When a loved one thinks your talent/accomplishment is worthless

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

I shudder at the thought of giving my husband a poem. I’m already more than slightly neurotic about gift giving since childhood. “You really like it? You do? You’re sure? If you’re not sure… But you’re sure? Okay. I’m so glad. I picked it out because of the color. And you’re sure? I knew you would like it. You do like it, right? I’m glad.”

What’s funny is I actually do write in rhyme quite a lot. The only reason I ever asked him to read my work is that I was trying to write things that were accessible to literate people who don’t read poetry. Which is a really stupid target audience, I have to admit. Rather like trying to sell cars to people who don’t drive.

22

Poetry is pretty inaccessible these days to most people. Even many smart ones have a difficult time with it. If you wanted to choose an endeavour that brings out that type of behavior, that would be in the top three behind modern painting and sculpture.

That said, I don’t think it is right for him to act like that especially because it is so important to you. It took my wife a while to learn when she should just say pleasantries about something I did even if she doesn’t appreciate it. I flat out told her to smile and say “That’s very nice!” if there was something in this category that she didn’t particularly like. I had to stop her and remind her to lie a few times before she caught on but it eventually worked. You might think that would create an artificial effect but you know what is going on anyway and just getting rid of the comments is a great help.

23

This thread really hits home to me.

I write a bit myself. I showed a story to a close relative some time ago and the reaction I got was, essentially, “needs work.” I never showed that person another one.

Recently, I had a short story accepted for publication, a fact of which I was very proud. The relative: “How come you didn’t show it to me/ tell me you were trying to do this???”

:rolleyes:

24

Excellent. Congratulations.

And thanks for the replies, everyone. I feel like I’ve gotten things back into perspective. Thanks for not telling me I was just being a whiner. That means a lot.

25

If this is just one area where he’s not supportive, and he’s in other ways a great guy and kind to you, it’s probably just that it’s not his thing and all that. If, however, he doesn’t support you in any thing you do on your own, and/or he belittles you on a noticeable basis, then you should take action. I do wonder if your claim to not need much supporting is based on his unwillingness to support.

26

I’m also not going to stick up for the behavior, you know what constitues a dig from your SO better than strangers on the internet ever could, however with that caveat in place…

People do art for one of two reasons. One is because they have to express what they have to express for their own reasons, sanity, and pleasure. The other is to exhibit it, which can be a rather harrowing experiance. Why do *you * write poetry? Do you just have the urge to commit thoughts and feelings to paper, or do you want to express something to the world at large?

If your art isn’t exhibitionist by design, then keep it as your own. Nobody will ever get from it what you get from it. If, however, you do it to provoke response from other people, get used to disappointment. Van Gough was considered a hack in his own day after all.

27

Thanks, JSG. :o :slight_smile:

28

Some of it is, not all. What I try to write is stuff that accessible to most people, and I’ve had some success at it. What are song lyrics but poetry, anyway?

In any case, I like your solution. :slight_smile:

29

My husband is an artist. Sometimes I like his paintings, sometimes not. It gets very hard, because there is a lot about art I don’t understand (but I know what I like!), and I have tried to understand it, but it doesn’t make some of his stuff look any better to me. I don’t think it’s worthless, but . . . I don’t know what to say about it.

Meanwhile, I also do some painting and drawing, and he gives me tips, and doesn’t always like what I do either.

I’m also a writer. He is not my first critiquer. I have other people that I’m less involved with to lay waste to my first drafts (not that I take first drafts to my critique group). A big problem came when he wrote a novel. I offered some suggestions, and they were good suggestions and the same kind of thing I would have said to anyone in my writing group. I had good things to say, too. But to my husband? This became something we couldn’t talk about. For–I don’t know–five years. (Meanwhile he went online and found some Critters there, and they said the same things I’d said only not nearly as politely but that was okay, he wasn’t going to be cooking dinner for them).

It’s a very delicate area. The important thing seems to be that we don’t necessarily understand or appreciate each other’s creations (or all of them) but we support the activity in other ways, and don’t knock it.

Also, if you write poetry, you might as well call yourself a poet and be proud of it.

30

I don’t like poetry. The only time I read anything in verse is when it’s a versed play or something written by a friend. Or sagas. Gee, I guess I do read some poetry after all, but I only like it if it tells a story; it’s the story I find interesting, rather than whether the meter “checks”.

But when the friend asks for my opinion, I make sure to begin by pointing out that poetry is not my thing therefore I’m not the best critic for it; I ask questions (which my uncle once said had helped him) and make sure to point at least one thing that made an impression (poetry is about feelings, if a poem is supposed to be terrifying and you say “oh that one was so cute” - you didn’t get it!). Does your husband like anybody’s poetry?

One reason I always make a point, when doing any kind of criticism, to say at least one good thing, is that my parents were the kind who were never satisfied. You know, like that time I got 100% on a course in college (no grade curve, next-highest grade was in the 70’s) and my parents remark was “guess you can do something right when you set your mind on it, but what about the rest, eh?” #3 of 210 was Not Good Enough.

In my case, I learned to say “fuck 'em”. Partly, after this incident:

I had been in college for a year when I got that 100. The remark I mentioned before was over the phone, so when Dad picked me up from the train I was expecting the usual barked “we have to talk”, followed by a couple days of tension and the usual half an hour of explaining my failings in detail. Instead, Dad had a funny look in his face. I asked what’s wrong and he explained that he’d run into one of my old teachers on the way to the station. This guy had taught me 12th grade Physics and 12th grade Draftmanship; he’d guessed my grades correctly - which made Dad realize that one, my “problems with math” weren’t just mine, every student in my high school had them (we just had bad math teachers!); two, a guy who’d known me for a year was able to predict my results more accuratedly than my own parents (who’d pretty much expected me to flunk everything and I have no idea where they got that notion). When I pointed out that my results, which matched the prof’s predictions, also matched my own predictions from one month into classes, Dad just dropped the bag he was carrying. Good thing there wasn’t anything fragile in it!

I never got the Half An Hour Of Death again - never got a “good work!” either - but I have also never forgotten that my parents are too blinded by their need to “create the perfect child” to ever bother getting to know and value me. It’s THEIR fault and not mine, damnit!

31

No problem if he isn’t into poetry. “I just didn’t like it” is fair enough though kind of blunt. But the “I didn’t think it’s any good” or “That’s not very good, is it?” stuff? That is plain mean. Grrr.

My mother writes, I write, we’ve been critting each other’s work since forever, it’s tough criticism but constructive and usually tactful.

My husband composes music. He doesn’t do much heavy duty criticism for me and I don’t for him, but we do listen/read respectfully and give feedback to the limits of our knowledge. Obviously there are things we each do that the other doesn’t necessarily care for, but there are much, much better ways to express that than “That’s not very good, is it?”

32

When my first book was published I sent my father an inscribed copy. After he died I found it in his closet–he’d never even opened it.

(That would be a lot sadder if I’d ever had the notion that he liked me in the first place, of course).

33

When we were in college, and newly married, my first husband enthusiastically read everything I wrote. He was proud of me and complimented my work. As the years went by, however, he seemed to read me less and less. I finally realized he didn’t care when I brought home a VHS dub of a new show I was writing that was very different from what I’d written before. He never watched it. There it sat by the TV, for weeks. Periodically I’d ask him if he’d “had a chance” to look at it. No, no, he never had the time. It hurt a lot. Not because I needed the praise, but because I realized that he no longer cared what was important to me.

34

When someone has never received any praise or validation for their works they have to realize that the person they are asking and pinning all their expectations of a Big Fat Glowing Review (but aren’t into that kinda talent) where they receive the complete opposite for the BFGR, don’t know how to give a positive word. It crushes the self esteem into microspecks.

They cannot give it if they have never received it or they are subconsciously trying to protect you from failure and hurt. Or they are afraid of your success will make them look more mundane and average. (Pick one or parts of all three plus a few unnamed neurosis to be named later.)

It isn’t you, per se. It is them. and you.

However, the real issue is why are you seeking outside approval when it should be coming from within you. When your confidence in yourself and the love of what you do is there and you are really in the groove of your passion, the cosmic mojo of your soul is easily identifiable in your work. There is a brilliant rhthym to these things not seen by the naked eye, but in likeminded souls.
You need to seek out a group of your peers, like minded folk, who do what you do to bounce ideas off of. There you will most likely find what you are looking for.

35

I listened to your reading in the other thread, and didn’t dare comment on it because your voice is so gorgeous, and the poem so appealing, I thought you’d get the idea I’m angling to jump your bones. When in reality I would be. :slight_smile:

You seemed to have married a clod. He’s way, way beneath you, and maybe. you should think about finding someone else. (Sadly, I’m 72 — and that’s both my age and IQ. :smiley: :smiley: :smiley:

36

I’m pretty sure jsgoddess is all set with her cosmic mojo and can write without external approval. I think the problem she’s talking about is not with her poetry but with a person who failed her recently. It’s not the sort of thing that would happen to Ernest Dowson, but then neither is living to 40.

37

Okay, you have officially brightened my day (and also made me scare the coworkers). Thank you.

38

It’s time for a serious discussion. Sit down with him and spell it out in no uncertain detail.

Communication is the key.

39

We have this problem too. This sort of response, to gifts or reactions to writing, makes it just about impossible to keep up the kind, polite facade which may be necessary. If one wants one’s spouse to be gracious in accepting gifts, one cannot push like this.

40

Sure is. Leave him and find someone else.

OK, since, you’re married, that’s not that easy. But you can still find someone else. There are probably poetry circles in your area. I’m sure there are bunches on the 'Net. Find yourself a nice message board, perhaps, and post something there. I don’t really know of any message boards off hand, but I’m sure you can come up with something (hint hint!)

Maybe people on such a theoretical board have e-mail contact info in their profiles (hint hint!*)

Definitely let your husband know how much his disdain hurts you. Let him know that poetry is a big part of your life, and it’s sad that he dismisses it so readily. Let him know that you will be sharing that part of your life with someone else, possibly some 6’2" jock named Dirk who drives a Mercedes.**

*Disclaimer: While I’m an artist and musician, and I’ll be the first to jump into threads that attack modern art, I admit to not “getting” poetry. But I’m always willing to try.

**Not to be confused with actual marriage advice.