When it comes to my primary self-defense handgun, I will only buy a gun that I can get 100% of the spare parts for. There are two reasons for this:
As far as I know, there are only three handguns that you can buy 100% of the spare parts for:
So when it comes to a primary self-defense handgun, I will only buy a Glock, S&W M&P, or a 1911.
I can’t stand revolvers. I find them very un-fun to shoot. They have low capacity, are slow to load, have heavy trigger pulls, and are heavy for a given barrel length. The only thing they have going for them is reliability. But I’m not willing to give up high capacity & excellent ergonomics for a slight boost in reliability.
Last year I bought a S&W M&P 9mm compact. It is my primary weapon for concealed carry and open carry. I love it. And it’s been getting rave reviews from many members of gun forums.
And… if you’re going to purchase a primary self defense gun, you should also purchase a semi auto .22LR handgun. Why? For training and plinking. A semi auto .22LR handgun is a ***lot ***cheaper to shoot vs. any center-fire round. I bought a Walther P22 for this purpose. Damn it’s fun to shoot. 
I’ve had my eye on the Ruger LCR for some time.
I’ve held one, but have yet to shoot one. Very sleek and lightweight weapon, puts the C in CCW. I’m no revolver fan but I could carry this one in the pocket of my gym shorts. Seriously.
Generally though Glock is the standard. Rent and try them, they’re not for everyone. After you find a weapon you’re comfortable with, practice, practice, practice.
I’m a huge fan of the 1911, I mean they make one hell of a hole, but they can be unwieldy for a beginner. Still though, the Kimber Ultra Crimson Carry II is a damned fine looking weapon.
I know a lot of people who carry .40s and .45s. I think it’s a mistake for most of them to be carrying either round. Why? Because they never practice. Why? Because the ammo is too damn expensive. If you don’t practice, you won’t be able to hit your target, which is the most important variable when trying to stop a threat.
IMO you really have to give a lot of thought to the price of ammo when selecting your primary defensive handgun. Unless you’re independently wealthy, there’s no way in hell you’ll be able to practice with a .45 enough to be proficient with it. I see it over and over… a person buys a .45, and then about has a heart attack when they realize how much the ammo costs. Instead of getting something they can afford to practice with, they decide to carry the gun anyway. This can be a deadly mistake.
When I set out to determine what caliber to get, I worked my way down from biggest to smallest until I landed on a caliber I could afford to practice with:
.357? No. I hate revolvers.
10 mm? Only if I win the lottery.
.45? No frick’n way. Too damn expensive to practice with.
.40? Still too expensive.
9 mm? Still a fairly effective round, and I can afford to practice with it.
So I selected 9mm. While it may not have the intrinsic stopping power of some of the bigger cartridges, I can afford to train with it. Which means I will (hopefully) be able to hit my target and stop the threat. With a .45, the likelihood of me hitting my target would be much less, since I would not be able to afford to practice with it.
I assume all the serious answers are out of the way, yes? Okay, good.
I suggest getting a Desert Eagle. Be a pimp and get it in gold.
Also, may I suggest some muscle training in your arms? 
OK, I want one.
There was nothing better when I was in the Army than shooting my MK19 off of my Hummer. Second place was my M2 .50 cal. I loved being Infantry. We got the best toys to play with.
Is that direct fire as I understand it, where you are shooting a grenade in a flat trajectory at someone you really don’t like, or indirect where you lobbing grenades in a parabola over a ridge at someone you don’t like and can’t see?
On a serious note, I agree with the ideas that you should;
a> Buy something you can afford to practice with, and
b> Buy something that you can handle shooting regularly.
c> But which also has enough stopping power.
I have a .357 magnum I keep loaded at home for protection purposes. Given that I ended up displaying it several times in my last house, but never firing it, the “big and bad” look of the 6" barrel outweighed any idea of it being too heavy or slow to fire. Besides, in the rush/danger/terror of a real incident, I don’t think the trigger pull is going to be something I’d notice. Run out of ammo? The thing would be a helluva hammer.
When I worked Armed, I carried my 17 year old Taurus PT99 9mm. Because it was solidly reliable, having never failed in any way in the entire time I’ve owned it. Then I loaded it with the best semi-jacketed hollowpoints I could buy.
So basically, don’t buy a .45 or a .44 magnum just because it’s a badass gun if you can’t handle shooting the bloody thing. Likewise don’t waste your money on a .22 that’s only going to piss off a coked up burglar. Buy a solid, dependable 9mm or .40 (or .38 special), keep it in good shape, load it with good ammo, and practice, practice, practice.
I think the references for a .22 are for target practice and overall gun skills. I agree that it shouldn’t be used as a self-defense handgun (although it can easily kill someone) but that isn’t the point. It is expensive and tiresome to fire the higher powered cartridges over and over enough to gain reasonable proficiency. It is best to have a .22 for lots of practice and a self-defense firearm as a utility weapon.
Much food for thought, keep it coming.
Since I’m so new to this, I don’t have much to offer or respond to but know I am reading all of this most carefully. It is a very important decision.
As for CCP in NY State, I am looking into that obviously since this weapon will not live just in the house.
To me it is more serious a choice than what car to buy.
Definitely try them out and find one that feels comfortable in your hand.
The only gun I own is a Sig Pro 2340. It’s a great gun; I can shoot two different calibers (.40 S&W and .357 SIG) just by switching barrels. But, shortly after I bought it, I held a Walther P99, a 9mm. That sucker felt like it was made to fit in my hand. As soon as I have the spare cash, I’m a-gonna get one.
Everyone above is right about practicing with different calibers so that you know how it all feels. My .357 SIG has more stopping power than a 9mm, sure, but it takes me longer to recenter than a 9mm, which I can tap-tap-tap and keep trained pretty tight. And I think ten quickly-fired 9mm rounds would do plenty to stop someone I wanted to stop.
Almost, but not quite true.
Frakkin’ MudBugs. 
Be nice to the MudBugs, they have these.
Another vote for the P99; it’s my CHL gun. Personally, I don’t think there’s a better feeling gun out there. The S&W M&P borrowed the idea of interchangable backstraps from it, and thus comes in a close 2nd for me.
There’s a P99c that’s about 3/4 the size of the P99, which would help for carrying.
It’s available in 9mm and .40, though you can get a drop-in .357 barrel from a 3rd party manufacturer (they’re supposedly really good.) You can, in fact, interchange the three barrels on a .40 model. S&W made their own version of it (Walther provided the lowers) called the SW99, which was also available in .45.
You basically get the benefits of Glock construction, and, if you opt for the P99QA, the Glock action, too. It just feels better than a brick in your hand.
Glocks are as reliable as they get, hence their adoption by so many law enforcement agencies around the world. I have a Glock 19 (9mm) for concealed carry but I found it to be a bit bulky if it wasn’t winter time and I didn’t have on a heavy coat. That’s why I got a Walther PPS. Regardless, when purchase time comes I’d suggest comparing prices locally with what you can get on here as they typically have some considerably lower prices.
Be careful about recoil. You’d be surprised at how much some 9mm guns can have due to design. 9mm is extremely popular, and rightly so, but if you can find a .45 that doesn’t have ridiculous recoil, I’d go with one of those.
I fired an FN .45 ACP recently and was surprised at the amount (or lack thereof) of recoil.
But as others have said, training is the best recipe. Taking a few different handguns for test drives in a range that rents is the only way to go. Everyone is different in their tolerances for recoil.
It’s up to you to decide how much you can handle.
And as for the price of ammo, I wouldn’t worry too much. You don’t need to blast off hundreds of rounds in a sitting to get reasonably proficient if you take the time to take a safety class or get an instructor.
.45 rounds are generally in the 50 cent per round range.
Don’t buy a 1911 till you know the difference between single action and double action. I never thought a 1911 was great concealed carry gun; in a holster maybe but there are safer guns to carry. It’s a hundred year old design and there have been some improvements since it was designed. Flame On. I carry a 40 cal double action.
Recoil is a concern, but I do believe I want to spend quite a bit of time on a range before looking and purchasing.
I’m also wondering- people feel strongly about this gun or that, might I do well to try out a few ranges? I suspect various instructors have their strong preferences, and I want to understand the variety of recoils, weights, feels and such. A very strong personality on a range may sway me too much.
Yes, sometimes various ranges’ instructors have very stubborn points of view on various guns. I’ve seen some who are totally fixated on the “perfection” that is the 1911, and insulting Glocks as “plastic guns.” Of course they don’t realize that plastic gun is the product of ingenious, modern-day engineering using modern polymers and that their precious 1911 is a nearly outdated design that sucks for carrying concealed due to its weight.
So yes, talk around, get more than one opinion, hold the guns, see how you like them firing with rentals. If you can avoid their science and political-related forums, sites like Glocktalk.com has various boards for general-firearm and concealed carry questions (and they have a huge userbase).