I’m sorry 2001, but I can’t remember if you have kids or not.
Sorry my response isn’t longer, I’ve been rather caught up in the “spin-off” threads on this topic…
I’d imagine that most abusive parents either
a) believe that their only true responsibility was to feed, clothe, and shelter the kids, and anything other than that was being ‘taken’ from them, and abuse was their retaliation
b) didn’t want kids in the first place, and took out anger/resentment on the kids
c) have other issues, and use their dominance over kids as an anchor for a life wherein they are at the mercy of circumstance
d) have an unrealistic view of kids and their spectrum of behavior (i.e. spilling a glass of milk was so heinous that the habit must be beaten out of the child)
In none of these situations does it seem as though the parent is concerned about a relationship with the child at all. it’s a very self-centered POV.
And btw- I am not offended the calling of my parenting into question (so long as it is constructive)- I do it every day. I may not know how much my kids fear me, but they must do a heck of a job covering it up. It’s close to 50/50 when it comes to initiating interaction- they come to me with an activity about as much as I do them, if not more. That they seek out my company and/or advice seems like evidence that I am not a completely odious human being (especially in the case of my soon to be teenage stepson, who is starting to pull away in general).
My kids don’t fear me- but they do fear punishment. That’s a very important distinction. There are plenty of things that seem fun to me, but that I don’t do out of fear of punishment. That does not mean that I fear policement, judges, or other figures of authority, though i do respect them.