What Sid Meier has taught me

Cafe Society
1

I got thinking. Sid has surely, through his wondrous games, taught me quite a lot of world history and life in general.

I mean, from Civ 1 on.

Civ 1 taught me that all of the Africa - and Eurasia, too - is really controlled by Zulus. All that jazz about Zulus being beaten at Rorke’s Drift is just Yankee propaganda. The Green Menace is at us, baby.

Civ 1 also taught me that the development of labor unions was really a good thing. Not for wages or working hours or anything like that - for all that Mechanized Infantry.

Civ 1 taught me we could just start building a space rocket to Alpha Centauri right now - and we could put tens of thousands of people in it and have it go at a respectable fraction of the speed of light and it would land succesfully. I wonder why none of the pussy governments has done it.

Civ 1 taught me that now that we got Electronics, we’re using those Colosseums for entertainment more than ever. Must be quite a boon for Italy, that.

Civ 1 taught me that leaders of the world survive for 6000 years, even in democracies. I wonder why they put up with the charade of pretending to be different leaders.

Civ 1 taught me that people in democratic nations can curse up a storm about troops being sent far away, but when all those troops get killed, people turn content. In other words, democracy makes people news masochists. Vietnam was a diversion, and it’s all controlled by Zulus, anyway.

Civ 1 taught me that colonization is a dangerous business. After all, if a city of size 20 builds a Settler, it means that 200,000 people leave it, but when the city’s established, there are only 10,000 people in there. So, 190,000 people must have died in the way. Truly there must always be some sacrifices for a growing nation.

Civ 1 taught me that travellers were hardy folk in the olden days. After all, no matter you being a little three-town Bronze Age civilization in Greece, the travellers still can tell you about projects undertaken by Aztecs, Zulus and Mongols.

And lastly, Civ 1 taught me that if you’re a warrior spirit, and feel like you’re a fortified on a mountain, there’s nothing that can take you down, not even bombers and battleships.

Then there was good old Colonization. While that, for some reason, omitted all those Zulus, it still taught me many important lessons.

Colonization taught me that no matter how someone hates you, all you have to do to make them like you is destroy their capital. Maybe that only applies to Indians.

Colonization taught me that all those Elder Statesmen of Britain and other countries, doubtless verbally defending the King and Country for dozens of years, become flaming agents of rebellion the moment they set their foot in America. Must be something in the water.

Colonization taught me that artillery shrinks when it’s attacked, and it can’t be repaired, even though ships can.

Colonization taught me that Indians hate criminals when you send them to learn things, but love them when you make them missionaries and send them to convert them. Those inconsistent Indians. No wonder they got exterminated.

Colonization taught me that defeated soldiers never die, they just fade away - and are then captured by other powers and taught to be Sugar Planters.

Then we get to the Civ2. Civ2! Too bad Civ1 had already taught me most of the stuff Civ2 taught me, but there still were some lessons.

Civ 2 taught me that you, too, can wander in jungle fastly - if you just wear skis.

Civ 2 taught me that all the Sioux lived in the places they did battle in with Americans. They probably were human shields, all. Civ 2 also taught me that Sioux are more important a civilization than Arabs because they figured more prominently in American history.

The “Red Front” scenario made by Captain Nemo for Civ 2 taught me that Stalin could have whopped Nazi ass more quickly had he just built cities on all those fortified positions and ferried those positions on Kharkov and Leningrad and other such cities under attack.

I’m sure Alpha Centauri and Civ3 have also taught me something, but their lessons haven’t been so important. Well, except for the one about capitalism making you stupid, at least if you look at the way the AI uses Morganites. What has Sid Meier taught you?

2

I think Saddam’s military strategy was forged by Civ 1. He learned from that game that a fortified pikeman could beat an enemy tank most of the time.

3

Taking out Iraq might have been a strategic error, however. I mean, now that the Babylonians have been conquered, the Zulus are inevitable going to pop up somewhere and kick everybody’s ass.

4

From Civ2 i learnt:

that the pyramids were used by the Egyptians to store grain somehow.

that you can be a lot more productive if you work in the forest.

that there are only two types of government in this world that actually work - Republic and Democracy.

that the “Star Wars” defence system actually works, and it is a myth that its hard to build.

that i had committed to memory the introduction to Shakespeare’s Henry the V by accident - and that this knowledge could be used to impress my English teacher.

that its bloody impossible to start a war if you are a democracy.

from Civ: CtP i learnt:

Fascism rules. :slight_smile:

from Civ3 i learnt:

Exactly why lots of badly thought out mutual protection pacts started WW1.

That there is no feeling better than being at war with every nation on earth because of those stupid pacts…

…and winning :slight_smile:

5

I forgot Railroad Tycoon. That game taught me that no matter what wars are going on, you can still transport anything you want from France to Germany just like that, including armaments.

6

Wow… I usually hated being either a Republic or Democracy cuz it kept me from starting wars with enemies who were building up around my borders or sending too many ships near my port cities.

I’ll take Fundamentalism over any other gov’t any day and just STEAL the technologies that I am forced to develop slowly. :smiley:

7

From Civ II:

That a spy can take out a massive structure like… city walls! Yi-booey!

That an Alpine unit (love those skiers with guns …like the bad guys in a James Bond flick!) holed up in a city with a seawall can resist (and sink!) a battleship.

That a large, modern, sophisticated city with a population of, say, 20 can still only maintain 3 trade routes at a time.

And that city’s airport can only handle one flight per turn.

Given the prominence of temples and cathedrals (in addition to collisseums and, under democracy, courthouses) in quelling discontent, that religion truly is the opiate of the masses.

That railroads apparently run on tracks greased with Flubber[TM] (that is, no movement cost).

That a lowly WWII-era fighter jet can take out a Stealth bomber.

That if only you can get a spy to reach an enemy’s battleship, he can cut it down to half-strength, and he might even survive the mission!

That a battleship can often take 3 or even 4 cruise missile hits before sinking.

That you can nuke a city and generate as little as one square’s worth of pollution, which 2 engineers can tidy up in 1 turn.

That Elvis is, indeed, everywhere.

From Civ III:

Don’t bother to do anything but stay put.

8

From Civ 1 I learned that interstellar space travel will occur in ships made from Erector Sets.

From Civ 2 I learned that advances in medicine will lead to good theater.

I learned that Elvis was in an episode of Riptide :eek: (okay, maybe IMDB taught me that one)

I learned how to say “All the world MAHHH-vels at owa superior intellect Siya!” (which, IMO, ranks right up there with “Want some rye? 'course ya do!”)

I learned from Civ 3 that perfection had already been attained with Civ 2.

9

Civ 3 taught me:

That every civilization from the dawn of time hates America. (Including the ones that were destroyed before the US came along)

That I @#$% hate the Zulu.

Launching a Nuclear strike against a lesser civ will not result in you being voted out of the UN.

All of my people must be hippies, because they sure do protest a lot.

However, if I give them a guy with a fake arrow through the head as entertainment, the forget all about their troubles.

The @#$% Zulu should be shot.

On another note: Sid has also taught me the meaning of patience and inner peace with Civ3: Play the World. Spending 5 hours in a chatroom while trying to get a 2 hour game going certainly gives a man time to reflect.

10

…and don’t get me started on Sim City.

11

The things you learn from Civ are:

Religion keeps people happy.
When you have got the UN, you can wage war and then force everyone to make peace at the end of the turn.

Quite a sarcastic comment on the real world by Sid, but really those were good observations.

12

Civ I:

All the other nations on the planet are a bunch of cheaters. Their triremes can sail an indefinite distance from shore and not cheat. Their caravans don’t actually have to travel from one town to another to establish a trade route.

And, in the final analysis, even Ghandi himself will declare the planet not big enough for the two of us and attack, even if he only has one size 4 city that you’ve kept alive while covering every square inch of the rest of the planet with cities and railroads.

13

Civ III
The computer cheats in battles - it takes 1.5 times as many of the same units for me to match my enemies. The other nations also really hate America. Especially since I am fighting off 8 of them at a time, and am slowly winning. :slight_smile:

While the Zulus are a nasty bunch, the real evil bastard of that game is Gandhi. You sign a peace treaty with him, leave him alone for awhile, bam - he attacks you for know reason.

Also, some relavant Gamespy Daily Victim Links
http://www.gamespy.com/dailyvictim/index.asp?id=540
http://www.gamespy.com/dailyvictim/index.asp?id=492

14

Civ 1:

You won’t have any unhappy people if you change your government to communist.

15

Those last two make sense:

I’m sure Rome does have a newish soccer stadium, and I can certainly vouch for electronics improving college stadiums.

And the medicine for theater thing also makes sense: in England, theaters were all shut down some time before Shakespeare because of the they way they were said to spread diseases. Eventually, the ban was lifted and bug new theaters were made…

Heh. I’m sure those are the official figures!

Mine:

Alpha Centauri:

No matter how dangerous, cruel, and destructive your technology, you WILL be outcompeted by a square mile of fungus.

Mankind’s destiny is to become sentient fungus.

Civ III:

For some reason, men on horses with wooden spears are the most efective military technology ever created.

16

Civ 3 has taught me that it is perfectly normal, hell, expected that every army still has Warriors, Pikemen, and Archers even during the Industrial and Modern Ages, while fighting against Laser-guided cruise missiles, nuclear submarines, and that these fighters miraculously stay alive during the 4,000 year stretch of the game.

17

Civ III taught me that jungles are entirely useless and that one is totally justified in cutting all of them down without fear of any negative repercussions of any kind.

I think they missed a possible cool detail here. Last time I was playing, I thought it might be neat if, once you get to the modern era, you could take half a dozen or so ancient-era units (galley, catapult, pikeman, etc.), move them onto a city, and make a “Museum” out of them for a few extra cultural points. Certainly better than just disbanding something like Immortals that can’t be upgraded to anything else.

18

Civ II taught me that no-one is unhappy under Fundamentalism.

It’s not allowed.

19

I’ve learned that the goal of The Sims is not the same as Leisure Suit Larry and I need to try and remember that.

20

Civ I and II have taught me that you cannot kill a 1 city with a nuke. Don’t know yet with Civ III since I haven’t built a nuke ever in that game.

Civ II has also taught me that if you don’t have nukes, other civilizations will nuke you just for the sheer fun of it :eek: