When do you tell your daughter she is adopted?

In My Humble Opinion
21

Hey guys! I appreciate the words of wisdom and kindness. Who knew adoption was so prevalent among dopers?

To fill in a few blanks, Anna is 3 now. She is learning lots of new words and last night I taight her how to say “adopted”.

her “uh-bo-ped”

me “Adopted”

her"a-bah-ped"

me “Close enough honey…”

Just hearing her say it mage me all ferklempt.

FWIW I DO fear when, in a teenage angst fueled rage she hurls out “You’re not my real dad”. I know it will come…but geesh you may as well stab me with a hot spoon…

I don’t feel the bio-dad should have any involvement in the decision to tell her anything. He is out of the picture. We have his social security number and pertinant info, so if she wants to find him when she grows up, we can help her. God THAT will be tough! But if she thinks she wants to do it, and she is an adult, I will help her.

Another wrinkle…the bio-dad has 2 daughters from his first marriage. They are 10 and 14. I have no idea what they have been told. I would assume some day Anna will want to meet her bio-sisters. They are all innocents in this. Grown people sure can screw up the lives of little poeple, can’t they?

Anyway - peace and love to all of you. Again, I apreciate your time and thoughts…
Oh- almost forgot! We have a baby due in December! Anna will have a little brother or sis by year’s end!

22

newcrasher - I understand your desire to keep the bio-dad out of any decision, but it would be a good idea to know his feelings about meeting her later on, so she doesn’t seek him out when she’s 20 and get a “I didn’t want you then and I don’t want you now. Get the hell away from me” from him. If you have some idea of his feelings, at least you can prepare her for any possible reaction. Also, what about her bio-grandparents? Are they interested at all?

FTR - I have two cousins who were adopted. Every year, from teh time they were babies, they celebrated their “Adoption Day” with a cake and presents, just like a birthday. My male cousin never had the desire to search for his birth parents. My female cousin did for some time, but through some family circumstances, she realized that she was just as much a member of our large extended family as all the other cousins. OTOH, my niece and nephew’s father left the family when one baby was under a year old and the other was unborn. He went 10 years without contacting them and only saw them a handful of times in the insuing years, and now that they’re adults, they have no use for him whatsoever. Kids figure out who loves them and who doesn’t.

StG

23

StG -

Adoption day (or Gotcha Day for international kids - which is the arrival day, not necessarily the finalization day) is a popular thing to celebrate. However, newcrasher may want to consider the new baby before he goes ahead and plans a celebration. We have one of each (one import, one homemade) and we’ve chosen NOT to go out of our way to celebrate Alex’s adoption - we don’t want him to think he is that different from his sister, and we don’t want the “Its not fair he gets TWO birthdays” from his sister.

Instead, at our house we celebrate the Korean national holiday “Children’s Day” with both kids - and let them know that the reason they get to go to the zoo that day is because Alex was adopted for Korea and this is how we’ve chosen to celebrate his heritage and adoption.

newcrasher - congrats on the new arrival. Really, if you just work her adoption into every day discussions (and you can acknowledge both the joy and the sadness you feel - because she needs to know its ok to feel both joy and sadness over adoption), she will grow up knowing that that’s just the way it is.

(And my bio daughter - age almost four - yells at me “you aren’t my REAL mom.” Funny that her nearly five year old brother doesn’t yell it - he knows he’s had three moms (his tummy mom, his foster mom, and me - his real day to day mom). She’s a little more tempramental. That isn’t necessarily an adoption thing - its a denial thing. But welcome to the world where all behavior is seen through the “is this an adoption thing or just a kid thing?” filter.)

24

She won’t neccassary throw it in your face–I have never, and will never say that to my Daddy. Continue to show her the love you seem to now, and really don’t think you have too much to worry about. If she is stupid (yes, it would be an act of sheer stupidity) enough to ever utter those words, don’t let it upset you too much. She won’t mean it, and she will regret it the moment it leaves her lips. Just tell her how much you love her even if she does feel that way. I wish you the best of luck. God Bless

25

Newcrasher, my situation is very similar to yours.

I have become the mother of two very special girls, aged 13 and 11, and they have been calling me Mommy since they were 4 and 2. I dated, and then married their father, with whom I had two children. (Now aged 5 and 7, for perspective).

When my two older daughters were around 8 and 6, the oldest asked me, “Mommy, who did you have first?”

We had figured out a few years before that the girls had quite literally forgotten their birth mother, who they hadn’t had contact with since before I met them. Feeling they were too young before this age to know the difference, we decided not to say anything…for a while, but for me, this was the perfect opportunity.

I asked the younger kids to leave for a bit, and explained to the girls that they had not come out of my tummy, but they were very important and special to me, and I considered them to be my children as much as the other two.

They had a few questions. Who was their bio mother and where did she live? What did she look like, and why wasn’t she around.

I responded that she was in Germany, that she looked a lot like the 2nd daughter, told them her name, and confessed that I didn’t know a lot about why she wasn’t around. I told them they could talk to their father about that part.

They accepted all of this quite easily.

About a year ago, my oldest daughter told me she wanted to try to find her bio mother. I told her we could do that, but I wanted to wait until she was older, as her mother isn’t in the country and we can’t afford to take her to Germany.

All in all, it’s about timing, dependant on your situation and the child’s understanding of the situation. There are very few wrongs, but those have been outlined here already.

Make sure you guys get to tell her. Not a stranger off the street. Not a shocking phone call from the bio father when she’s 14.

And good luck!

~J

26

I agree with that post.

I was adopted at 3 weeks. My mom and dad always told me that I was wanted into my family and that my birth parents simply couldn’t keep me and wanted me to have a better life.

While I have had some hard times as a kid (an abusive mother and a father who was driven in his business) I found out my birth mother’s background and glad she gave me up for adoption. My birth father apparently wanted to “get rid of it” and this was before Roe vs Wade. My birth mother has several domestic violence convictions on her record, no doubt I would have been on the receiving end of some of that. While my mom was abusive, mentally and physically at times, she was never so violent that it needed police intervention. It got worse as I got older because I would get in her face.

Knowing from a young age is important, in my opinion because it seems “normal” to you. As you get older there are questions that come up when you talk to your friends in elementary school about it but those are healthy ways of learning about life. Today, it’s even more accepted the different ways we are families. From adopted, foster, step, gay, single and the old family of mom, dad and kids who share genes. But, sharing genes doesn’t mean you are mom and dad today.

27

This is great, that you are able to adopt your daughter. Good for you. It is really important, I think, that she know from the start that she has another “biological” father. If he lives so close, how do you know she won’t find out later from someone else? This would be the worst. It is HER life and history - not yours. And she will deal with it however she does. I understand that you don’t want to hurt her, but - as others have said - there are lots of ways to present this information to her. If she hears it from a young age, it will be normal for her. Finding out later - especially if it’s from someone else - will lead her to feel betrayed.

28

On the other hand, birth kids go through the “I never asked to be born” schtick, (and, as Dangerosa notes, even birth kids will make the “you’re not my parent” claim–based on a hoped-for-at-that-moment fantasy).

It is very important that a person know from the beginning that they are adopted. During our foster/adoption training classes, we were regaled with several stories of people (ages ranging from pre-pubescent to middle age) “discovering” their adoption and suffering real psychological trauma.

We told our kids that their mother was simply not able to care for them (absolutely true) and that we will help them look her up, if they choose, after they are adults.

29

For the record, I cried too. =)

30

Both of my children are adopted. Since they are both South Korean, there’s never been any of these issues to handle. There are about 250 billion OTHER issues, but the one you face will never be an issue. They know they’ve always known. That’s the simple answer.

The more in-depth answer is this. We made up Adoption Story books for each of them. They are written for a 2 year old to hear ad nauseum, ( and they did ! :slight_smile: ), with lots of photos. Those books have their original placement file photos as well as the Arrival Day photos I shot to send to all we know and love, taken the day each one arrived into our family. It is a story that is simple yet very very honest. As they’ve grown, they’ve been given more information.

My son just turned 13, my daughter is 11 1/2. Last year, we gave each child their Welcome Box. In it was the official travel papers sent with them from South Korea, their Exit Visa ( looks like a passport, has their infant photo, but only has a place for an exit visa and entrance into the USA ). Their baby bottle with Korean writing on it that they flew with, along with the lovely outfit they each had on when they got off the plane.

It was a sober evening in our house. We were giving them all we have on them. They are old enough to read through the scant documents and know what we know.

My point of view on this is going to be predictable, newcrasher. You are her Daddy, you have been for a long time and it sure sounds like you always will be. She’s a lucky child, you are clearly in love with this kid !

I am my kids Daddy. For all of the good and bad things that parenting a kid entails ( and, let’s all be honest here, there are moments when each of us feels like a very shitty parent. If we’re lucky, we catch it or realize it and deal- or have a caring loving friend point it out), I am their Dad. You are her Dad. There are layers, and complexities and there is always that chance that to strike out at you and truly wound you one day, she’ll throw up at your face the Bio v.s. Adopted facet of it but … it is your neck she will want to bury her face into and sob when the cat is put down, it is you she’ll run to with good grades and a Valentine from a kid, you will help her out when she breaks her arm and watch her shop for hair clips, ever ready to deliver loving approval of her choices.

You’re her Daddy. Every one of the situations you will hear about, read about here, find out details of by Internet…they will help you to prepare but your family will have totally unique dynamics and you and your wife will find the thread and methods of best working with your daughter when those times come.

Sounds to me like she’s a darned lucky little girl.

Cartooniverse

31

What a lucky little girl! To have people in her life who love her so much, even the bio-dad, who knew he couldn’t be there for her in the future and gave up all rights so not to string her along.
As for the line of " Why didn’t my father want me?" you could say something like: One daddy gave you life. One gave you all his love.

32

hit enter too soon

It takes courage of the birth parent to admit their weaknesses, and know someone else is better than they are (mentally, financially, philosphocially) to raise a child.

And (being adopted myself) I was very thankful for my status when one of my siblings or cousins did or said something totally bonehead, I could say aloud, " Well, I’m so glad I am not a part of this gene pool."

:smiley:

33

Shirley, you can add humor to any topic. You will take this in the spirit intended: When asked if I loved my bio daughter more than my adopted son I said - it IS different, but it isn’t necessarily better - after all, my daughter started with a strike against her - she’s the one who made me go through pregnancy.

34

When my mom was little, her older sister tried to convince her that she was adopted (you know how siblings are). My mom replied, “That’s okay – they chose me, they were stuck with you!”

So when my brother and I were little, we fought over who got to be adopted, so we could be chosen and not related to the rest of our weirdo relatives. :slight_smile:

35

I agree that you should start telling her as soon as she can understand.

I know someone who is 32 yrs old and adopted and still doesn’t know, but the rest of her family and many outsiders do. I often wonder if she has figured it out by now and just never said she knew. I have heard her make comments about how she looks nothing like her parents or siblings, or how it’s weird that they have hospital pictures of when her sibs were born but none for her and at those times it seems she doesn’t know but maybe suspects. I know that her mother thinks she doesn’t know.

I find it hard to be around her because I keep wondering what would happen if someone slips up. Plus, she now has two kids of her own and I can’t believe her parents didn’t give her any of her own medical history or anything.

Anyhoo, I am a firm believer in not having family “secrets.” That just makes things seem sinister, like there’s something to hide.

36

This is an excellent point, and since you currently know where bio-dad is, it might be a good idea to get as much medical history as possible from him while you still can.

My cousins are adopted, they’ve always known, and it’s never been a problem. They were both adopted from birth in the early 1960s, so they were fully closed adoptions, and they have virtually no information about their birth parents. Nor do they want to find their birth parents.

According to my cousin, the only major downside of being adopted is having no medical history. She has several hard-to-find health problems (gluten and dairy allergy, thyroid problems) that weren’t fully diagnosed and properly treated until she was over 30. Perhaps if there was some known family history of problems in these areas, her doctors would have had some clues to work with and she would have been properly treated sooner.

(FWIW, she says it’s also annoying that she doesn’t know what her genetic ethnic background is–no big deal, just annoying. That wouldn’t be a problem for the OP’s case, but I just thought that it was interesting.)

37

I agree with Queen Tonya. This is tougher than a standard adoption. It’s easier to explain adoptive motherhood. The nicest way I’ve heard it described was by Rosie O’Donnel. She told her kids that God put them in the wrong mommy by mistake.
In this case, you have to explain the function of a daddy in the birth process and it has to be on a level a child can understand. That would be a good question to post separately.

Even though psychologists tell you be open with adoption I have a different slant in it. If the biological parent wants to be on friendly terms with the child then it works. If not, then the child has the baggage of adoption AND the abandonment of their “true” father.

Let me address both issues.

Being adopted carries with it mental baggage. “Do my adoptive parents love me or was I adopted only because they couldn’t have children themselves”, “Does that make me second choice”, etc…"

“Why does my biological father hate me”. This is a matter of perspective and should be presented that way. A true father is someone who loves and cares for his children. He is a guardian. The events that started the beginnings of life are not relevant. It is the intent to raise a child that matters. If the biological father did not intend to bring life into the world, it doesn’t mean the child is unwanted, it just means the child is wanted by a different father.

Perspective is everything. If you tell a child early-on that God meant for YOU to be her daddy then you have fulfilled your obligation of honesty and have also taken away the stigma of abandonment. The younger the child, the less complicated the explanation needs to be.

I love a good perspective story so you can make some up in advance. It’s always best to be prepared so you can address situations as they arise (makes you look a lot wiser if you’re ready).

If a bio-father is willing to have a relationship down the road you can pave that road for him. You can compare him to someone on a sinking boat who does not yet know how to swim. He could not carry you at the time without both of you drowning so he chose to give you to someone who could. Over time, he learns to swim (the lessons of life). You can build on this by looking at the world around you. If everybody knew how to be a good parent, there would be no crime or hunger or war. Being a parent takes more education than anything learned in college. You wouldn’t want to be operated on by a “future” doctor. Same thing applies to child rearing.

My father was “adopted” by his grandparents. His older sister was actually his mother but this was at a time in history when young ladies didn’t get pregnant out of wedlock. He never talked about it and I learned this from my mother after he died. I never pressed for all the details but I did know that he knew who his father was. I never learned how he found out (things I didn’t ask before it was too late). I do believe the “trauma” of the event was the driving force behind his fear of being a bad father. That fear made him the best father any human had the privilege to have.