I have the same reaction to whatever they used to use to tenderize meat at Arthur’s steakhouse. The way I discovered this was on a night back in the 90’s when my band was playing our first gig at Maxwell’s in Hoboken. Our guitar player had the idea to have a steak at Arthur’s right before the gig. Arthur’s was at Washington and 3rd. Maxwell’s was at Washington and 11th. It was the longest 8 block walk of my life and by 9th street I didn’t think I’d make it. The bathroom at Maxwell’s wasn’t exactly commodious, and I destroyed it. I proceeded to the stage as if nothing had happened and we began our first set with me praying that the worst of it was over. About 10 minutes in I had to fart, and there was no way I was going to trust it and end up shitting myself on stage in front of 100-150 people. It’s a good thing I play bass because I stood stock still and didn’t move a step for the next 45 minutes. I went back to the bathroom, which no one had cleaned up since round 1 so I hovered. Fortunately, it was just a fart, but when I walked out I went over to the bartender and quietly told him that some degenerate had completely shitted up the stall in the men’s room.
ETA: I guess that counts as my second too - but I still think the first one is funnier.
After my gallbladder was evicted, I came up with the phrase “clench-cheeked run-waddle”.
You can’t run because yeah, it will break the seal. But you need to move as fast as possible.
I was working at an office at the time, and did the CCRW quite a few times. No disasters, luckily. I was giving another worker a ride, 3 days a week, and I can imagine the eyebrows raised if I went into her cubicle at 11 AM and said “we need to leave. Now”.
As a side note: in the past few years, the very rare “shart” has become a chronic issue with diarrhea - of the sort that takes you from “maybe…” to “too late” in literally the time it takes to stand up. I’ve thrown out a lot of underwear. I’m on meds for it and the meds help, a LOT, but still the occasional “breakthrough” happens - a bad day here or there. A couple of years back, I had a bad evening. Not unusual. Then another bad day. OK, normally I don’t have 2 in a row. And ANOTHER bad day…
Yes, it took me a FULL WEEK to realize I was actually SICK. “Dumbass” has never been more apropos than when I use it to describe myself that week. Basically when I realized I wasn’t peeing any more, I knew - and took action. Imodium and LOT of fluids and I felt better for 36 hours. Then the Imodium wore off and I headed to the ER.
This didn’t happen to anyone I know personally but I feel compelled to share it. In his book Planet Funny - How Comedy Took Over Our Culture, Ken Jennings presents a list of the half dozen “really funny” anecdote-worthy experiences of his lifetime.
Number 5 on the list: “Duct tape/pubic hair misunderstanding”
That’s all he says about it.
If this post doesn’t really qualify for the thread, don’t read it.
