Every family to me, has had its share of “skeletons in the closet” so to speak. These are issues only close family members know about that are not to be shared with outsiders and definitely not the media or authorities. Why cover it up? It could be the issue would bring shame to the family or perhaps it would mean a loved one could go to jail. Or it could be that revealing the issue could bring problems not just to 1-2 people, but the entire family.
I’ve been looking up the issues and this article discusses how the very act of covering something up can permanently damage a family -LINK
My father’s family has a long but rarely-mentioned history of alcoholism, the extent and severity of which I only found out when I was in my thirties. I wish it hadn’t been covered up. Growing up in a conservative Christian household (Mormon, specifically), all I heard was “Drinking is bad, mmmkay?” Which was fine while I was still in that church, but once I left, it left me with very little reason not to jump headfirst into the bottle. What would have been more constructive is if my father had told me, “Son, you should probably know that your uncle and grandfather both completely wrecked their jobs, families, and health with alcohol. I have no control over what you do once you’re an adult, but you should know what kind of tendencies are wired into your genes.”
I grew up the eldest (or so I thought) of four children. My Dad passed away in 2001, Mom in 2008. Imagine my surprise when an elderly lady contacted me in late 2013 and introduced herself as the adopted mother of an elder sister who was about 18 months older than me. No such thing had ever been mentioned by my parents, and neither I nor any of my siblings had the slightest clue about this. I’m sort of impressed at how well the secret was kept; aside from my Dad, at a bare minimum, my Mom’s mother and my Mom’s two sisters, all of whom we saw regularly, would have known about this.
I can understand that at the time (early '50s) this sort of thing was routinely swept under the rug, and I don’t know if I resent them exactly for never mentioning it, but I can’t help feeling a bit weirded out about the whole thing. At least it may explain some oddness in our family dynamic that I always wondered about, however.
I wish they had mentioned something about it when I reached adulthood; I could have handled it. Water under the bridge, I guess.
The list is long
Addictions
criminal behavior or criminal records
incest
abuse
mental illness
poverty (people don’t want others to know how poor they actually are)
unemployment
infidelity
previous marriages/children before the parents met in the current family
teenage pregnancy
The things families don’t keep secret would probably be longer. Several of those were in my family, I’m guessing each family has some of them.
I’ve read from a few people who have done genealogical research.
In decades past, it was far more common than we tend to think for a roughly 18-year-old (give or take) girl to go away to visit relatives for a few months, and then come back with a baby “sibling.”
Illegitimate kids, who cheated on whom, who dated a married woman (then married her after she got a divorce - back in the days when divorce was spelled in front of the kids).
Things that would barely raise an eyebrow now were well guarded secrets back then.
I wonder how many secrets begin as accidents. In our family, I, my parents, my siblings and my husband know that one of my brothers molested me when we were kids. But I don’t think my kids know, and I know his kids don’t know, and I’m not sure we’ll ever tell them. There was never an intentional decision to make it a secret, but it’s just not something that small children need to know about their uncle (or mother, or father or aunt), and small children grow up into big children and somehow the story never gets told, because, it’s done now…it’s water under the bridge and he has been forgiven and what good would come from telling them?
But I can imagine that if one of my kids were to find this post in the future, they would be shocked at this “family secret” that was never really intended to be a secret.
My grandmother, a farm girl, married my grandfather, a farmer, in 1918. It turned out he was only farming to avoid the draft, and as soon as the war ended, he sold the farm and returned to his former profession, a builder. Gram was not happy about this, but stayed with him lifelong.
Suicide has almost always been covered up until very recent times. Ernest Hemmingway died “accidentally” of a gunshot to the head. I remember reading that he was cleaning his gun and it went off. Yeah, right.
Oh, mental illness for sure. I unfortunately remember when it wasn’t the case, but my parents were both more or less stable by the time lil bro was able to understand what was going on, so he still doesn’t know. They didn’t mean to keep it from him, but he’s now in his early 30s and doesn’t know that one of our parents is bipolar. Now they’re angsting about how to tell him given they ought to have a long time ago.
My Dad was drafted into WWII and supposedly got a medical discharge after 29 days because of allergies and asthma - which is accurate. I was told that he later found out that one had to serve 30 days to get veterans benefits so he didn’t. Always wondered if that’s the whole story.
Had an aunt that taught first grade. It was hidden from the kids that she was a smoker; I only learned when she was in her 80’s and and I was in my 40’s.
Have observed that several of my SO’s family seemed to have been quite intelligent but unable to complete major goals like finishing college. I’ve wondered if this is a cultural or psychological problem and how far it goes back, and why?
My grandmother’s family hid the fact that there was an American Indian in the genealogy for years. Now we all know and we don’t care but back a hundred years ago it was scandalous!!! :eek:
However, nobody ever acknowledged that we have black relatives. I found out that tidbit watching the 6 o’clock news one day.
Couples often tried to convince acquaintances that a 9-pound baby born 6 months after the wedding was a preemie, or they would tell people that they were married a year earlier than they actually were. Some women who had children out of wedlock told people that the father had died.
Sometimes, people have reasons for keeping secrets, and we may not be privy to them. Many years ago, I met a woman who as a young adult had a baby that she put up for adoption, and she and the father, who she said was a good man who offered to marry her but she didn’t love him, made a mutual agreement not to see each other again. The son had located her a few years earlier, and she knew his father would want to meet him. She eventually located his father’s widow, with whom he had several children. She knew about the son who had been placed for adoption, but their children did not, and apparently she had some very good reasons (which this woman didn’t tell me) for not telling them about their half-brother.
I’ve wondered if all the cases of “crib death” are sometimes cover ups for someone accidentally killing their child? Its very easy for example to fall asleep with a baby and accidentally smother it. You cannot have the person go to prison for homicide so they often concoct a story and I think sometimes police and doctors go along with it.
I wish they had not kept this secret because if they had been allowed to become tribal members, the kids would have been eligible for some benefits like college scholarships.
The last generation that would have been eligible for that would be my dad and uncle who are both in their 70s. They were both more concerned with getting their military service out of the way so they could get jobs out of college. Seriously, nobody would hire my dad until he completed an overseas tour because he was prime draft material when he graduated in 1968.
In high school I had two apparently healthy classmates die suddenly. Suicide was strongly suspected, but no one who would know for sure ever verified it.
My family has been pretty open about our various mental health issues, but no one ever talks about why anyone gets divorced. Money, mental health issues, infidelity, who knows?
We also have a cousin we’re positive is gay, but she lives in a small, Bible belt town, where that would probably hurt her career and social life, so we simply don’t mention it.