I have worked at some funerals for fallen soldiers when the family did not want media there. It’s probably easier when you literally have part of an army to keep them out.
Weddings are traditionally public events. And among my friends and relations and church contacts, I’d say it’s quite common to have uninvited people turn up.
Wedding Receptions are invitation-only.
Yup. The whole point about a wedding is that it’s public, in fact. The couple are calling on the community to witness, accept and support their relationship. There’s a certain tension between calling on the community to witness something and at the same time telling them they are not allowed to see it. Barring cases of celebrities who have particular security requirements, etc, weddings in churches or public offices are open to anyone who rocks up. If the law of the jurisdiction concerned permits weddings in private locations, then the owners of the locations concerned can decide who can and who can’t attend. But, for precisely that reason, in many jurisdictions the law regarding weddings will prescribe that they must be celebrated in a place to which the public has access.
Funerals, not so much. You don’t have to have a funeral for someone who has died and, if you choose to, you can decide how private or public it will be.
Note that, legally speaking, it’s not the deceased who decides this. He or she can make his wishes known in advance of the event, obviously, but when the time comes it’ll be the next-of-kin who decide whether there will be a funeral and what kind of funeral it will be. No doubt they’ll attach considerable weight to the views of the deceased, if known, but that’s up to them.
As regards actually turning someone out of the church/chapel/meeting house/funeral home, that’s a matter - legally speaking - for the owner/occupier of the premises concerned.
The deceased can instruct a trusted friend to lie to the unwanted mourner about the time and location of the funeral.
I just remembered, I had to play “strong-arm” bouncer at my Brother-in-Law’s funeral.
What a fucking story that whole nightmare was…
We just had an invitation-only memorial service for my mother. It had to be that way, because the venue had fire laws. We knew where we wanted it to be (her favorite restaurant), and we knew that if we made general announcements, we’d have more people than the building could hold. As it was, the headcount was just 3 under what the manager had told us we were allowed to have. And 5 people who accepted had not shown up, so we actually went a little over on the invitations, expecting many more regrets than we got.
The funeral was totally private as well. Just my brother, my stepfather, and me. My mother did not really want a funeral, and it wasn’t one exactly, more just a “disposition of the body.” Partly that had to do with the fact that my father, when he knew he was dying, planned his funeral to the tiniest detail, and my mother hated every minute of it, but held her tongue, until the very end, when she said to my brother and me “I do not want a funeral.” That was 20 years ago. When she realized she was dying, she repeated that. My brother asked if a memorial service where we celebrated her life would be OK, and she said yes, so we had that. Lots of laughing, and good food, and old friends talking. Plus, open bar. Open mike, open bar. She would have loved it. And no riff-raff.
Seriously, if mourners show up at your funeral, which you planned yourself ahead of time, and are offended by something slightly unconventional you did, they didn’t know you very well after all.
In PA and Delaware at least it can be done and several relatives have done so. It ranges from basically “private - invitation only” to “if Mr X shows up we’re showing him the door in no uncertain terms”. (In our defense we do tend to notify the unwelcome when possible rather than just turn them away at the door) My one uncle – the story gets long but lets say that no-one from the hospital he was last in was welcome at the viewing or funeral. One person tried to attend (administration) and while I stalled him at the door another cousin called the police and had him escorted off the grounds; the funeral director backed our play. Some places could be different but to me any funeral/visitation is a family and friends event and you should be able to decide who is welcome and who is not.
This is pretty much my plan also. No altar, no minister, just my portable PA and reminiscences over barbecue chicken and cornbread.
You can certainly prevent someone from attending your wedding reception , just as you can definitely prevent someone from a funeral luncheon. But whether you can prevent someone from attending the wedding or funeral itself is going to depend on the venue. Is it a church or is the service at the reception venue/funeral home? There are churches with policies that any service is open to members of the congregation or even the general public.Reception venues/funeral homes are less likely to have this policy.
I believe y’all are over thinking this, by a mile. This isn’t that hard to accomplish. When you publish the obit, do not reference a funeral, instead announce there will be a public memorial/life celebration at a future date. Just keep the funeral to a few people who understand it’s hush hush. Now, ‘that’ person awaits a service that isn’t coming and everyone else gets a service without them.
I just attended an event for a man who passed who had been a pillar of the community. A very successful business man, elemental in the largest employer in the city, involved with innumerable good works, well known and much celebrated during his life, but fell into dementia and decline that took years to play out. While his family was aware of the many hundreds of people who would need the closure, the last thing they needed was those hundreds all asking hard questions on possibly the hardest day of their lives. They didn’t want to deny his public life, but needed a funeral just for immediate family.
They simply announce a private funeral and a public event the following week, in the obit.
Have your funeral before you are dead.
Even simpler; don’t publish an obituary.
One of the cousins actually did that. He basically knew he was in the final months after a long battle with cancer and wanted one last party before he got to ill to enjoy it. So he sent invitations to his “FUNeral” and did it up right. He was dressed in his best suit, carried a daisy over his head, laid on a table while we all talked about how natural and good he looked ------ ton of other stuff. It really was one of the greatest funerals I ever attended. When he did pass it was a simple thing with just his siblings and siblings-in-laws at the cemetery. Something like that wouldn’t fly in most families; in ours it went just fine.
Nansbread1, I don’t have any advice for you, but I’m so very sorry you’re in this position. Hugs.
Unfortunately, we were having make plans for this contingency in our family.
If it’s a small funeral, then having the owner of the establishment tell the people to leave should be sufficient.
In our case, the person in question can be quite persistent so we were considering have private security for the funeral. Not a lot of fun. :mad:
It looks like that may not be necessary now. I hope so.
You can look at having your desires made into your will and then have the division be contingent on having your wishes followed. You will need to consult with a real attorney for that, though.