Things are not getting done in a satisfactory manner
Because I’m shy and I like to sleep naked?
Given that I’m left handed that would be a bit rich
Strange. How do you know what is going on behind a closed door?
This is the real crux of the issue -
I don’t think that being on social media all night and then sleeping all day on a regular / ongoing basis is a healthy lifestyle.
I see it as part of being a parent to teach healthy habits,
Nothing I’ve ever seen allows me to associate this pattern of behaviour as being healthy.
this young lady is a “star” - she’s very consistently at the top of her year group in the biggest school in our region. In her last standardised test she was in the top 10% of the country. Getting her schoolwork done is not the metric I want to see her measured by.
I have real issues with “coasting”,
I have real issues with things becoming habit that are not things we want to cultivate. And one of these is living the lifestyle of people that I don’t want to emulate
You gotta know there’s not a parent of a teen alive who hasn’t seen this. It’s common and probably normal.
Pick your battles with this teen. This is a mild problem. There are so many worse things she could be doing.
ETA: I assume you own her devices. Take them away from her at night. Give her a book to read.
So, wag your finger at her and say in a stern voice, “This is not something that I will allow to be propagated!”
Sounds to me like you may have control issues. And, WAG, maybe she’s sleeping late in order to annoy you, rebel, and assert her individuality. There are much worse ways she could be doing so.
Why? What chores are we talking about, and why must they be done at that time of day?
Exactly. This reminds me of my ex, whom my kids live with. She didn’t like the fact that my son was up until 12 playing computer games. She actually watched him for 9 hours straight, just so she could tell me he played computer games on a Saturday for 9 hours straight. Hell, I’ve played games that long on a weekend.
I tried to tell her “He’s home, in his room playing games. He’s not doing drugs, or sneaking out, or causing trouble. What’s the big deal?”
I still hear how he is playing computer games all day :rolleyes:
She’s 15. The days of teaching her by imposing your will on her are over. You are now merely on the role of advisor and counselor when she chooses to consult you. The sooner you face up to this, the happier you will be.
This This is huge for these kids. I have a 14 and a 16 year old. I’m trying to be pretty gentle with them. They can sleep in and then they have to check online for their schoolwork and do it. Maybe one small chore a day. They’ve been almost completely cut off from their friends, their activities, the little bit of independence they had. They’re hearing horrible, scary things in the news…my 16 year old heard a quick news item the other day about how a guy left his (youngish) wife, who had coronavirus, in the kitchen and when he came back she was dead on the floor. It scared the crap out of him. They’re scared, and sad, and probably pretty angry that this is what their doing right now. Give her a break.
Then that’s what you tell them.
Don’t you think that affects how she feels?
But you seem to have the same “she must conform to my ways” attitude.
It is potentially wayyyyyy too late for that no matter what you do. If she is genetically predisposed to DSPD, you allowed it to be propagated when you got her mother pregnant. As much as you associate it with moral failings there is a real prospect that we are talking about is a simple mix of how she was born with the extra sleep needs of a teen.
If she told you she was gay would you take the same approach? Would you not be willing to let her behaviors be propagated? Would you be moralizing against her behaviors and asking us for advice on how to convert her to being straight? That is effectively what your approach is now. The predisposition towards later sleep schedules is just as strong.
All of the arguments (aside from being a night owl) here so far have amounted to
“let her do what she wants”
Nobody has suggested that a up to 11 or more hours of sleep a night is healthy, or that being on a schedule of sleeping at 2 or 3 am is healthy or desirable
On the other hand, there is a wealth of information that links too much sleep and poor sleep habits to health and mental problems.
She’s welcome to do whatever she likes with her time - go to sleep at time that suits her, I’m ok with that. She’s also welcome to spend her time in the evenings doing whatever she wants.
My quid pro quo is that I expect her up in the mornings, being helpful and productive
No, I don’t think anyone is saying “let her do what she wants”
You seem to be bothered by what people are doing in their own room with the door closed depending on what time of day it is.
she’s 15. Your time of controlling that behavior is over. Set some rules in your house “Vacuum the living room by 10 AM” or whatever. Of course, have a reason why it needs to be vacuumed by 10 AM other than “Because I said so”
It’s too late to micromanage a 15 year old.
Sounds like this will be a self-correcting problem.
Is she actually sleeping 11+ hours a night? You said that you don’t actually know when she’s going to sleep:
What you aren’t paying attention to here is those of us who are noting that her life has been turned upside-down. You’re fixated on your belief that sleeping in is a sign of moral failure, and as being the first step on a slippery slope to a ruined future.
Personally, were it my kid? I would have a talk with her and see what’s going on. If she otherwise seems mentally okay, then I would leave her the hell alone.
When I was her age, I was up early. I simply couldn’t sleep in until past even 8:30 a.m. or so. But many of my friends would routinely sleep in until 11 a.m or even noon on weekends and holidays. And these weren’t some do-nothing jackasses. This was the salutatorian of our high school, for one. Plus a lot of other highly accomplished students.
My only concern is that is that if this was a great disruption from her normal sleep schedule, to talk to her and find out, as best as I can from a fifteen-year-old, because they’re not known for being candid and open. But I wouldn’t force her to be up just because it makes me feel lonely in the house or whatever. I don’t blame her for wanting to sleep in these days. Hell, I would if I could (and I do to some extent – last weekend I went to bed at 8 p.m. and slept in until 8 a.m. I needed the mental relief.)
If you don’t want her to be on social media all night, put all the phones on chargers in a public place by 11. That’s a perfectly fine restriction.
If you’re ready to do housework before the kids are ready to do housework, just find them some things to do that you don’t have to be involved in. Kick back with a beer or something while they’re raking the lawn at four in the afternoon… you already did *your *bit.
If it just makes you uncomfortable to even know that they’re there sleeping till the ‘wrong’ time … that’s kind of a ‘you’ thing, not a ‘them’ thing. If you need to make noise, make noise - if they really need to sleep, they can sleep through it
For me, early on, I thought it was normal that I’d lay awake in bed for hours after going to bed at midnight. I couldn’t *will *myself to fall asleep earlier. So I just suffered with the sleep deprivation and tried to make it up on the weekend. Today, I sleep extremely well now that I can choose my schedule.
If your daughter doesn’t have some form of DSPD (due to youth or otherwise), then she’ll be able to easily switch back to an early schedule when necessary. If not–well, then she’ll have to suffer like I did. No point in depriving her of sleep now just because she might have to wake up early at some later point.
You don’t seem to be very clear on whether your daughter is sleeping 11+ hours a night (probably a bit much), or sleeping normally but going to bed late. There’s nothing abnormal about sleeping from, say, 3-12.
That’s part of it…if she is only getting 6-8 hours of sleep a night because she’s social media-ing instead of sleeping, I want her to feel the pain of that.
Decisions on what to do and when to do it have consequences, and time needs to be managed.
Like strangelove and I have said, when school or something that matters happens again, she will definitely feel the pain then. Why cause her undue pain now over your pettiness?