Lingyi, I can only say I’m sorry. Those shower episodes were more than abusive; they were torture. That’s no way to have to spend a childhood.
How did the abuse/torture affect you long-term? If you’d rather not answer that, I understand.
I believe we had the same gym teacher, that sounds eerily familiar.
I recall the old TV show, Leave it to Beaver, actually had numerous jokes about child abuse. Usually Eddie Haskel talking about getting a whipping for his antics. But the joke that has stuck in my head for 30 plus years was the parents talking about their kids taking a train somewhere without parent supervision.
Mom: What are they going to do to pass the time in the train station.
Dad: Watch a fat lady smacking a kid.
Mom: How do you know that?
Dad: There is always a fat lady smacking a kid at the train station.
Cut to a later scene, and sure enough, the boys are in the train station watching a fat lady smacking a kid. Laugh track ensues.
In one of Bill Cosby’s Fat Albert records, Fat Albert was lured to the top of the staircase (to be frightened out of his wits) by another kid telling him “so-and-so is gettin’ a beatin’”, which sent Fat Albert into a frenzied rush to get over in time to see it.
When I was in middle school (junior high then in 1980), a friend of mine told me that her stepfather had been sexually abusing her. Being a 13 year old kid, I didn’t know what to do, so I talked to my mom, who suggested my friend tell the counselor at school. I went with my friend to the counselor. She told the counselor what her stepfather had done and when. The counselor looked at her across the desk and shook her head. “You shouldn’t be telling stories like that,” the counselor said.
Come to find out, the counselor was an old friend of her mothers and as soon as we left that office, the counselor called the mother and said her daughter had been in telling wild stories.
My friend got beat that evening and as far as I know, the sexual abuse continued.
I am not a teacher, but I am a mandated reporter because of my employer. I look back on that now and wonder how many other times she was a witness or confidant to abuse or neglect, but dismissed it. It still pisses me off, all these years later.
At a certain point then I don’t know if the “winners” get anything special. I’m really sorry.
Over the years, I’ve posted a some thing which happened to me and there have been a few others who have as well. It really sucks.
I don’t know how much effect this has in your life now, but I wouldn’t be surprised at all if you had some or a lot.
I have had better success with seeing a trauma specialist than just a normal talk counseling.
I’m 53 now and over the last 30 years or so there has been a slow but steady stream of messages getting to me from those who were adults who knew me when I was in the family home, apparently all the parents of my friends as well as teachers knew I was being badly abused but felt they had no means to change it. My family was wealthy and powerful. Those who kept any sort of tabs on me saw my journey through the psych and rehab systems and grew increasingly uncomfortable with the part their silence played.
Some of the track downs of me have been extensive and clearly not for my benefit but theirs but I get it. They could have changed everything instead of validating it by ignoring what was beyond obvious. Now some of them would be in legal trouble for the same actions. Judging themselves now for actions over 40 years ago is unlikely to be fun but I only offer understanding, not forgiveness. They need to forgive themselves . I noticed the change starting around the mid 80s.
@Those who offered their support, I sincerely thank and appreciate your ears (eyes?)!
@Those who offered humorous stories, I thank you for bringing some much needed levity to this thread!
@nelliebly, I never thought of it as torture, but my siblings (to this day) refer to the shower as “The Dungeon”. Thankfully we moved shortly after it stopped.
I sincerely thank everyone who has and will participate in this thread because it’s truly cathartic for me to share my thoughts and feelings. When I my stories to others about my age or older, it turns into an odd “You think YOU had it bad, let me tell you what I when through” challenge. The leader so far is “At least your Dad didn’t hold a gun to your head and threaten to shoot!”
When I tell my stories to those younger than me, they look at me like I’m telling fairy tales.
As for long term effects, there are many, mostly self diagnosed or epiphanies (I believe holy inspired. You may choose to believe what you please).
I’m far from perfectly fine, but work, live and “function” as well as anyone else (with some notable exceptions I’ll list below).
The greatest is a lifelong depression that I’ve managed for a short time with Prozac and have learned to accept and live with. The most frightening thing is that I remember wanting to die in “The Dungeon” at the earliest age, which would be 5 or 6. This wasn’t the “I’ll show them” wish, but “This will make the pain stop”.
The only light was through a small 6" x 20" opening that housed a small florescent light, which was off since it was daytime. I remember trying to squeeze through the space (which means it must have been during my youngest years) and even contemplating breaking the bulb to cut myself. My greatest fear wasn’t dying, but how angrier my Dad would be because I broke the light!
Within the past 10 years or so, I’ve come to realize that part of my fear of commitment and ability to love unconditionally is because as I stated above, I’m still not sure my parents overwhelming love and treatment towards me (I’m the youngest) wasn’t at least partly motivated by guilt.
I “broke up” with a woman I had pursued for almost two years because she admitted she “felt sorry for me.” And I struggle to decide whether I’m truly “in love” with someone or just feel sorry for them.
I’ve talked about my anger management issues and have it under control (I believe due to my spirituality), but know that if provoked, I’m capable of causing severe bodily damage to someone if I let go. One of my nieces once annoyed me when she was young and I picked up up with one hand and the thought “What would Dad do?” passed through my mind. I thought about slamming her into a mirrored wall, but caught myself and threw her on the couch.
Surprisingly, I’m not claustrophobic or afraid of the dark, though I do collect flashlights. I don’t have any real phobias, though I hate thunder and rain because it reminds me of the shower door closing and being drenched.
This didn’t become an issue until after my father died, but I have an innate fear of working with anyone who reminds me of my Dad, male or female. I’ve left a few jobs after telling my boss that I couldn’t continue to work with them because of this. My boss at my current workplace (thankfully I’ll only be there another month or so) has a low voice that reminds me of my Dad and I cringe with fear whenever I hear him speak.
That’s the major stuff that’s obviously beyond the norm. Once again I thank everyone for commenting and sharing your stories. As sad as it is, it’s nice to know that I’m not alone!
My heart goes out to you!
As I mentioned above, my Mom’s confession that she “couldn’t” stop my Dad caused a 20+ year riff between us. It was worse with my siblings because they not only teased me about it (see my reference to “The Dungeon” above), but made me question my sanity (as in, was it real?) by continually denying that I had it worse than they did. They were in their teens by the time I started receiving the whippings, still can’t bear to use the term “beatings” and to my knowledge my Dad never “whipped” them during my years of terror.
I’ve forgiven them through my spirituality, but will never forget the past.
My parents beat me a time or three and corporal punishment was very much in evidence at school. But vastly worse was the neglect I suffered when my parents and teachers failed to stop the bullying abuse I got from other children. I was left to rot and it permanently damaged me. What saddens me to this day is that I know my parents were doing what they thought was best for me.
I had a friend whose mother actually shot at her! And missed! She then started to think she was invincible and went on to a live of insane reckless adventures.
I don’t know which is worse, to be paralyzed by fear or to not have a healthy amount of it.
lingyi, I evidently don’t know your father, but in my mother’s case, the hitting was also not triggered by anything I did, even when she found and excuse. It was triggered by her frustration at other things and people she couldn’t attack; I made an available target. If that was the case for your father and whatever used to cause him frustration when you were a kid isn’t a factor any more, he’s not lashing out at anything any more, not because he’s realized it was wrong to do so or because the current kids are his grandkids - but because he isn’t being triggered.
My Tai Chi teacher, who grew up in Hawaii, apparently published a compendium of tales about his youth, written in pidgin (so the OP’s quotes seem familiar to me) and including dozens of tales of abuse – again, mostly as humorous anecdotes rather than shocking revelations.
Is it not, to some degree, still considered acceptable today? It is still discussed with humor, as if that somehow helps to brush off the stigma and leave only the dramatic surprise to laugh about.
I haven’t watched television in over a decade but I remember my fiancee telling me and her daughter to change the channel because she couldn’t stand George Lopez’ stand-up comedy routines. She forbade the viewing of Mind of Mencia (Carlos Mencia?) for the same reasons. The problem, to her, was that those comedians routinely told stories of their youth and the beatings they got from parents and other relatives; they included stories of the beatings they gave to their own kids – all in the context of a funny monologue.
The daughter and I thought the monologues were hilarious – but it didn’t occur to me until my fiancee forbade them that the daughter thought they were silly nonsense stories while I lived through similar treatment in my life and related to the humor on a completely different level. My fiancee thought it was terrible for anyone to laugh at child abuse and didn’t want to patronize (however remotely) anyone who would try to make others laugh about it.
But I remember Chris Rock, Eddie Murphy, Richard Pryor, Chris Tucker, Bernie Mac and even Red Foxx including abuse-as-humor as well, and those acts were in the 1970’s - 1990’s.
But, as others have noted, by the mid-1970’s it was no longer acceptable to be a serious child-beater. Schools phased out The Paddle and, at some point, teachers became Mandated Reporters. And then there was the backlash against the backlash as Christian Fundamentalism flourished in the 1980’s – but even that backlash drew backlash when The Gipper’s nominee for Director of Juvenile Justice had a bumper=sticker on his car that said, “Have you slugged your kid today?” and a lot of Fundamentalist clergy defended the concept by citing biblical “Spare the Rod = Spoil the Child” passages.
–G!
Why did it end in 5th grade?
And where were the faucet handles? Were they outside the door?