American men always have a poker session with their mates once a week.
American men go bowling with their mates once a week.
American men always have their mates round for "The Game " on Sundays.
Incredibly good looking women routinely marry unattractive men who are ALWAYS overweight.
Everyone in New York is either Italian or Jewish.
Single men (usually police), always have a beer from the fridge when they get home from work.
Men always go fishing on holiday.
Everyone has a wacky, happy-go-lucky neighbor.
Americans have a bar in their houses, and make cocktails daily.
Americans never watch TV except for sports.
I am an almost complete and utter failure.
Although I have managed to be unattractive and overweight.
(I think that Pepper Mill recognizes that she isn’t incredibly good looking to anyone besides me)
Chuck, you’ve got to turn on your TV right now; the reporter is about to briefly repeat a news item of direct relevance to you!
Most Americans in their twenties hang out with their friends in coffee shops a major part of the day and manage to have incredible amounts of sex. They rarely work.
Apartments in New York City are huge and anyone can afford one.
Americans rarely say “goodbye” at the end of phone conversations. They simply hang up after they’ve said whatever they called to say. This is especially true if the information being shared is very important.
And as soon as they hang up, the wacky neighbor drops by. And usually lets himself in without knocking.
Americans who work together are incredibly involved with each other’s lives–hanging out together, visiting, having romances, and discussing everything except work.
All eight year-old American girls are precocious and wise beyond their years. They are more emotionally mature than their single fathers, to whom they routinely give dating advice.
It is impossible for an American family to go on vacation without bringing along the kids’ closest friends.
Every now and then someone’s best friend for life dies. This is invariably someone we’ve never heard of before.
American police officers all have disastrous personal lives, and they never find joy or satisfaction in their work.
Nitpick: American men don’t have “mates” (unless you’re talking about their spouses). Buddies or pals, maybe.
Well mate, he ain’t from 'round these parts. One a them furriners, I reckon.
You left out daily commutes delayed by police chases, drive by shootings and running gun battles.
Some days, I can’t get to work until noon…
But apartments only exist in New York City. Everywhere else people live in two-story houses located in the suburbs.
American men are strictly forbidden by their wives from ever playing golf on weekends. Golf is an insidious addiction that takes away some kind of valuable family time, and the men have to sneak out, or make excuses, or lie.
If you’re a doctor, you can only date or marry another doctor, and if you do date, the only together time you have will be in a linen closet in the hospital, in between surgeries. If you have a child with another doctor, the child will be brought up in the workplace day care center. And as surely as the day turns into night, that child is going to end up, inevitably, with some dread disease or injury in the hospital’s emergency room. Guaranteed.
If an attractive young single woman lives alone, chances are very good she will be in charge of raising her little sister after they lose their parents in a tragic accident. Little sister will be the biggest pain in the neck EVER, interfering with older sister’s love life, getting kidnapped, getting into trouble with drugs or alcohol…you name it. But all will be forgiven and all will work out fine, because they are FAMILY!
I you’re a genius, highly observant, and great at solving mysteries then you will
A. Be the only person capable of doing whatever it is you do.
B. Be a total dick to everyone you encounter since you know that they can’t do anything without you.
C. Be allowed do do virtually anything you can think of no matter how ridiculously stupid or reckless or illegal with limited repercussions, and when there are repercussions you will end up scot-free because everyone will work together to bail you out despite how horrible you are because they can’t do anything without you.
D. Despite all of the above everyone will secretly want to sleep with you.