What made you decide to have children?

In My Humble Opinion
21

My husband’s “baby brother” (I guess he’s in his mid-40’s now). Everyone tried to talk him out of marrying the woman who is now his ex-wife. But he wouldn’t hear it. Said he “loved her”. Whatever.

She didn’t want kids. He did. Desperately. So when they had sex, when they’d “change positions”, he’d slip the condom off.

Two kids and one divorce later:
Well, he has a son and a daughter. He doesn’t see them. Ever. She has poisoned them against him (“Daddy left because he doesn’t love you”), she has had him charged with child molestation against his daughter (she called his commanding officer on this one while he was in National Guard). Unfortunately, he doesn’t have the cojones to fight her on this. I love my BIL (really!) but this, to me, is unconscionable; to intentionally parent children and then not see them. . .)

What makes me super-pissed (and here in a poor town I see a lot of it) is women who have a bunch of offspring because they can’t be bothered not to. The girl who rents apt. 5 from me is a prime example. She has three kids, age 5 and under, two different fathers; unmarried and unattached (except for the brief fling she had with the dude in 6), and her girls (the older two kids) are so attention-starved it’s crazy. They are always asking me “What’s your name?” and wanting to give me hugs and “gifts” (like colorful leafs they picked up off the ground).

Crazy.

There are so many ways not to have a kid these days. Why wouldn’t you avail yourself to one of them?

22

I always wanted to have kids, and it was sort of an intuitive choice at a particular time. Like when we decided we would eventually have kids, we had sex and BAM she got pregnant. I mean literally the first time we had sex after deciding we wanted to have kids TOGETHER, as opposed to both wanting kids in the abstract of ‘someday’.

23

This. I am 36. No desire for kiddies, never had any.

24

I didn’t particularly want kids, didn’t really think about them much. About age 25 I suddenly really, really wanted one. I talked to my partner about it, and he was amenable, so we had some. I wanted 3 (or 4, or 5) but he didn’t, so we have two. The desire for kids was very sudden and very strong for me and didn’t really have a lot to do with my opinions of kids, or life plans I had up to that point.

25

Well, there was nothing good on TV that night…

Before we got married my wife and I talked about kids: how many did we want, names, schools, etc. Also we talked about how long we would wait after we were married to try. We knew we wanted them. After 2 years, we started trying. When we had problems conceiving we went to the OB.

Some people know they want kids. Some warm up to the idea. Some never want them at all. We wanted them so badly that we went through fertility treatments and multiple losses. We also adopted from foster care.

26

My first child was un-planned. The second child was more un-planned; I had an IUD and was breast-feeding the first child. I had envisoined a career of science, being in a lab-coat working on super-secret thingies into the wee hours of the morn. Gee, my plans changed. I found that I loved being a Mommy, and didn’t finish my degree due to time constraints. But that was a choice, not a mandate.

I just made the best of things as they were presented to me, not very proactive I realize now. I wouldn’t change a thing, I love my life now.

27

I wanted children very badly when I was young, for all the wrong reasons: I was hopeless at human interaction, and figured I wouldn’t have that problem with my child (though I didn’t realize that was what I thought), I wanted respect as an adult and an authority figure, and wanted to be the most important person in someone’s life.

Then I grew up into an adult, figured out (roughly) human interactions, and met someone who I valued and who valued me. So those reasons evaporated (though, again, I wouldn’t have put it that way at the time), and since he wasn’t that interested in kids, I put it on the back burner.

Now we are interested in kids, but it’s totally different. Now, I mostly think having kids–or at least a kid–sounds like fun. Difficult fun, to be sure (I am part of a huge family, so I don’t have many illusions), but ultimately something I could enjoy doing. I’m a teacher from the top of my head to the tips of my toes, and I’d really love to, at least once, see the process through from birth to maturity, instead of the 2-year snapshot I usually get. It may not work out–my husband has genetic issues we have to make sure not to pass on, and that makes the process expensive and iffy–but I am beginning to really, really hope that it does. I think I’ll be good enough at it, and it will amuse me.

28

I didn’t actively decide, but like many others I ended up having a child anyway.

My relationship with children is comparable to my attitude to dogs: I don’t particularly like them as a species but sometimes grow to like some individuals. Cats though, I love unconditionally. A cat comes into the room and I want to pet it, coo over it, pick it up. This has rarely happened to me with kids.

So I never, ever had a burning desire for a child, well into my mid-30s. I did go through a phase in my 20s thinking babies were cute, but deep down found babies and most small children boring and older children intimidating.

When I got pregnant at the age of 36 I was in a strong, happy and committed relationship and we had decided to “leave it to fate”. Based on the experiences of my 35+ friends with all their fertility issues I thought it probably wouldn’t happen, but it did - in the first or second contraception-free month. When I found out I had a very difficult 3 days but I came to terms with it and - as they say - I haven’t looked back. My son is 9 and although I’m not what most people would call a natural mother I’ve enjoyed the experience and accepted the sacrifices that it entails. I never imagined or experienced such depth of love, with the scary side that comes along with it, the fear of “every parent’s worst nightmare”.

I think it was easier for me precisely because I’m older - I’d already travelled more than most people, had an interesting career, lived in different countries, enjoyed my youth. Had it happened in my 20s I’m sure I would have resented the loss of freedom a lot more.

However, I am 100% sure that if I’d never had a child I would be absolutely fine about it too.

29

I always had this vague notion when I was younger (as in, when I was a teenager), that kids would be in my future. Then I grew up, and had a really difficult time forming relationships with men. I was in my mid-20s when I started thinking that maybe kids and marriage wouldn’t be the path that my life took. I can’t say I was happy about that, but it seemed rather inevitable at that point.

Then, when I was 27, I met my future husband. Within about 2 months of meeting him, I knew we would get married. And within about 6 months of meeting him, my biological clock suddenly kicked into high gear. I suddenly became obsessed, but we decided to put off trying until we got married, which was just before I turned 30. All very sensible.

We tried for 3 years before doing IVF, and I’m currently pregnant with my first child (it stills seems rather surreal typing that). I would love to say that I’m over the moon, but after all that trying and failing, I’ve become a lot more cautious about the whole thing. About 2 years into trying to conceive, we both started having long discussions about how much we really, actually, truly wanted children. To be honest, that sort of screwed my head up, seeing as I had gone from a baby-obsessed happy person, to a miserable, unsure, depressed mess. This may sound strange, but when we went through IVF, I was still feeling rather unsure about the whole thing.

I can’t, obviously, tell you right now if we maded the right decision, but I have decided to trust in the feelings that I had 6 years ago, and chalk the more recent doubts up to infertility-related issues. With 4 months still to go before I meet my son, I’m slowly starting to have more positive thoughts about everything. It’s really hard to explain - hopefully I haven’t confused you any more.

I think that you are young enough that your biological clock is still on standby. You could meet someone in a few years, and this could kick it into action. Or you could meet someone, and realise that you don’t need anything else in your life to make you happy. Or, you could be like a lot of people, and meet that person, and still be unsure. I think that the good thing, though, is that you are thinking about it. So many people go into having kids for the wrong reasons, or because they can’t be bothered not to, or because they really haven’t given it a whole lot of thought.