I’ve actually been in this situation before. Planned my suicide months in advance.
Nothing I did was too wild, honestly. Regardless of how dead I was, others weren’t going to be, so I wasn’t going to do anything nasty to anyone. I also did a pretty terrible job of being generally hedonistic. It’s just not in my nature.
I did cut all my hair off. It was maybe a half-inch long. And I pierced my lip. I love the lip piercing and am glad I got it done. The haircut is growing out and I miss my long hair, but go back and forth on the idea of cutting it short again (though longer than I cut it before) versus letting it grow out.
And for a few days, I ate what I wanted. This was a big thing, as we were quite poor and couldn’t afford much in the way of fun things or extras and any extras I could afford went to my partner, not me. I went and got myself some avocados and savored them. It was stupid, but I felt so absolutely free wandering through the grocery store knowing I could have anything I wanted. I got her an expensive steak. I got some candy and diet root beer. We went out to eat and had sushi one night and it was fantastic.
I quit my job. But I did a really bad job of it because I wanted to be able to afford my bit of final partying and I did have to support my family up to the end. So my last day of work was going to literally be about three days before I was going to make the jump. I asked someone to fill in for me the last day because I wasn’t going to be around to collect my last paycheck, so working was pointless.
I rented a hotel… but it was the wrong hotel. It was a stupid error. I meant to get a room at the Four Seasons, which is very tall and jump-off-able, but accidentally got a room at the place right next to it. Which is only 8 floors. It was a nice place, though- nicer than I would have been able to afford otherwise. And I spent a couple nights there pretending I was worth something, I guess… sleeping in a really soft bed and looking out the big window at the river and such.
And I did try heroin. It wasn’t for me. It was readily available, though, so I gave it a try.
Aside from that… I really was okay with not having done everything I hadn’t done. It was a very weird, very sad time in that I was going to die and that was all I really, honestly wanted. The rest was hollow. It was a sweet idea, I guess. But I didn’t enjoy it like I had hoped because I was… and kind of am… beyond really enjoying anything. The biggest thrills were the big, soft beds and the sushi and avocado. And the sweet relief and finality of things like looking at the expiration dates on cartons of milk and knowing… or believing, anyway… that I wouldn’t be around to see the milk expire. Or only filling my gas tank halfway because that was all I was going to need. Or going to the movies and seeing posters for movies with dates I didn’t expect to see.
I really wish I had gone through with it, honestly.
