In recent years, I’ve tried to come to terms with my father’s treatment of me when I was young. To bottomline it, I’m wondering if you think the following was typical–especially for young Baby Boomers–and whether it was considered child abuse back then. (I’m 38.) Divulging this information to anonymous people is difficult for me, but I need some objective feedback.
When my brother and I misbehaved when we were young–horseplay, arguing, etc,–my father would sometimes grab us and beat us with a belt. Each time, he would hold me down with one hand while wailing away with a leather belt in the other. He would hit us maybe 15 to 20 times each and with great force. Throughout these ordeals, his face would be contorted in rage and, with each blow, he would shout over and over, “I told you, I told you, I told you…” Naturally, I would be screaming and crying for help throughout these ordeals and even today I can still feel the severe burning sensation from these whippings. BTW, after each incident, he would blame us for provoking him and then tell us how badly we misbehaved. (Frankly, I think we were just being kids.)
Over the years I’ve rationized my father’s behavior by saying that most kids were treated this way back in those days–that it was normal.
Don’t you think that’s true? Your feedback is appreciated.
I was never treated like that, and I think today it would certainly be considered excessive. However, I’m the “baby” of the family, and my older brothers have stories of stuff like this happening. The two oldest, born in 1957 & 1958, are the ones who talk about this the most. I don’t remember the exact details, but they pretty much sound like what you describe - getting spanked badly by my Dad when they misbehaved. I don’t think it was something that happened every time they misbehaved, but only when they did really bad stuff.
I know they both carry some resentment towards my father, but all in all, we’re a very tight family, and it hasn’t seemed to affect their lives all that much. They both live in the same town as my parents, and they’re all very involved in each other’s lives - ie, it’s not uncommon for me to call my mother and find the whole family there to watch the Football game, or having dinner together.
My parents talk about those times on occasion, too. They had 4 children within 5 years, when they were both very young. They freely admit they had no clue as to what they were doing, and they made mistakes. My brothers & sister were hellions when they were teenagers - getting into drugs, getting arrested, etc. etc. My parents had a hard time of it, as did my siblings. We pretty much all came through it OK, though, and we’re one of the closest families I know. We all genuinely like each other, and want to hang out together.
So was there mistakes made? Yup. My father almost certainly did stuff that would be considered abusive today. Is it something to worry about now, 40 years after the fact? Nope. What’s done is done. My brothers didn’t like it, and my parents carry a fair amount of guilt over it. I think it’s best to let bygones be bygones - nobody can change them, and it’s not worth breaking up the family over it.
Not that I consider myself to be a model of normalcy, but I can say your experiences are not the same as mine. When we were spanked, Mom did it with a hand, not a belt or a brush or anything else. More often than not, we were grounded, deprived of allowance, and given extra chores. Dad just yelled. I’m 47, FWIW, and I never spanked my kid - time-outs worked very well with her.
One of our neighbors smacked her kids with a wooden spoon, and she yelled a lot. Dunno what effect it had on them then, but they all grew up to be successful, productive members of society.
Not a baby boomer, but it sounds somewhat excessive to me. The part that bothers me is not the spanking by belt, but the apparent lack of control on your father’s part.
I was raised by a parent that believed in spanking, but it wasn’t used excessively. My mom would use a hairbrush though when doing it (her theory was that I was in trouble why should she hurt her hand). I never resented her for it, and when I did something bad enough to warrant the brush that was generally the last time I did it. I was about 12 the last time it happened and I matured enough to know how to avoid it.
(On the plus side, I gained the ability to tighten my ass to an incredible degree – if I ever end up in jail, it will be a valuable defensive weapon.)
So, I don’t see anything wrong with the spanking (though I doubt I would do it were I to end up with kids) but I think it important that the parent is in control of themselves and not just wailing away out of anger.
I would say you’re experiences weren’t that unusual, but then I’d also say that they were also unfair. As for calling it ‘child-abuse’, I’d not be so happy about that as I don’t like applying one age’s standards to another. It certainly would be frowned upon today.
I’d say your father had some anger-control issues, and while he may have honestly thought he was just applying discipline, there was a fair bit of taking out his frustrations on someone who wasn’t going to hit back. But, unfortunately, that wasn’t so uncommon.
My parents had a strap that hung under the stairs. I’m happy to say it rarely made an appearance, the mere mention of it was usually enough. The difference with your father was I know my parents hated using it and it was never used in a rage.
I got a belt rarely - maybe two or three times in a year - and never for more than a couple of swats. Same with spankings - they happened, but were not long, drawn-out beatings by any stretch.
The culture at the time - I’m also 38 - certainly wouldn’t call either that, or what the OP describes, “child abuse.” Certainly perceptions have changed.
Out of curiosity, did girls ever get the strap? The responses here so far (well okay, the sample isn’t that big) seem to sugest that boys got beaten and girls got smacked - would you say that’s a fair indication or not?
I don’t know that I’d call it child abuse, tsunamisurfer. Like some of the others I’m loath to apply today’s standards to yesterday’s events. However, what your dad did is on the “extreme” side of the scale for my taste.
Both my sister (25) and I (30) got the strap from our dad in our younger days. Minor to moderate infractions of the rules got us a barehanded swat or two on the butt but for really egregious stuff Dad brought out his heavy stiff uniform belt (he was a cop). Then we’d get four or five swats with that. Believe me, it hurt enough to serve as a disincentive for ever breaking the rules again.
When I was younger I thought this was something the Old Man had dreamed up because he was some cruel sadistic bastard. As I got older I learned that this was the way he was raised and a lot of other stuff started to make sense to me.
Do Sis and I hate our father? Naah. Are we all messed up and on the couch five days a week? Nope. Are we generally normal, productive members of society? Yep. So I guess it’d didn’t hurt us that much.
39 year old female checking in. I think it is what you make it. My mother was the one with anger issues in our family. She used the belt (buckle side when she was really mad.) My father never hit us. Was it abuse, yes, yes, yes and while some may say it was just the norm at the time, I know for a fact my mother was never hit while she was growing up. Our discipline was directly related to how mom was feeling.
My sister and I have huge issues with my mother. (Still working on them)
We all believe my father is a saint for spending 53 years (and counting) with my mother.
1958 baby here and when growing up I occasionally got the angry end of a belt, but that was typically only when he had to wade into real knock down drag outs I had with my siblings, so yes standards were different then, and taking a belt to child while not everyone’s preferred method of punishment was certainly a lot more commonplace than today’s kinder, gentler era when practically anything that isn’t life and self affirming is considered “abuse”.
You’re here and now and what’s done is done. Spending years “coming to terms” with a volatile father and mulling over whether his behavior was normal or abusive is pointless for someone who is a fully grown man of 38 unless you really enjoy naval gazing. Get on with your life. Only you can decide not to do so.
This disturbs me. I do think this constitutes child abuse. It may have been common during this time period for parents to do what your father did to you, but that still doesn’t make it right.
I’m a babyboomer too, but I was never hit. However, I have heard many similar stories as yours from people in our age group. It’s just sickening to me.
A 39-yr.-old female here. I got smacked with a belt during my teenage years when my dad was really, really p.o.'d, but it didn’t happen that often. The typical scenario was that I’d mouth off and not know when to quit. He wasn’t the type of person to just go off on you. If a belt wasn’t readily available, I’d get backhanded, which I seem to recall hurting more. Most of the time he let my mother be the disciplinarian, especially when I was little. When I was small, I got hand smacks on the butt, but when I was older the wooden spoon and the hairbrush made appearances. She never approved of the belt, but a hairbrush doesn’t feel any better. That all stopped one day when I took the brush away from her and she realized I was too big for that kind of stuff from her any more.
This was very, very typical of the way things were in my time and place growing up. I think it only becomes abuse if the kid gets injured in some way - bruises, split lips, etc. Or if the parents were unreasonably, uncontrollably angry, which of course can easily result in injuries. Unfortunately I knew plenty of kids who were genuinely beaten and were absolutely terrified of their parents. I was never afraid of mine, and I could have saved myself quite a few whacks if I’d just learned to shut the heck up.
Since I don’t have kids, I don’t know what the pattern would be for me as a parent, but I’ve been a pretty good dog parent (dogs only get a smack if they growl or bare their teeth. Since it happens so rarely, they know I mean business). And I know, since my husband is a teacher, that we treat the dogs better than some people treat their kids :(.
1963 vintage here. Smacked by both parents, on occasion, when young. Hands only, no implements involved. They moved on to “withdrawal of privileges” style punishments pretty much as soon as I was old enough to appreciate them; I don’t think I was hit at all after about age seven. The vagueness of my memories suggests that it didn’t leave any irreparable psychic scars (let alone physical ones).
I have to say, tsunamisurfer, your story disturbs me. I think I’d have to rate your father’s behaviour as excessive. Either that, or my parents were unusually lenient, which I don’t think is the case. (Or it might be national - I’m British - but the British don’t have any especial reputation for being soft on their kids…)
I got spankings, buddy. Both my mother and father did the honors, but it was not too common an occurance. My mom was fond of using a big brush, and also the dreaded switch. The torment was having to go outside and pick the damn thing myself. I also remember seeing my mother’s red handprint on my leg.
My dad used his belt, but I don’t remember it being particularly horrible.
32 y.o. woman, and, yes, on extremely rare occasions as a child I was spanked with a belt. I don’t think it was child abuse, just a difference in accepted ways to parent your child. But then, my dad used to pull our hair as an effective way to get our attention or knock us down a peg or two – just grab a handful on the top of the head and yank it back and forth a time or three. I doubt you’d find Dr. Spock endorsing that, either.
What troubles me is what others have already pointed out – the lack of control. The face contorted with rage, the smacking you with all his might, the whaling away at you for twenty strokes, as opposed to three of four – those don’t sound consistent with administering a punishment but rather attacking a child. In the end, I think the only one who can say whether or not it was abusive is you, though it sounds to me like to probably was.
I should mention that corporal punishment was allowed in our school system too. All the teachers had paddles, right up through 9th grade, and they weren’t afraid to use them.
What you have described is not all that unusual for that time, though it sounds a bit excessive. I had friends whose fathers used to really belt whip them when they were bad, but these kids knew what they had done to piss them off.
I grew up in an era where whippings were a fact of life, though not beatings and it sounds like you got beatings. When I got spanked – which was not all that infrequent – I clearly knew what I had done and usually had been warned not to do it previously.
I think your Pop, in the length of the beatings, was somewhat overboard. Would it be considered abuse? I dunno. Were you a pain in the ass kid like some of my friends were? Some of my friends would get whipped and 10 minutes later do something they knew they were not supposed to do and get walloped again.
Now that I have straddled the wall for a time on this, I would say, yeah. Your dad went too far. I got spanked but never had long lasting welts raised and the whipping was maybe 4 to 6 stinging swats.
I second Jodi’s view: it’s not the actual act, but the control with which it’s performed. I’m a 33 y/o male; I recall my father spanking me exactly twice, and with those it was a measured, careful punsishment. But he had a terribly volatile temper (deep anger at the death of my mother) and completely cowed me with his fairly regular tantrums. For at least ten years - really until I graduated from college, so more like fifteen - the only emotion he awoke in me was fear.
He’s acknowledged that he should’ve got help - or accepted the help that was offered. That alone has gone along way towards helping me get over the consequences of his behavior.
39 year old male with similar circumstances, but I don’t recall them being quite that extreme. Father, belt, anger, ditto. What bothered me most at the time was that these usually came after my parents came home after a night out, and my father was typically fairly lit. We really dreaded these times, but ironically never really altered our behavior enough to avoid the punishment, I think we weren’t clear that it would have had any affect. This stopped about the time I turned 13 and had grown larger than my parents. My brothers and I were the ones who received this, I don’t recall my sisters getting in on the fun. Two oldest sons seem to have turned out okay, my younger brother joined the Marine Corps at 16 and has struggled with alcohol abuse problems of his own. He was also a bit hyper (maybe ADD, this didn’t exist as such at the time) so he was usually in trouble.
With my kids they almost never have been spanked, maybe 5 times total (for both together) in their life, usually to stop them from torturing each other. More usual punishment is to separate them from whatever activity and explain why their behavior is inappropriate. Now the most punishment they typically get is just told to stop, and they do. If they are out of control it is usually because they are tired, and then they get holding (hugs and kisses).
My father was the calmest man on earth and when I was a kid it seemed there was only one rule: you do not hit girls. In practical terms it meant: (a) My sisters could do anything and get away with it because they were girls and (2) when we kids were left alone and we invariably got into fights, when our parents returned I was in deep shit for having broken the golden rule. Never mind my sisters would start the fights and would hit me all they wanted. Am man just does not hit a woman. Period.
So, every single time we were left alone, when our parents returned, my sisters would make a big show about how I had hit them. Then my father, in the calmest of moods and the softest of voices, would order me to go and lie on my bed facing down. Knowing what was coming, I would start crying in terror and begging for mercy. He would just tell me to go and do as I was told. Never forced me, never raised his voice. Having to assume the position voluntarily was the worst of tortures. After much fear and suffering i would finally lie on my bed and wait for the inevitable. My father would then come into the room and hold me down with one hand on my back while I cried even more for mercy. Now I was pinned down and there was no escaping. He would whack me on the bottom a couple of times with a slipper… and it was all over. The leading up to it was way worse than the smacks themselves. And my father never lost his temper once.
How do I see it today? Well, my father just belonged to another generation that had the mistaken notion that you should never hit a woman. I think you should hit a woman under exactly the same circumstances as you would hit a man. There’s some equality for you!
And my sisters were little bitches who have grown to be immense bitches today. May they be slapped around in hell for eternity. But that’s another story.
