Bill Bryson lists a bunch of taxes he would support, because they are on things he doesn’t like: male jewellery, stupid ponytails, carrying open umbrellas after the rain stops, texting while walking, earphone music leakage, tattoos on knuckles, having an irritatingly small dog, vending machines that don’t give change, and answering a question by saying “How long is a piece of string?”
My list would differ. What whimsical taxes would you introduce if you could?
From Popeye:
The Tax Man : Well, first of all, there’s 17¢ new-in-town tax, and there’s 45¢ rowboat-under-the-wharf tax, and one dollar leaving-your-junk-lying-around-the-wharf tax, so all together, you owe the Commodore $1.87.
Popeye : Uh, who’s this Commodore?
The Tax Man : Is that the nature of question? There’s a nickel question tax.
** The Tax Man : You moved out of the Oyl?*
Popeye : None of your business!
The Tax Man : Four dollars twenty-five cents, movin’ out tax.
Popeye : Nuts to you and nuts to your taxes!
The Tax Man : You moved in here?
Popeye : What’s it look like?
The Tax Man : Five dollars twenty-five cents, movin’ in tax.
Popeye : Don’t forget: double nuts!
Smoking in Public= $25
Having a truck jacked up so you need a ladder= $100
Driving a vehicle that gets less that 10MPG over the speed limit= $100 per MPH
Calling a trilby a fedora= internet ban.
People who “multitask” on the phone while watching a movie with you- $1 per “What happened/what did they say” and $2 per “rewind it-I missed that scene”.
Throwing out unopened expired food. Rebate applied to any product that you actually open, look at and smell and determine that it is not fresh.
Young people who only listen to today’s music, while never checking out music of the past.
Tax all Confederate Monuments.
Problem solved.
I would repeal all sin taxes, replacing the revenue with various virtue taxes.
Volunteer delivering Meals On Wheels? Pay a tax on that! Read to the blind? Tax! Generally pleasant demeanor? How can you afford the tax bill?!
Tax annoying phrases. Normal boring people rate: 50¢ per use. Politicians, talking heads, sports figures, or other high-profile users: $5 per use.
At the end of the day…
The other side of the aisle…
Working hard or hardly working?
It is what it is…
Think outside the box…
I know there are more but I have managed to block them out at the moment.
In defense of young people, they hear the old stuff whenever they shop and thus associate it with “old people” music. I’ve heard Led Zeppelin play in Walmart. I’ve had young kids tell me that they heard a good song while shopping and never knew who it was. Sad yes, but not a taxable situation IMHO.
I’d tax lap dances at strip clubs. That a no boner, eh I mean no brainer.
Tax legislation that is introduced, that doesn’t get passed. Encourage bi-partisanship.
There should be a severe tax for neighbors that put up wind chimes. They must pay for ruining my sleep!
Only if we also tax old people who don’t listen to new music.
Frivolous lawsuits.
Making or using things that beep. Exception allowed for things that beep because they otherwise might actually run over somebody, but only for doing so in situations in which this is possible.
Telemarketing calls should be at least $3 each.
Any louder-than-stock muffler should be taxed $2,000. The proceeds can subsidize quieter mufflers or public transportation.
Anyone saying “I don’t see color” is taxed $500. There would be an exemption for blind people.
It should cost $10 to post a product review that says, “I would give it zero stars if I could” or to complain about shipping.
Maybe it’s the Scottish in me, but I do have a hard time convincing my wife and daughter that “best before” does not necessarily mean “bad after”.
Tax businesses that display an Open sign or have their Open lights on when they’re closed.
Junk mail, taxed at $5 per page. $4 to the mail recipient, $1 to the man who empties my recycling bin.
$50,000 tax on beagles.
Extra tax on any company that has 10 or more people in full time positions for the same role without also having part time positions.
Tax on message board posts that don’t attempt to solve some world problem. $100 per character including spaces.