I was deeply troubled to read about the scheduled interview with Princess Diana by mediums to be shown on US cable TV as a pay-per-view. So troubled, that I have decided to save the good American viewers money by giving them an exclusive preview of the message that Diana will share with us from the other side. I call upon the mystical powers of Telling The Suckers What They Want To Hear to reveal these shocking facts even before they happen on the programme!! Remember, you heard them first on the Straight Dope!
Diana is very proud of her sons.
She was deeply in love with Dodi and they now live together. She is happy now.
-She doesn’t hate Charles, even after all the horrid things the royal family does. She loves everyone.
-She feels that she was misunderstood in life and no-one really knew the real her.
-She was far smarter than people thought.
-She is upset that she never got to complete her mission of peace and love throughout the world, particularly for children.
-While being very anti-war, she will dodge any possibility of being controversial about current events.
-She will strongly believe that we should all love one another.
-She now hangs out with a mixture of worthy dead people in heaven. She will mention a mixture of Americans and British people that Americans will have heard of and approve of. She will not mention anyone that the average American viewer might not have heard of.
-She is a celebrity even in heaven. Mother Teressa regularly consults with her over cosmic do-gooding plans.
-She wants everyone to buy her good psychic medium friends’ books. They will continue her mission of peace and love, particularly for children, as long as people pay them.
Anyone else have some messages from Princess Diana they wish to share with us?
She told me that even though she still loves Dodi a lot, she was having a thing on the side with JFK JR. Dodi was pissed when he found out but he eventually forgave her.
*All Paparazzi should be rounded up, leashed and unequivocably SHOT if they misbehave.
*It should be illegal to trespass on private property to take pictures of poeple (with telescopic lenses )in the privacy of their own homes for the express use of selling newspapers, magazines, book contracts and interviews.
*Images not taken in public areas are the express explicit and sole property of subject (NOT the photographer) and its use and distribution controlled by the subject.
It should be illegal to take pictures of anyone without their permission unless for use in law enforcement or private use. Reselling or distribution of these images should be forbidden.
But the MAIN thing I really want to know is… was her limo REALLY driving at such high speeds so she could get to the video store and rent Howard Stern’s “Private Parts.”
Psychics are the only true link between the living and the dead. Every living person should make an effort to use a psychic in contacting thair lost relatives.
The very BEST psychics are on this program, and while they are quite expensive to hire, they are well worth it.
The Queen Mother was too busy chatting with Gandhi and Jesus to participate in this program, but the three of them will do another show with the psychics next month.
The psychics have assured her that much of the proceeds for this pay-per-view event will go to support children injured by landmines.
I’ve forgiven my butler Paul Burrell of everything. He was right all along and should be given a weekly American TV show. Maybe one of the mediums here could be persuaded to go on it too, and I could let everyone know what’s really happening in the world’s hearts.
While it was lovely being British and royalty and everything. If I came back to the world I would be one of the ordinary people, very like the viewers of this show, and American, because they are obviously the nicest people. This is because, deep down, I was always a nice, ordinary person.
Although the Queen Mum and I hated the sight of each other while in the mortal world, we have since descovered that we are both beautiful people and are great friends. We have lots to say that will solve all the world’s problems, even those little personal ones, and with the right medium you can hear us.
Some mean-spirited people have been pretending to talk to me. Don’t listen to them, I always ignore them. Only the people here in this studio really know the real me and are telling the truth.