I grew up thinking that I wouldn’t want kids because I didn’t go all oogy over babies and small children the way some of my friends did.
Then, when I met my husband-to-be, I had to make some kind of decision. What felt right was that we would have kids someday, but that we would wait a while, so that our marriage and careers could get established, and that’s essentially what we did.
It would have been a dealbreaker for my husband, though, had I not been able to make that initial committment.
That’s not necessarily true. My doctor did a tubal for me when I was 27 and childless. If your doctor won’t, go talk to another doctor. There are some who understand that it’s the 21st century and we’re not required to have children to be “real” women. There are also some who realize that, no, not all of us “will change our minds.”
Not to hijack too much more, but I was really glad I got my tubes tied, and I’d definitely recommend it if you’re sure you don’t want kids. The procedure was very simple, took less than an hour, and I didn’t even need any of the pain medication they gave me. (It does have to be done under general anesthesia, but even that wasn’t bad and the whole thing from getting to the hospital to heading home was <4 hours.) At this point (just under 2 years later), I don’t even have a scar left!
Back on topic, I don’t remember when I decided I didn’t want kids, but I do remember talking to one of my classmates in high school about it so definitely by late teens I knew. I realized during college how much of an issue it becomes because my college boyfriend did want to have kids eventually, and it was the major issue that led to us parting ways upon graduation after a >2 year relationship. That was tough and it made me very wary of getting involved at all with anyone who wanted kids. So I asked my now-husband the Kid Question when he said “Let’s meet in person.” (We met here on the Dope.) Fortunately, he felt as strongly as I did, and, well, the rest is history.
So I know where you’re coming from ZipperJJ. I just had that realization much earlier due to having to break up with my college boyfriend for this reason.
My decision not to have kids has yet to become important in my life. My severe intimacy issues tend to prevent that.
No kids here. I’m 40 this year and just have no urge whatsoever to procreate (or at least get the likely result of said act - the act itself is different). My GP understood this and, when I was 25, performed a vasectomy at my request. It became important when I remarried some fours years ago, but my 25 year old wife doesn’t want any either.
Yep, doctors are not a monolithic group. Different docs will have different views about this. If one doc doesn’t want to help you, just try a different one.
Some docs might be more inclined to help simply if you’re persistent rather than being told “No” and going “Oh okay”. There are people out there who change their minds on this topic, and it is annoying for docs to get sued because someone was an impulsive idiot about making such a decision. If you can show that you’re serious about it and have thought it through, that might make a difference.
This. And now I get oogy over children, although still not as much as some other people. And after four years of marriage, we’re expecting our first in January.
Slight hijack- don’t get your tubes tied ladies, get a Mirena coil.
It’s more effective than TL as a form of contraception and will almost certainly lighten and shorten your periods with minimal side effects as a bonus, plus you don’t need to have surgery. $300 and 30 minutes in a doctors office every 5 years is worth it and you won’t have to fight nearly as hard.
I’ve always wanted babies, so has irishfella…we’re still trying to work out the timing (he’s for right now, I’m for waiting a bit).
At 29, you’re at the age when you really are growing up. I feel that at 41, I wouldn’t even recognize my 20 year old self. I recall 30 as being fairly pivotal; starting to settle down, getting ideas about buying houses and getting married, not so interested in going out on Fridays and Saturdays any longer, stuff like that. In other words, I think you’re perfectly normal. 
I always wanted to have kids, two specifically, and at least one daughter. That is what I got. I couldn’t be with someone that did not want kids. I was also concerned that I may have to dump someone with fertility issues but luckily that did not happen. There is nothing wrong with adoption but it wasn’t ideal from my perspective. Spouses are expendable in my world-view but children are not so making a choice between the two is easy.
I absolutely hear you on this.
I met my husband 4 years ago - I was 30. I was very clear from the beginning (including on my personals profile where we first met) that I did not want children. When we began to get serious, I made sure it was clear. I did this with previous boyfriends, even when I was in my twenties. I figured it wasn’t worth lying, not talking about it, or wasting each other’s time if we’re not in it for the same things.
I really don’t like children. I knew from a very young age (about 8) that I would never have any, even by accident. I don’t know how or why, I was just never attracted to babies or small children and in fact am vaguely disgusted by them. (I’m also slightly afraid of pregnant women. And yes, I know that’s weird.) When I was three my brother was a newborn, and I’m told (don’t remember myself) that when the grownups weren’t looking I would scratch him and pinch him. My aunts told the neighbors that the cat got him. In any picture where I was forced to hold or sit with a baby or much smaller sibling/cousin, I am not smiling. I am neutral, in some cases even scowling. In high school I stopped speaking to a friend who got pregnant (ok, it was childish. I was 15, give me a break.) Out of my whole circle of friends from then, I am the only one who remains childless. Those younger siblings and cousins I hated so much all have kids. The neighbor kids I used to be forced to babysit have kids. My 18 year old brother has a child. My husband and I are divorcing in part because he suddenly decided he really did want a kid eventually, and I still don’t. I had already made that clear from the beginning, and I’m not changing. In any new relationship it will be made crystal clear from day one. For some reason when I say I don’t like kids people don’t take me seriously, or think that I don’t know what I want or will change my mind. They are wrong. I don’t want childrern, and I don’t want to waste anyone’s time, and mine, on something that will never work out. The decision hasn’t really been very important until now, because it may make finding a new SO difficult, and having been alone for a year, I’m kind of um… lonely. Anywhoo.
The decision became important during my engagement and prior to my marriage.
I intended to marry the love of my life, but only if I was completely sure he’d be happy with never having children. As much as it would’ve killed me to learn he’d decided he wanted children (and therefore our relationship would have to end at some point), it would be oh so much worse to figure it out after ten years of marriage, so I understand where you’re coming from. Much better to know what the score is, I think.
I ended up getting a tubal occlusion (aka Essure) at the age of 24. That was 6 years ago, and it’s still one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.
The other day I went out to dinner with my boyfriend and his mother and she started talking about how much she really, really, really wants grandkids. I mentioned that I don’t ever want to have my own biological kids and my boyfriend piped up that he agrees with that sentiment, but it was an awkward conversation.
That’s one of the places were it can get awkward. We had a nice Christmas Eve at my husband’s aunt’s house one year, and then his grandfather started quizzing us on when we were going to produce a son to keep the family name alive. Well, sometime around never would be the truthful answer, but we just basically laughed it off.
Tell me about it! My family is pushing me to bring my boyfriend home to meet everyone at Thanksgiving (I live about 1500 miles away from my family so this would be quite a trek for him to meet the family) because I’m 26 and they are now empty nesters so they are starting to get antsy about me getting married and giving them grandkids already. I am hesitant to bring him home because then they will start with the, “So, are you looking to settle down?” and the, “Have you thought about having children someday?” :smack:
I definitely want kids, so it’s a deal-breaker for me. I might still date a person, but I wouldn’t take it to a serious level. I did that once, and that’s how I had to break up what was otherwise a very serious and loving relationship.
And, to the OP, I don’t think 29 is too old for a guy who wants children. It just means that there wouldn’t be much waiting around I guess.
I’ve wanted kids “when I grow up” since I was 4, “when we have health care” as soon as the wife and I got married, and “OK, let’s go” since we got health care.
It has ended some possibilities early, but I’d rather early than “since we’re this far along, we should discuss …”
Since my early 20’s, it’s been a deal-breaker in relationships for me. I have always always always seen myself with children. My life would be severely missing something if I didn’t have children, but It’s really not for everyone. It’s a huge amount of sacrifice, stress, and work. For me, it’s worth it, but i can see how it would not be for others. So I always made sure I understood where others stood on the child issue.
Part of the reason I married my husband is that he was as passionately “for” children as I was. He used to tell people he wanted to be “a daddy” when he grew up.