What Shoud I Expect At A Bar Mitzvah

Factual Questions
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Side question to qazwart: Why did you use “bar mitzvah” as a verb? That’s the first time I’ve heard a Conservative or Orthodox Jew use the term as a verb; it’s always been as a noun: “When my children had their bar mitzvahs…”

In my experience, the Reform and Reconstructionist movements use the term as a verb, as if the ceremony is what’s important. The reality is, the coming of age is a right of age, the ceremony is the first time the young adult participates as an adult. But the ceremony is not mandatory.

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and you tell the parents that the kid did a great job.

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… even if the kid didn’t do a good job.

I was at a friend’s bar mitzvah back in REDACTED. He didn’t warm up properly. As he started the haftarah, his voice cracked as puberty and karma decided to mess with his day. He struggled through the chanting with a messed up voice, not knowing what octave his next word would be in. The congratulations were still in order.

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At the only Conservative Bar Mitzvah I’ve attended, my father didn’t put on a yarmulke. He was intercepted shortly after entering and asked to go put one on.

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I’m Episcopalian but have been to two bar mitzvahs and one bat mitzvah (for a childhood friend, 'way back when, and more recently for two friends of my eldest son). Each time I was made very welcome and had a good time. I wouldn’t show up late; that would be rude, IMHO. I wore a yarmulke each time because it was expected.

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Put on the yarmulke. It’s just a hat. Males are supposed to keep their heads covered in shul, so they provide you with a little hat to wear if you don’t happen to have your own hat with you.

And bring a roll of Pep-O-Mint Lifesavers. Don’t ask me why, but over the years I’ve found that slowly eating a roll of Pep-O-Mint Lifesavers is very helpful in staving off the crushing boredom.

Kreplach? After a Bar Mitzvah? Who’s ever heard of such a thing?

Or was this just an excuse to say “kreplach?” I love saying kreplach. Kreplach kreplach kreplach. I can’t stand most Jewish food, but I love saying the names of it. Schmaltz. Kasha varnishkes. Kugel. Tzimmes. I even look for excuses to say Manishewitz.

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okay, let’s ease the worries a bit…
1.Yes, you’re gonna be bored out of your mind.
2.Yes, you’re gonna have no idea what is happening, or what happens next.
which leads to :
3. you’re gonna feel really awkward.

But here’s the good news:
The buffet afterwards is better than at most churches.

Okay, now for some useful info:
When you arrive, presumably your friend who invited you will greet you warmly. Then, after 60 seconds, he will run off to greet a hundred other friends and family, while you stand there feeling like the guy at a cocktail party where he doesn’t know anybody.

But- there is no need to feel awkward. Really.
Nobody will give you dirty looks for not knowing what to do.

In the entrance foyer, you will find a shelf or bin full of yarmulkes (= Kippa in Hebrew, =skullcap in English). These are wispy-thin pieces of cloth that you’re supposed to put on your head when entering the synagogue. (nobody really knows why(honestly!)-- it’s just a nice tradition. And it is the only bit of ritual that you may be asked to take part in.Out of respect for others, pick one out of the bin.

Placing it on your head is easy… But keeping it there takes some practice. If you tilt your head, or look up, or step out into the breeze, or sneeze, the darn thing falls off. And , guess what—it really doesn’t matter.Nobody will notice, or care. Don’t feel like you violated something sacred if your yarmulke falls off-- just pick it up off the floor and put it back on your head.

In the same bin with the yarmulkes you will see long, scarf-like garments that look really strange. This is called a talis, and is worn by men (and some women)during prayer services. Some people drape it like a scarf around the shoulders. Others open the whole garment up to look like a giant bedsheet and wrap half their body in it. This will look really strange to you, and make you feel awkward, wondering gee, do I have to do that too?
The answer is simple: NO! Absolutely nobody will expect you to do wear a talis, just like they won’t expect you to know the Hebrew language.

The service itself is longer than you want to put up with. Sorry 'bout that!
And much of it is read and sung in a weird foreign language.
Just be polite. Stand up when everybody else does, and sit down along with them a few minutes later. (Don’t worry–there’s no kneeling,–other than standing up and sitting down, there are no rituals you have to particpate in.You will never have to wonder, “gee, am I doing something wrong now?”
You may not notice it at first, because everything is so new to you…but the atmosphere during the prayer service is surprisingly informal. People will be coming and going, some arriving late, some getting up to go to the rest room, some chatting with their neighbors about sports or the stock market.

The prayer book opens backwards (from right to left) because that’s the way Hebrew is written.There is English translation on each page for you to read when you’re bored.But that will probably bore you even more.

Half way through the service, people will put away the prayer book, and take a big scroll thing out of the closet on the pulpit… This starts the main course, where all the action takes place.
The boy celebrating his bar mitzvah will have a role to play here, so wake up and pay attention., Then you can congratulate him after the service for looking so good.
The torah scroll will be carried in a procession around the congregation. Many people will run over to touch and kiss it, and you will wonder what the hell is going on. Don’t worry–just stand up with everybody else, and watch it like you would watch the Queen’s coronation on television.

Then the scroll will be carried back to the reading table, and the rabbi will chant more boring stuff in Hebrew. There will be pauses as lots of people will be called up to participate in the reading ceremony. Then the bar mitzvah boy will be called up and make his performance, chanting more boring stuff in Hebrew. He’s been practicing this for months, and he’s nervous. But his parents will be beaming with happiness.
And that’s what religion is all about, actually…A bar mitzvah is not so much a ritual ceremony as it is an occasion for a family to build meaningful and loving memories.

Then there’s another procession, the Torah scroll is returned to its closet (more properly called an ark).The rabbi will speak (yes,in English, and yes, for too long…) and then some more Hebrew stuff is read from the prayer book. Towards the end, people who are mourning the recent death of a family member will stand for a special prayer, while the rest of the congregation remains seated.

Then you get to eat.

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The Torah scroll isn’t stored in a closet – it’s stored in a lidless box, normally stood up on its side. The configuration just looks like a closet or a cabinet.

Try your best to follow along in the English. That changes “boring” to “not boring.”

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Probably out of habit. I grew up in a fairly reformed household.

A male child is considered Bar Mitzvah at 13 even if they don’t do anything. Bar mitzvah is merely the age the child is personally responsible for fulfilling all of the Jewish mitzvot (commandments).

The correct phrase would probably be “when my children were considered bar mitzvah…”, but that is simply referring to the exact moment when a boy turns thirteen or a girl turns twelve (bat mitzvah). Maybe what we really should be saying “when my children celebrated their bar mitzvahs”.

You’re right that saying being “Bar Mitzvahed” is not a good phrase. It sounds like someone did something to you as if during the service, the Rabbi waved a magic wand and turned you into a fountain pen.

Speaking about grammar, I never liked the term Reformed Jew. If you’re a Reformed Alcoholic, it means you are no longer are an alcoholic. If you’re a Reformed Burglar, it means you’re no longer a burglar. So, exactly what happens to a Jew when they become “Reformed”?

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Well you could say the same thing about Christians of the Reformed denomination.

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It’s Reform Judaism, not Reformed, so this shouldn’t be a problem.