When Armadillos Attack....a Tale of Terror

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

So, last night about 10:00 or so I heard a ruckus out in the yard. Looked out the window and saw the doggies (Slick and Belly Rub, for those of you that are interested in that sort of thing) chasing some sort of creature…or rather, they were chasing it and then it would turn around and chase them. Fired by a desire to defend the girls, I ran outside in my jammies armed only with a baseball bat…if I had known now what I know then, I would not have gone outside with anything less than a flamethrower, or a bazooka, or some such weapon.

As I got closer to the scene of the battle, I realized that what they were chasing was the largest armadillo that I have ever seen. Now I’ve had some experience with armadillos in the past when camping, and had never seen one act aggressively at ALL. Usually they just waddle away. But not THIS armadillo, and not on THIS night.

I advanced on the scaly minion of Hell brandishing my baseball bat and yelling the sort of things one yells to run critters off, expecting it to flee. It did not. It turned and charged me! Armadillos are FAST when they want to be my friends.

Even though my rational mind thought, “It’s a freakin armadillo! Unless it pees on you and gives you leprosy, it can’t hurt you”, the message never got to my feet, which carried me right up onto the porch and out of harm’s way. The girls retreated as well. We sat on the porch weighing our options, the most attractive one to me being to return to the safety of my home and to continue to watch Seinfeld. I couldn’t leave my doggies out there with the crazed beast however.

Gathering all my courage, I once again stepped from the safety of the porch, ball bat in hand. The dillo, obviously pleased with proving it’s superiority, casually sauntered (well, really it was more like a waddle, but it was casual) off into the woods. Calm ensued. Has anyone else ever experienced this sort of behavior from a dillo?

Stories of attacks by animals that are not usually thought of as aggressive would probably help bruise my wounded ego as well…

Having realized my mistake in threatening their leader, I for one now welcome our new armadillo overlords!

2

Not, bruise dang it, heal…heal my wounded ego. Obviously my mind is still clouded from the horror.

3

Pat, can I buy a D to replace one of the Ls?

4

If it was a 9-banded Armadildo it probably just wanted to tickle you.

5

In my last apartment we were attacked by slugs. They somehow managed to crawl in under the door (because there was about an inch and a half of empty space there, but I digress) and they were huge. I am not exaggerating when I say they were the size of a stapler. They were so freaking big that the whole, “put out a shallow plate of beer and let them drown themselves” idea didn’t work because they were large enough to leave half of their bodies still touching the ground while they bellied up to the bar. The rain constantly washed away my layer of salt that I poured in front of the door. We just couldn’t keep them out! What is worse is that when they got in my thought was to use the handle end of a fly swatter, pick them up, and fling them back out into the yard and hope they were too dizzy and terrified to return. Have you ever tried to pick up a slug with a thin wire handle? No? Let me explain to you what happens when you do this: said slug begins flipping about as though he just jumped off the fucking high dive at the Olympics, twisting and contorting until he launches himself at you like he thinks he is a ninja throwing slug. I think my screams were so loud they were actually what caused the volcano eruption in Iceland.

Later I would find them squished or half eaten (thanks, kitties) and step in them, yowl in disgustedness, and then throw out my socks. I ended up buying several pairs of cheap flip flops to wear around that apartment.

6

Be not ashamed, Storm Girl; I too have been the target of a renegade armadillo. It was a Saturday morning a few weeks ago and I was in my house folding laundry while waiting for the next load to dry. I heard a rustling in the yard, the likes of which I hear nightly but never bother to investigate, and sure enough there he was, rooting around in the grass. Since I’ve had way more encounters with the smooshed variety and had always heard “they’re more afraid of you than you are of them” I thought nothing of going out to retrieve my next load of laundry. Next thing I know, this ugly . . . prehistoric / possum looking beast comes charging at me. Not sure what armadillos actually do if /when they catch you but it freaked me out enough to go inside and leave the laudry for a later time.

7

Throw alligator boots at them, they are terrified of those.

8

pbbth, that is just horrifying. Hilarious to imagine from a safe distance, but horrifying. :slight_smile:

WOOKINPANUB I am SO glad that I’m not the only one that has been the target of armadillo aggression-everyone I have told about the incident today just kinda looks at me with disbelief. I can count on you to join the resistance movement, right?

By the way, according to the research I have conducted today, armadillos also have an amazing vertical leap. Like, 3 or 4 feet. At a whopping 5’2" that puts em just a little too close to being able to jump up and gnaw my face off (or whatever it is armadillos do to you when they catch you) for comfort.

9

Thats one reason they get “run over” by cars so much. Their response to being startled is do a high vertical jump then run like hell. I’ve seen em do it. Its pretty impressive. Works great in the woods. Not so good when its a car running you down or driving over you. Wack! Game over.

10

The option of screaming like a little girl didn’t seem appealing? Or the option of moving, and nuking your old place from orbit?

The former is what I would have done. Probably loud enough to be heard in Australia. The latter is what I would have wanted to do.

I think a safe distance from that would be the Andromeda galaxy.

11

We don’t have armadillos up here; but you know what’s mean? Opossums. They are mean and ugly and they grow 'em big up here.

I have had several runs with them. I usually retreat to the house when they start that hissing with their backs up.

12

To me the biggest issue with battling armadillos is possibly having to touch them. Those things are the carriers of so much pestilence…they are NASTY!

13

I think the odds of catching “pestilence” from an armadillo are extremely low.

I have never been chased by an armadillo. I spooked one in my yard one time in Texas, and it fled…straight to the back door, which fortunately was closed, at which point it leapt a couple of feet in the air and made another mad dash for the front yard, ultimately shuffling off to safety accompanied by gradually diminishing sounds of armadillo distress.

14

I was a camp counsellor at Camp El Tesoro in Texas (forget where that is…hold up…its in Granbury) many moons ago when Motley Crue ruled the planet and I had one of those things get into my cabin, where it proceeded in its panic to run around and around the cabin’s outer walls, crashing into stuff and generally wreaking havoc in its desire to get out.

I was finally able to usher it out with a broom handle whereupon I proceeded to get stung by a fucking scorpion in the cabin’s shower. No offense, but I hate Texas. Too hot, too big, lots of nasties and lots of rednecks.

15

Racoons. Here in metro Toronto our pestilence comes with a bandit mask.

We have a medium sized version that used to hang out in our maple tree but the constant barking of the dogs disturbed his sleep so he’s moved on to a doggy free neighborhood tree. Pretty smart actually.

Several years ago when I was young and brave(ish) I was out at the Scarborough Bluffs taking pictures. It was near sunset and I was lining up a pretty shot when my companion started whimpering. Since that was not even close to normal for her I turn to look where she was looking at the houses behind us. There was a 3’ chain link fence around the back of the closest house. I wish I could say the racoon was climbing it, but actually it just stood up and sort of fell over the top. It was the largest racoon I’ve ever seen in my life and it was heading right for us. Cliffs to our back, vicious probably rabid animal in front of us and the car was several hundred feet away. We abandoned EVERYTHING, tripods, camera cases, cameras and RAN to the car. Luckily the keys were in my pocket. An hour later, now in complete darkness we crept back out tiny flashlight from my glove box in hand and retrieved our stuff. Sure, film would show that it never actually made a hostile movement towards us but we knew it was secretly plotting out deaths.

16

They can carry rabies

17

I vote this thread no longer qualifies as Pointless.

My first thought was, ‘Can armadillos get rabies?’ I never would have thought so, all that armor.

But two rules I know: if you see a nocturnal animal in the daytime, or a ‘defensive’ animal - skunk, porcupine, and, we now know, armadillo - being aggressive, suspect rabies, and run.
[Or suspect a nearby den of babies, and run faster, but it seems a bit late in the year for that.]

With a little work that would be a great first line of a novel …

18

Horrible, unspeakable things, acts against nature so vicious and depraved that make Chutlu’s toe nails curl just to think about it.
And then they get mean.

19

Ugh. Possums. Disease carrying little minions of Evil.

20

Funny I should see this thread just at this time. Within the last hour I had sent one armadillo to armadillo heaven, it is not wise to root in my wife’s flowers.
Not 20 minutes later I caught a LARGE Opossum in the yard lights helping himself to the fox food we put out for them. He also went to his Opossum heaven.

I really dislike having to do this but these critters and raccoons will destroy everything if we let them get out of hand. I usually live trap the furry ones including skunks and relocate them. But not dillos, they should have stayed out of the yard or not been seen. They can destroy years of gardening in less than 15 minutes. They are very efficient bulldozers.

Just went out back and two rabbits were frolicking in the back yard.