My son was home sick today. Tomorrow I need to tell him what happened today, as he often travels on planes. He’s incredibly smart, but only eleven years old. What would you tell him?
I would advise that you not let him watch TV. Instead find a few articles fron the net that don’t have any graphic descriptions and let him read them. Talk to him for a few minutes, assure him that there isn’t any danger and that nobody who you know was hurt. Then wait for him to ask you more questions. Children of that age probably won’t be able to grasp the full extent and consequences of these events, at least not at first.
As far as flying on planes, I don’t know. Security measures are going to be way different, so wait and see if they’re more likely to bring reassurance or reinforce paranoia. Also, it’s up to him how he’s going to feel about flying from now on. If he develops a fear of it, you’ll have to talk him through it, maybe with a therapist.
As far as what’s happening in general, find out first what he knows or thinks he does. The media is completely saturated, so he may hear too much to process at once*. And he may get disinformation from schoolmates or teachers. When he gives you his summary, you’ll be able to gauge just how scared and how confused he is. If he’s more bewildered than afraid, you don’t have to smother him with hugs (although hugs are always good, especially now!), but if he does express fear, you’ll know how to phrase answers to his questions.
You know him and I don’t, so I can’t tell you how much or little to tell him. But because you know him, you’ll be able to tell how much or how little he can handle.
*I appreciate the fact that all the networks and cable channels seem to be carrying the same feed, negating the possibility of multiple conflicting reports on different channels. This has kept panic from taking hold a few times already.
Thanks for the suggestions to this point. To add to the story, he lives in a household without television, but has friends who have seen the horrors on tv.
ANYONE WITH CHILDREN IS ASKING THE QUESTION: HOW DO YOU TELL KIDS ABOUT SOMETHING THIS SCARY AND AWFUL? YOU CAN’T HIDE IT FROM THEM. THE IMAGES ARE EVERYWHERE.
IT IS A TRAGEDY THAT HAS CONFUSED CHILDREN.
Boy says: “I didn’t really know what was going on.”
AND FRIGHTENED THEM…
Boy says: “I was kind of scared there was going to be a war.”
Reporter stand-up: "The horrifying attacks that took place in the U-S were discussed in some Greater Vancouver classrooms if students raised the issue. And then those discussions would be age appropriate. Now teachers were also keeping a close eye on students, monitoring them for any signs of stress or anxiety.
ONE WAY CHILD PSYCOLOGISTS SAY PARENTS CAN HELP THEIR CHILDREN IS BY TALKING TO THEM - AND LETTING THEM TALK ABOUT HOW THEY FEEL.
Michael Elterman: “It’s helpful for them to talk about what their fears are, what they’ve seen…in the playground.”
IT’S ALSO IMPORTANT TO REASSURE YOUR CHILDREN THEY ARE SAFE.
Streeter woman: “My older one is almost 13. She’s very upset…safe place.”
PSYCHOLOGISTS RECOMMEND AS WELL THAT PARENTS STAY CALM THEMSELVES AND NOT OVER-EXPOSE THEIR KIDS TO THE HORRORS OF WHAT HAS HAPPENED.
Elterman: “The amount that the children are exposed to these images is going to have an affect on the extent to which they feel that this is either just another news story or this is a major catastrophe engulfing the world.”
SIGNS THAT YOUR CHILD IS HAVING DIFFICULTY DEALING WITH THE INCIDENT INCLUDE SLEEPLESSNESS, CHANGES IN MOOD OR AN INCREASE IN AGGRESSION.
AND AGAIN THE ADVICE - TALK TO YOUR CHILD.
Barbarian, you’re a saint… my kid sister wants to know all about it and i was wondering how to break it to her gently. thanks so much!
This is why I’m not looking forward to going to work in a few minutes. There is no way that our students won’t have been exposed to this story within the last several hours, and I have no idea what parents tell 3-6 year olds about this sort of large scale tragedy. Even if they don’t quite grasp death, they’re undoubtably aware that something bad has happened to upset every single grownup they know. I’m sure it’s going to be a rough day, and that we’ll see lots more tears than normal when parents leave. I suppose our morning meeting will be a good time to figure out how to respond if they ask us questions, too…
This was one of my first sefish thoughts as this unfolded: Thank god Cranky Jr is too little to know what is going on.
Last night we got away from the TV and took him to the park. As I stood there watching kids run around and giggle, I felt badness and ugliness just rolling off and away from me. It was like a weight lifting, at least for a short time.
Here’s a little something from my employer. Not of a lot of advice, but somewhat helpful.
The better half and I had a long talk about this before his kids came home from school yesterday. Given that he is a commanding police officer, that our community is close to not only DFW airport but Bell Helicopter and that his department lost a bunch of guys who were reservists, we really didn’t know what might shake down or what he might be called in to do. His eldest is 15; the youngest 11.
We decided that the best course of action was information, but to present it calmly and rationally, and without showing any fear or obvious distress. When they got home from school, we talked to them first to find out what they had heard and seen. The eldest of his two had seen some of the footage; the younger had heard only rumors. After that, we sat them both down, explained carefully what had happened, and sat with them to watch the reports coming in, to explain what was going on and to answer questions insofar as we could. Both of them were perturbed not only because so many people (not to mention police officers and firefighters, which hit very close to home for both of them) were lost, but because we generally fly when we travel.
Was it the best course of action? I don’t know. It did seem to help. We don’t want them to be frightened when they fly again (especially since we plan to move in the next few years and they will have to fly back to their mother for the summer), nor do we want them scared whenever their dad walks out of the door to go to work.
However, we can’t prevent these things from happening, nor can we prevent them from possibly having to deal with these things in the future. We thought that if we faced what happened as squarely as possible, and showed them how to do the same, we could at least teach them to cope. I think it’s the best thing – if not the only thing-- of value we can give them from this.
A friend has an 8-year-old boy. I have an 11-year-old girl. We both decided to tell our children as many facts as we think they can handle, while reassuring them that this is not something that happens all the time, that we will do our very best to keep them safe, that our government will do ITS very best to keep them safe. We squelched anything that was rumor – if it wasn’t confirmed by one or more reliable sources, it didn’t happen. We defined the difference between a terrorist and a nationality/religion and stressed the point that bad people are out there, but they are not bad because of WHO they are, but because of WHAT they did.
Slightly off-topic, but very interesting: We’re in the Chicago area. To the 8-year old, NY may as well be on the moon, while the 11-year old, it may as well be in the backyard. I don’t think kids have the ability to do perspective, so when explaining this to your children, you should probably take that into consideration.
I can’t really add much to the wonderful insights and advice already given, but since I just got home from my education classes–where we discussed this in detail–I will add the important points I gleaned. Again, most of this is reiteration of above posts.
Tell your child that he is safe. No planes will crash into his home, your work or any other place which he feels close.
(Even if you can’t guarantee this, he needs to know it.)
Explain that here in America we work very hard to make our country a free place–and the people in charge are thinking very hard about how to keep everyone safe. We need to trust our leaders to make good decisions for our welfare–you need to make it clear to your child that you have that trust.
Part of that trust means that the new, strange (to your child) rules that will be a part of flying are there to ensure his safety. ALL the people who have ANYTHING to do with flying planes will be working hard to keep people safe.
Tell your child that here in America, we care very much about each and every person who lives here–and that includes him.
I have three kids, of differing ages and maturity, and my words to them were kept simple. You can make a deep impact on children and let them know the gravity of this situation without traumatizing them. Keep everything simple. Don’t second-guess their responses. Let them ask the questions they need to according to their own development.
(I’ve gone on too long, haven’t I? Sorry.) One last thing–please do not instill in your child a sense of hatred. This is a dangerous temptation. Anger, pain and confusion are perfectly rational feelings for anyone to feel. But hatred is not. It is not what being American is about.
I apologize for spouting off for so long. Thanks,b
I am attempting to get permission to post this here in its entirety, until then here is a link to “Helping Children Cope After a Traumatic Event”. This is at the site for the Children’s Hospital of Cincinnati.
Thanks very much for your help and excellent advice folks. We’ve talked with my son, and it’s gone as well as can be expected. Again, thank you.
If anyone else is looking for advice, http://www.familyeducation.com has some good articles and a live chat with a family therapist tomorrow night (Thursday, 9/13) at 7 PM EST.