What's the dumbest thing you ever heard in a job performance review?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

I was told I’m too quiet during staff meetings. Our staff meetings used to degenerate very rapidly into mudslinging, back-biting, accusations, hurt feelings, crying, door slamming, resignations, etc., etc. So I would sit there quietly and draw and try very hard not to get sucked in. So my supervisor put in my PE that I was too quiet during staff meetings. I told her bluntly it was because I was trying to avoid all that crap, but her response was that I should try to be the voice of reason and maybe my ideas would keep the meetings from getting so ugly. Helloooooo, you’re the one in charge here, isn’t it your job to nip these things in the bud before the meetings get out of hand? Sigh

“I hope life isn’t a big joke, because I don’t get it,” Jack Handy

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42

Oh, you had Ted? No, wait, you used the feminine pronoun…

Ted complained first that everyone was taking lunch from 1 to 2, leaving the office understaffed. Then Ted complained that some individuals were not taking their lunches between 12 and 2, and he insisted that everyone take lunch in that time range and not later or earlier. (His recurrent hypothetical example was everyone suddenly taking lunch from 4 to 5, leaving the office empty at the end of the day and folks going home early). So, eventually a day comes when Ted worries that not enough people are going out to lunch at 12 and will all leave at 1, so he asks “When are you going to lunch, 12 or 1?” “I’m going to leave for lunch around 12:20”, I say, estimating the time it will take to finish the tasks I’m working on. Well, you guessed it: new policy is that everyone MUST take lunch EITHER from 12 until 1 OR 1 until 2, those are the ONLY permissible lunch time blocks!

Then there were the sign-in sheets. One sheet (sheet #1) hung on the wall and we were to sign in when we arrived at the office, and sign out when we had left for the day. The other sheet, at the receptionist’s desk (sheet #2), was where one would sign out for lunch (yeah, we had to do that) or other out-of-office tasks. But sometimes we scheduled a home visit or court escort that began at the start of the day or lasted until the end of the day, causing us to fail to be present at the office to sign in or out on sheet #1, so we would sign in the day before or sign out in advance. Ted goes ballistic: “You are NOT to sign in the day before if you are out in the field the next morning. You are to sign that you are out of the office on sheet #2, anticipating your return time. On sheet #1, you sign your actual return time. If you are going to a home visit and think you might not return, you sign out for the day on sheet #1 and put entries on sheet #2 that you will be doing a home visit from that time until the end of the day.” Drove the accountant nuts, since sheet#1 was useless to compute the hours for which we had worked as opposed to being out charged as vacation or sick time — for every entry, sheet#2 had to be examined as well.

I had a coworker who said he went to sit at the database computer desk to look something up and happened to notice the little clip-on fan was disgustingly clotted with dust and mung, so he unclipped it and tonked it several times against a nearby open trash can before being willing to sit in front of it with it blowing on him. Ted sees this and runs over, “Let me show you how”. He then unclips the security cover, finds a spray bottle of sink cleaner from the bathroom, sprays each blade on both sides, and wipes it clean, repeating process for both sides of the security cover, then oils the fan shaft, explaining that the cleanser could dilute the lubricant and wear out the bearings. He concludes by saying to my coworker, “So…we don’t give you enough to do so you have to go around cleaning the fans?”

The secretary once was interrupted after Ted saw her using the electrical pencil sharpener. He stated that she would chew up all his pencils the way she used it. He then proceeded to demonstrate the proper use of the pencil sharpener on 5 consecutive pencils and then had her sharpen an entire box while he watched to make sure her pencil-sharpening technique was down pat.

The entire agency was shut down a few months later, not because of flagrant abuse of sign-in sheets, pencil sharpeners, or fan cleaning techniques, but because his immediate assistant, the supervision of whom was one of his genuine responsibilities, was caught siphoning off charitable monies and creating fictional clients to designate as the recipients.

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43

Dumbest thing? Gee, that’s a tossup.

First, our reviews are a total waste of time. We used to be rated on a scale of 1 to 9 (nine being best). If you gave someone a 6, you had to give someone a 4. Give someone a 1, somebody has to be a 9. Everybody got a 5. Do good, do bad, doesn’t matter, you get a 5. We made up a die that had 5 dots on all six sides, and called it our performance review randomizer. “What’s my rating? (roll the die) Oh, my gosh, a FIVE” (applause applause). The reviews are made up of individual appraisals, and they go through each category and give you glowing reviews, a 6 here, a 7+ there, an 8, the lowest you get is a 5, and the average is…a 5! We just laugh.

Then they changed our system. We are now rated from 1(best) to 5(worst). We all get…(drum roll)…a 3. We took our die and some liquid paper and cheezily opaqued-over two of the corner dots and it still works. A couple years ago we were asked to evaluate ourselves, and one guy gave himself a 2. “Why did you evaluate yourself a 2?” “Because these were my goals, and I exceeded them by 20%” “Well, the company didn’t make their goal, so you didn’t make your goal, either.” Amazing.

One year one of the managers went home sick, because someone put a list of “funniest things on performance reviews” on her chair, and she thought they were talking about HER, and got all offended.

What scares me is that there are pointy-haired bosses in every company all over the country.

44

Oh, I thought of another one. I was working at a Salvation Army thrift store (on a trial basis if you can believe that) and on the last day of the trial period the manager fired me. Her sole reason? “You don’t seem like you’re enjoying it.” What do you mean, I queried. She said I didn’t seem to enjoy lifting the bags of clothes and donations. I said that was true, I didn’t much care for it (they weighed 50-75 pounds on average). But, she said, you don’t act like you do. So I was fired from the Salvation Army for not being able to lie convincingly.

45

I was told once in a review that I was too sensitive.
Then when I got upset, I was told that I take things too personally.

Go figure!

46

“Sometimes we looked for you outside of working hours and you weren’t here.”

Director of Human Resources: “Fifteen years of excellent performance evaluations? That just means your boss liked the way you combed your hair.”

Director of Human Resources: “I’ll review your employee file but I warn you, it’ll be subjective.”

“You’re never going anywhere.”

The smartest thing I ever heard in a performance review? “There should never be any surprises in a performance review”.

47

Maybe it’s because until recently, I’ve been working temp jobs, and was therefore making a first impression every day, but I’ve been disciplined for eating at my desk, having the newspaper at my desk, and putting on lipstick at my desk. So I don’t do anything at my desk except work.

And AHunter, I hear you about the lunch hours. I once had a job that was supposed to be permanent but lasted two full days and the first hour of a third. I was shouted at to take my lunch precisely from 12 to 1. The job ended because one of the two owners picked an argument with me and I didn’t respond as I should, meaning I backed down. They were a car repossession company, and the forced argument was part of their selection process, so they could gauge how an employee would deal with a belligerent debtor. I didn’t stand up to the boss, so I didn’t have what it took. Well, I would have been miserable there anyway. They also didn’t want me to wear long skirts because they were “inappropriate”; meanwhile, my supervisor was showing 18 cubic feet of cleavage.

Remember, I’m pulling for you; we’re all in this together.
—Red Green

48

Two years ago I was given a promotion and a huge raise, like 30%, during a reorganization.

Last year, no raise, which was fine with me cuz I really think I’m overpaid anyhow, but then the boss had to open his mouth and tell me why.

Seems that our Service Award Program, which had been my responsibility several years ago, and was then given to someone else in the re-org, had fallen behind. They gave it back to me, and it was my job to get caught up again. (It was on schedule when I had it the first time.)

Trouble is, the company wouldn’t write the one big check necessary to accomplish the catch-up – they gave me the money in little trickles so as not to alert the corporate bigwigs that we were even doing this program. (We’re not supposed to be rewarding people for just hanging around for so many years.)

So the program doesn’t get caught up cuz they don’t give me the money to spend on a program that they don’t even believe in – so that’s why there was no raise for me last year.

Wonder what excuse they’ll use this year.

Maybe working too many Saturdays without pay. Or taking too much work home. Or doing too much manual communication cuz the systems stopped working.