you know youe s/o is irrationally jealous of such things. Do you go and just not tell your s/o? Tell her you went and others were there? Or respect her wishes and forego lunching with other women? Tougher call IMO.
Re: the 2d - what knowledge do you have concerning whether so-and-so likes her, and why are you answering as you do? If you don’t know, say so, and ask if she wants to discuss why she feels as she does. If you know so-and-so does not like her, why would you want to say otherwise to her? Runs the risk of getting your girlfriend pissed at you for lying about so-and-so, instead of being pissed at so-and-so for not liking her in the first place. Why chance that?
A relationship where I have to make sure I say certain things about certain things is too high-maintenance for me. I have two modes; truth and keeping my mouth shut. Of course, the LOML is not the jealous type, and neither am I.
I once had an insanely jealous boyfriend. One night, two girlfriends and I drove these two guys back to their dorm after a party on a very cold night (they’d have had to take a bus). They told us, on the way there, that from their window they could see the lights from the highway, and that the lights formed the shape of a swan. We didn’t believe them, so we went up and looked, then left.
I didn’t tell my boyfriend about this b/c he would flip out, even though I did NOTHING wrong. Anyway, he found out (one of my girlfriends innoncently mentioned it). Then it turned into a big old fight in which I was called a liar. Which I was, and which I didn’t want to be ever again.
That relationship didn’t work. Anyone who gets that angry or jealous over totally innocent situations is not worth it, IMO. Lying isn’t a good idea in a situation like this. If you’re having lunch with another woman and it’s platonic, you should be able to admit to it and not get shit for it.
I’m with the people who support the occasional use of the LWL to spare someone’s feelings, or to gloss over something that really isn’t that important to begin with. As an example, I quite firmly don’t care for his grandmother’s cooking, and fortunately only have to eat it about once a year. I can live with not airing my views on this. So that’s a lie of omission right there. When Mr. Del says “I can’t wait to have meatloaf over at grandma’s house, how about you?” that’s when I lie. I would prefer not to say anything at all, but if it’s unavoidable, I agree that I’m looking forward to the meatloaf. And in a sense, it’s true that I’m looking forward to doing something that makes him happy – spending quality time over some freakishly creepy meatloaf with his family. But mostly it’s a lie, and I don’t feel badly about it.
Obviously, it’s hard to tell a lot about a situation based on a quickie andecote that someone posted on the message board, but my gut reaction to the examples you gave is that they might not be so White.
First, it’s fairly easy that the truth could come out in other ways – someone else could report to her that your friend is in fact interested in you, or that the third party really doesn’t like her at all, and then you’d have some fallout. The trick of the LWL about “No, I think that dress makes your butt look really cute and tiny” is that for all anyone else knows, you DO think her butt looks tiny.
Second, they seem to be larger issues for her – if she’s the jealous type, are you going to be lying about every other woman you know? This is pretty santimonious from someone who just admitted to lying about a sweet little old lady’s meatloaf, but I think we’re out of LWL territory if the lie is a means of avoiding a serious issue or seems to be the beginning of a slippery slope of lies.
If they make her look fat, I tell her. She doesn’t ask unless she wants to know.
“Damn, baby! Look at that RACK!” - This is her talking to me, by the way.
Likewise with the haircut. She is not fragile, does not play games, and hates mind-screwing trick questions as much as I do.
We are happy, and we know it.
Clap your hands.
YES! That is what I meant to say.
Oh, and one more thought - when considering LWL’s, also consider what your motivation is in telling them. Is it truly to save her feelings about a small non-issue, or is there actually another motive there? Not telling someone something innocuous because you don’t think they can handle the truth isn’t a very good for lying, in my opinion.
Ah, crap, “isn’t a very good reason for lying”
Okay, how many people who have said LWL’s are never acceptable also admitted to faking orgasms in that other thread?