I was born on October 14, 1981, precisely 15 years after the inauguration of the Montreal metro system, and 399 years after a date in 1582 which due to the intervention of Pope Gregory did not take place.
I’ll guess you’ve heard of me.
One score and six years ago…
So there I was, explaining to the nurse that the blanky was too warm, I had an uncomfortable wet feeling in that place down there, and besides, I wanted my num-nums. As always, she pretended not to understand me. I resolved to begin planning my escape then and there…
The bright lights inspired a kind of deja vu, the kind of deja vu that reminds you that, as surely as the last time, parading around on the roof, wearing only chaps, with the express intention of attracting anal-probing inter-galactic visitors is a Bad Idea. But I digress.
But the first line to Chapter One of a book I wrote when I was 19-20.
Chapter 1: Call me Kumar
In Sanskrit, “kumar” means “bachelor”, which carries a prudish Indian undertone of ‘one who must not be trusted sexually.’ Why any parent would choose such name for their firstborn son is beyond me.
My life is barely interesting enough TO ME to make it worth writing down. What’s your excuse for reading about it?
After a long and peaceful life, replete with riches and happiness, I now set cursor to screen to regale you with my wondrous tale of how an unknown computer drone suddenly, after youth was gone and middle age approaching, achieved fortune and fame behind his wildest dreams. The secret of his success is hereby being revealed to you, the reader, for the low price of $29.99. Compact discs describing the suggested mental exercices (as described in chapters 2, 10, 22 and 66) are available at your local book store or downloadable from our web site. Please have your credit card handy.
(My autobiography starts there, I think. I’m sort of linear- hate too many flashbacks.)
Wally! I want to buy your autobiography!
Coldfire, when is your’s going to be made into a movie?
Oldbroad, Great opening line!
Wally! I want to buy your autobiography!
Coldfire, when is your’s going to be made into a movie?
Oldbroad, Great opening line!
Like everything else in my life my child hood was marked by periods of boredom. I hoped those periods would pass but they didn’t. They just blended into a long tableau of sameness interrupted by moments of interest. I will make it easy on you by concentrating on the good parts.
Keith
The road to hell is paved smooth as ice to a soul in fluffy cotton slippers. No matter how comfortable the slippers are though, it’s good to realise the road is also paved downwards! One only realises these types of things when one has reached the bottom though, so listen carefully to a tale that will make you think again before you place your next foot upon the path that leads from outside the doorway of your shelter…
“Careful? Was my mother being careful when she stabbed me in the heart with a coathanger before I was even born.”
“It was a dark and stormy night…”
There once was a man from Nantuck…
"Roquefort? This is Gorgonzola!"
– Uke the Hack (thanks, Shirl, I love you too)
“It was the best of times. It was the blurst of times.”
I can’t believe I survived long enough to write this…