Hello all I am new this is my first message but hopefully not so awful as to be my last. I have had a disagreement with my other half. I feel that when you love someone you should speak honestly and openly and if something is bothering you holding it in is the worst possible solution. I think he feels that if he tells me what is bothering him he will lose me which I have told him time and again will not happen. I tell him everything even things I know he will be upset about. Which do you think is better? Help!
By the way Mr Robinson will also be on the message board.
In the immortal words of all sages, scholars, and gurus: it depends.
I think telling your SO every single stinking little piddly thing about them that bothers you is a sure way to send them screaming into the night (or justify their murder of you).
I think that hiding basic worries (about money, kids, health, job, etc.) is a good way to guarantee misunderstandings (and possibly build up distrust).
On the other hand, an ancient secret from the past that suddenly arrives, unannounced, has a way of disconcerting people. A person may need to reconcile their own feelings before they share it with anyone else–even a spouse/SO/life-partner/soul-mate.
Extreme examples of the last: a guy who discovers he fathered a child among his wild oats; a woman whose child–born and given up for adoption during the woman’s teens–calls up to say hello; a case of chlamydia or one of the other sometimes-missed STDs is discovered during a checkup after a long period of faithfulness.
For every person, the types of concerns that would fall into the last “extreme” case differ.
As long as this is a hypothetical “what-about,” a lot of people can offer advice. To address actual people in real situations requires a bit more than an anonymous post on an MB. (I’m not suggesting you not ask the question, only that you not trust the answers.)
Tom~
Nothing screws up a relationship more than dishonesty. Where’s there lack of trust, there is nothing and it takes a long time to build up a trust that is lost.
A true friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out…there are Angels among us
Truth. Truth. Truth. Truth.
All the truth, all the time. As someone else said, not desirable to speak of every teeny-tiny-meaningless-something-less-than-perfect item that might flit across your mind, but basically honesty is the only policy worth having.
I believe in honesty. I have not always believed this way, and that is why I am in my second marriage. This one is much better.
You don’t have to tell him if he’s gaining weight, or losing his hair, or that sort of stuff. Sure, he look fabulous in those black socks & sandals 
But don’t hide the important stuff. Talk about the money. Talk about how you feel. Talk about the sex. And keep talking. Communication is so vital.
So talk, and tell the truth when you do. Your relationship stands a better chance of surviving if you talk.
Honesty is definitely worth the effort, always.
Dishonesty creates an illusion. This illusion must be supported and this will take time and effort on your part. This is time and effort that could have been spent on building an honest and truthful relationship. Furthermore, no illusion can escape shattering eventually, and where will that leave you then?
Plus, dishonesty has profound effects on yourself. Either you will become deluded, believing the lies yourself, or you will be ashamed of the person you have become. Either way this weight will drag you down and affect your relationship as above.
Now, reading this it is obvious that I am talking about dishonesty about major things. Is it okay to tell “little white lies”? No, because lying, like all things, because habit. And habits will (critcal word … will) snowball. There is no stopping it, there is no it might snowball. It will. Lying, because it is often easier than the truth, because more and more tempting for more and more important things. Finally, consider that even minor lies can affect the level of trust a person feels for you.
No sane person expects perfection. People will lie. Even significant others. But the goal should be to keep it to a minimum and certainly never to knowingly and conciously (sp) lie.
This is all my opinion. I hope it helps you with you dilemma.
“Glitch … Window, large icons.” - Bob the Guardian
It’s already been said, “It depends.”
Is honesty always the best policy?
That answer is a resounding “NO.”
It depends.
As a rule of thumb, the question to ask is “Will being honest have any benefits in this case?”
Here’s a case in point:
If someone has a child who is, ahem, “not one of the more attractive” children in his/her class, it does no one any benefit by telling that child’s parents “Your child is ugly.”
It’s honest, but it’s not right.
I think Mjollnir made the point already but “speaking the truth” is not always the same thing as being honest. I’m not talking about omitting facts, necessarily, but speaking only the truth and yet leaving a false impression.
If my wife tells me, “You look great, Honey! I hardly notice the gray hair and a big gut is very becoming on some men!” she is not speaking the absolute truth but she is being honest. She’s telling me she loves me and isn’t too concerned about my looks and that’s the important part of the message. If she says, “Well, you could stand to lose a few pounds and your hair is a lot more gray than black.” she is being more truthful but, in some ways, less honest (I hope!).
Some people go around saying anything they want to, very hurtful things usually, that happen to be true. Are they being honest? No, they’re just being mean, and perverting a good idea (being truthful) to achieve their petty ends.
So while I wholeheartedly agree that people should be honest with each other, honesty, like any other correct principle, can be twisted to serve unholy purposes. If you find yourself wanting to share something with someone that’s going to hurt them, you should examine your motives carefully. Doing it just to be “honest” is, IMHO, insufficient.
I thought of a clever new sig line last night, but I forgot it when I woke up this morning.
I believe in honesty to a certain extent. For example, I wouldn’t tell my husband that I’d cheated on him before we married. (I didn’t BTW). I married him because I love him and whatever I did or he did before we married is in the past. Bringing up things to clear one’s conscience can only hurt the other person.
Things that affect our lives now are important like finances, our marriage, whatever, should be talked about. I’m not saying telling him every single thing I did that day but sharing with him the things that we need to talk about.
“Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.”
I say trust your husband’s judgment. If whatever he’s holding back might truly cause him to lose you, then let him keep it to himself.
This applies to a one-time mistake – not something that’s still going on.
If you decide to discuss a topic…then honesty is the best policy and the only one. I agree that lies tend to snowball…and they do always come out…sooner or later. Many people will avoid a topic simply because they don’t feel that they can discuss it honestly. Not wanting to hurt someone’s feelings intentionally does not constitute feeling that someone is being dishonest…avoiding a topic and lying about it are two totally different things. I would rather have my feelings hurt and know the truth than to live a happy lie.
Of course, this isn’t about honesty case in point is about rudeness. Honesty does not equate to being rude. I assume that for this “case in point” that the person in question was actually asked a question and is providing their opinion simply for the fun of it. So, lets assume that the parents come to this person and ask: “Do you think my child is beautiful?”. Well, I don’t know about you, but my honest answer to that question would be “I don’t think that is a very fair question, and I would rather not answer it”. This is not lying, that is an honest portrayal of my feelings because on top of being honest I try not to be hurtful.
Now, imagine another but similar situation. A person asks you if they think their child should be in the local beauty pagent. Now, ignoring for the moment the issue of beauty pagents in general, how would you answer? If you decide to lie all you are really doing is passing the buck for somebody else to do the right thing and keep that child from potentially being royally embaressed and mocked, assuming that you think that might happen. Of course, it is also possible that although the child will not win the pagent, they still could have fun.
Assuming I thought the kid would be humiliated I would answer “No, to be honest, beauty pagents have a particular view of what beauty is, and I don’t think your child has that. I am concerned that your child would be made fun of by other children there.”
Assuming I thought it would just be fun my answer would be “Yes, go for it!”.
My case in point,
There was a karate school in the town I used to live in. He loved promoting the kids through the ranks whether they earned the new rank or not. He felt that it provide them with self-esteem. Sadly, it was false esteem built on a lie. Well, one kid never went to any tournaments until he was a black belt. He was very proud of his black belt and talked to alot of people about just how proud of it he was, including me. He was beaten in his first round in less than 5 seconds. He was absolutely terrible. He left the floor in tears. He quit karate and who knows what happened to him after that, but all of his self-esteem, that which was honestly built and that built on the lie evaporated because of the illusion.
pluto said:
This is exactly true, but keep in mind that this is, again, not a problem with honesty but with other morals. Such a person isn’t too honest, they are assholes who like to hurt people. Big difference, IMO.
One final thought:
I can say with absolute certainty that my wife will not knowingly lie. I can trust that what she says is the truth of her views and feelings. I trust that she will not use our desire for truth as a means to harm me. This is a very powerful part of our marriage, and I hope you can see why it is of such great value.
I swear to god, I read the OP and thought it was my fiancé.
I have a slightly different view than has been presented so far. Personally, I think wish that people would be more honest about “little” things like “how do I look?” and “does this dress make me look fat?” I can’t understand why anyone would lie about something like that to “spare my feelings.” Yeah, like I feel a lot better when people are staring at me and I hear someone whisper that my clothes don’t match.
However, about some things, I don’t think it is always wise to blurt out whatever you are thinking. A certain person that doesn’t want me talking about him on this board gets mad that I always wait a few days and then e-mail him if I have a problem. Well, the fact is, I spend that time trying to figure out what the problem is. By the time I figure out what’s bothering me, I’ve gone home and can only reach him via email. Would he prefer that I just yell at him on the spot for everything he does that pisses me off and then later realize that I was just PMSing?
Cessandra
It’s frightening how many crazies think that world is going to end in a few days. All of us smart people know that it’s not ending until next year.
I was going to start a new thread about this but this one is very similar to the question I was going to ask sooo…I have a friend that for years dated women, lots of women. When he graduated from college he started an affair with a man. Nobody had ever suspected he might be gay. This relationship lasted over a year, so I would say it was more than just experimetal sex. When the reltionship ended he started dating a woman with a small child and they evetually married. He never told her about his relationship with the man and says he never will. What do you guys think? Should he have told her or is this one better kept secret?
This comes under the category of discussing past lovers, and ordinarily I’d say no.
But in this case, your friend could have been exposed to HIV. Shouldn’t he be talking to someone about testing, for both himself and his wife?
Pam, he could’ve been exposed to HIV through the women, too. That’s how Magic Johnson got it. The fact that it was a homosexual relationship shouldn’t have any bearing on his getting tested; the fact that he engaged in “high-risk behavior” (multiple partners) should, however.
“All things being equal, all things are never equal.”
Count me as one of the dependable truthtellers.
Telling someone every bad thing you ever did might be honest, but should you tell your lover every thing? No!
Some things are best not told. Did you ask a specific question? Bringing out the dirty laundry when specificaly asked about something might be painful, but needed.
Telling your lover about past relationships could be the last thing they want to hear about.
Don’t tell someone everthing that you hate about them just to be honest. This is called nagging or bitching and will be taken as “I hate you.”
I’m only your wildest fear, from the corners of your darkest thoughts.
voguevixen – thanks, I needed that. Thanks for pointing it out so gently. 
Wow, I never thought I’d see so many of YOU people espousing a blanket “policy of truth.”
I don’t agree. A liar is no fun to have around but a person who takes great self-righteous pride in ALWAYS telling the truth is worse. There are times when an ugly truth MUST be told even if it hurts someone, and there are times when there is NO good reason to reveal something.
Let’s also differentiate between lying and keeping a secret. Suppose you had an affair. You decided to break it off and no one ever suspected. What would be the point of confessing this secret? If you’re honest to YOURSELF (surely the most important kind of honesty), you would probably have to admit that the only benefit of telling your spouse would be to make YOU feel better. Not sufficient. You should take that secret to your grave.
Of course, none of this weighty discussion applies to the kind of secrets referred to by the OP, things on the order of “god, it annoys me when he drinks his cereal milk.”
My policy is “circumstances alter cases.” I do believe it is generally better to tell the truth but just as you should never tell lies that hurt people, you should also never tell truths that hurt people unnecessarily.
Live a Lush Life
Da Chef