One of my exes expected me to choose between him and my two cats. That was the moment when he became my ex.
I was, superficially, the dominant one in the relationship . . . but on another level, he was the one who needed to be in control (the phrase “pushy bottom” is often used). I believe he was testing me, to see how far I’d let him push. His poor self-esteem needed to be compensated for; since he didn’t value himself enough, he needed to know that I valued and validated him and the relationship. In some respects I did value him, but there was a limit to how much I could value someone who would set that kind of trap.
A person with poor self-esteem can only feel good about himself if he sees that the other people in his life also have poor self-esteem. The only way he could have “won” was for me to have the same low self-esteem that he had, and to capitulate to his demands. He was very mistaken.
I think there needs to be a balance. When single and alone people tend to learn to absorb themselves in something or other that interests them. When a new person comes into the picture you need to make time for them as well and the two things may conflict.
The couple needs to come to a reasonable arrangement they can both live with. You do not need to stop all gaming but you need to fit your SO in there enough as well. If you are ignoring your SO in favor of your games then I’d wager it is not a very good relationship and may be better off ended.
Ideally you get the SO involved in your thing too. Sadly, for me anyway, I have yet to achieve that with any woman I have ever known. I know there are women out there who like gaming but I have yet to meet them and not a one I have dated has the slightest interest. That’s fine, your SO need not like all the same things you do, just a bit of a bummer sometimes.
OK, I have almost a similar whine about guys into sports … for sake of example, football. Personally I think pro ball is a waste of time and money but it isnt my thing. I had dated a number of guys who literally watched every game that hit the tv … and many of them insisted that I watch it with them. Only a couple seemed to understand that the entire football world could fall off the face of the earth and it would not impact my life at all. They were content to let me sit on the couch and read while listening to music through headphones. Very nice and cozy, I was enjoying my time snuggling them, and they were watching the game.
mrAru wasnt interested in everquest in the slightest, but he would hang out with me and watch tv while i killed stuff. He did get sort of into world of warcraft, and we grouped and did quests together. Same with EVE online. BUT he also enjoys just hanging out near me while I kill orcs or mine asteroid belts, or run missions and reading.
What you need to do is get the significant other to find something they can do in the same room and talk with them about stuff in general, not just 'would you look at the armor on that pally … ’ or ‘check out my new apocalypse build’ and ‘check out my new scrapbook’ :
You can spend quality time with someone and still be doing different activities … if nothing else, you can play wow and she can scrap book and you can have a movie on and discuss the movie … and dont do anything over dinner but sit eat and converse … make sure to set aside one night a week to spend together as a ‘date night’ and time during the week to spend together. Dont tell them it is whatever and me …
My sister made her husband give up playing computer games. Mr. Neville and I don’t play the same computer games, but we do both play computer games. “Hold on, I’m in a cut scene” is a valid response to “Honey, could you come here a minute?” in all but emergencies.
Ah, I thought male animals did that because a female won’t mate/have new offspring if she’s still nursing and caring for current offspring. Plus, I don’t think animals have a sense of remorse.
I could see two scenarios that would create a reasonable ultimatum. First type would come about after an escalation after trying to set reasonable limits/expectations (if you spend ten hours a day and half your paycheck on WOW, a SO has a right to be concerned). Some people have problems cutting back without going cold turkey. The other is in extremes: serious drug abuse, extremely dangerous hobbies or pets, crime, etc.
I also think it is reasonable to discuss certain things rationally. If I was allergic to a pet, but I really like the person, I would tell them upfront that the pet would be deal breaker for living together. I would put that in the early part of relationship before things get too serious, just so everyone is clear before we go too far.
Sometimes it isn’t a complete “stop” request - its a “dial it back” request. Brainiac4 had to give up a lot of gaming when we had youngish kids. Sometimes people aren’t looking for you to give up something to prove your love to them, but out of a request to pull your weight in the relationship tasks that are involved in being a grown up.
And some people’s behavior is self destructive. Telling someone “its the booze or me” and then leaving if they don’t stop drinking is healthy.
Seriously? Christ. I can see why she’s the ex. And I think that’s some of what’s going on here, too - some people are just so self-absorbed that they don’t think of their SO.
Wait, I think I said that wrong. Lemme rephrase:
They want to have their SO, they want to control their SO, but there’s no way that the SO is going to control them. They’ll do whatever they want. It’s all or nothing, but only one direction.
I can understand trying to work out some sort of compromise in the situation where the pet existed before the relationship, but no way the situation that Whack-a-mole describes works in a functional relationship. It’s the perfect example of “I’ll do what I want and he/she can deal.” It’s disrespectful. But that’s how these people work, I guess.
Thanks. To be fair though I am an animal lover in general. While I prefer dogs I have fun with cats too. I also noticed some cats set off my allergies worse than others. A big part was how well the place they lived was kept clean but also the cat itself (no idea why one would be worse than another but some clearly were and no rhyme or reason I could discern). For her cats I was ok as long as I was super careful to wash my hands after petting them. I also kept a lot of Benadryl handy :). In general I could get along and while we were dating she could stay at my place a lot too.
As I said, over time, I seemed to get acclimated to the cats and the allergies largely left me for them (a scratch would welt up and itch always but tolerable here and there and not a big thing).
According to the caption on that same photo here, they are leaving the funeral home after the daughter’s funeral which was before the mother was charged. (Funeral was in February, she was charged in June).
I don’t recall hearing if he is still with her or not.
Everyone always overlooks the second half of that statement, the “…or me” part. If I can’t live with X and you aren’t willing to give up X, then we’re not the right ones for each other, so we should split up. But maybe X is actually a relatively minor part of your life, and you are willing to give it up. And maybe I don’t know whether it’s important to you or not. So I lay the situation out on the table, and say “If you’re not willing to give up X, then we’re not right for each other. But if you are willing to give it up, then maybe we are.”.
I get that sometimes you really can’t live with X, but isn’t it more mature to say “I really have a problem with X, and I’d like you to give it up” vs. “Give it up or I’m leaving you.”?
Obviously, if they’re not taking your concern seriously, you may end up leaving them, but phrasing it as “Do this or else” just seems needlessly adversarial.
I don’t understand why “Cats or me” is a bizarre thing to more than one of you. If I said “That’s it! It’s the ficus or me, honey!”, would you think twice about tossing it? What about “If you go to the bar again, I’m gone”? I think that you think it’s crazy only because you’ve got a soft spot for cats that’s clouding your view. I’d rather date a crazy woman than a cat lover, although it’s hard to tell the difference. I’d have no problem stating with all seriousness “It’s the cat or me” and sticking to that decision.
The mentality isn’t “I want out of this” nor “I want to control you.” It’s “the person I love isn’t a cat lover. Are you a cat lover? If so, I’m gone. If not, I’ll stay. Choose.” There’s nothing ‘impossible’ about this choice. It’s actually very simple.
That would depend a lot on why you wanted me to get rid of the cats or ficus, or why you wanted me to stop going to the bar. If the cats were attacking you or making you sick, it’s a reasonable request. If you just don’t like the cat hair everywhere, it isn’t. If you think my drinking is self-destructive, that’s reasonable. If you don’t like me going out without you, that’s not.
If you’re not willing to compromise on things like pets or home decor, but insist that nothing can be in the house if you don’t like it, that means you’re a fairly inflexible and controlling type. Not someone I’d want to date, in other words.
When I was still dating, pet hair everywhere was, in fact, enough reason for me to stop dating that person. I ditched the women, though, rather than telling them to give up the pet.
