Anyone find out they were adopted as a teen?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Interested to hear adoptees’ stories about finding out they were adopted, how it came up (ie, Did you have an inkling and ask? Did your parents sit you down and have The Talk?), what questions you had and what your parents did right/wrong at this juncture.

Background
that darn cat and I are raising my younger brother, after my mother died in 2007. My mother never had the adopted talk with him, and, as he gets older, I wonder if it’s something we’re going to have to initiate.

My brother’s birth father was my once-stepfather’s nephew (heh. We’ll not be supplying diagrams with this conversation, me thinks.), and my mother and stepfather originally fostered him from ages 1-5 while everyone held their breath to see if the birth father and mother could get their acts together. That never happened, my mother divorced my stepfather, and adopted my brother on her own when he was 5. Prior to then, he called her Aunt, but then transitioned to calling her Mom.

He has had no contact with his birth parents since that age–he’s now 14–and has never mentioned them or suggested that our mom was anything but that exactly. He doesn’t ask about his dad.

Thanks to any and all who share their advice/stories.

2

I’ve got a number of adopted friends, but they all knew pretty early in life. And the Firebug’s never going to remember a time when he didn’t know about it.

3

I have a cousin who is now in her mid 20s and doesn’t know she’s adopted. Everyone in the family knows but her. The bad thing is that her mom (no dad) and family have lied to her so much that if she found out the truth now I’m afraid it’ll cause great damage to her. I’ve thought about sending her an anonymous email to tell her the truth but I’d rather have someone close to break it to her.

4

I had a cousin-once-removed who went through something like this. Her aunt was from Korea originally, and adopted her from her biological mother when the girl was very small; I don’t recall why, exactly - if her mom died, wasn’t able to care for her, abandoned her, whatever. (They lived pretty far away from us, so we didn’t have much contact, and this was a long time ago.) Anyway, this aunt married a cousin of mine when the girl was in her teens. The girl knew from pretty young that this was actually her aunt who was raising her.

Years down the road, the girl was in medical school. I don’t know what spurred it, but she found out the truth. Her aunt really was her mom. She’d gotten pregnant while unmarried and was ashamed of it, so when she had the opportunity to immigrate to the US, she made up this story to explain her little girl.

I suspect there were other and probably more important factors than that revelation (she apparently was troubled for other reasons that weren’t elaborated on, and had always been insanely perfectionist about her work, so the intense med school curriculum didn’t help), but it probably had some contributing effect to her killing herself within a few years after learning who her mother was.

5

Goodness. Yes, I found out when I was fourteen, in an extremely traumatic way - my birth mother, whom I knew and had been told she was my aunt (I was adopted by my aunt) showed up, told me, and disappeared out of my life. Later it became clear she’d only told me out of an impulsive need to hurt my adoptive mother.

Long story short, it fucked me up for years and has left me such a proponent of open adoption it’s ridiculous. I don’t understand why you wouldn’t ever tell, or why you would hide such a thing. The kid has more of a right to know than you have to hide it.

What my adoptive parents did absolutely wrong is flat out refuse to talk about it. When I approached my mother, she just looked pissed off and refused to say a thing. I didn’t find out the details until years later.

It took me forever to get over the betrayal - for that’s how I still think of it to this day, and even longer to trust this concept called “family”.

My case was also a matter of shame - I was born out of wedlock. What parents don’t realize is that shame translates to the child. “Mom was ashamed of having me out of wedlock? Then she must be ashamed of me, too.”

6

A few notes: I know most adoptions today are open and kids are raised knowing they were adopted. I don’t know the reason(s) why my brother’s adoption was not handled in this fashion, but I also know I can’t undo the past. I began caring for him when my mother died of cancer…and didn’t think that the moment I gained custody was the time to make this declaration. At that moment, with the best intentions, I didn’t want to give him any reason to have more to fear, more to be anxious about, or further reason to think he was orphaned (I mean this generically; after my mother died, I felt a bit unrooted and family-less and imagine that sensation would be even stronger in a young kid).

Also, to the best of my knowledge, I have never lied directly to him about his family or told him an untrue story about being born to my mother, etc. I did once dodge a question…but we were standing in line, about to board an airplane, and I felt I couldn’t answer him adequately at that time, in that situation. Some may see this as splitting hairs, and I accept that. He may see it that way, too.

I honestly don’t want things to be anywhere near as traumatic as what happened to Annamika or Ferret Herder’s cousin. My heart truly breaks to hear about both those experiences.

I do want to be open about it (now, admittedly) and help him understand. I definitely do not want him to feel his family is a lie–both my mother and I love(d) him deeply. And, if he feels betrayed because this wasn’t allowed to be part of his story from a very early age, I want to help him sort through those feelings.

7

Not adopted, but I found out at 16 that my father wasn’t my biological father. This shattered me in ways I’m still discovering.

8

Not the same, but perhaps helpful. My dad’s biological father and his mother split when he was small. He was always told his bio dad had taken off.

When he was 40 his bio dad reestablished contact. The story he told was quite different.

My Dad is an easy going and forgiving sort of guy. He understands that the situation then was perhaps different, and that his mother often preferred her own vision rather than the truth - and was willing to forgive her. She had remarried, his adoptive father was fantastic, and both he and his bio father were happy with the life he ended up with.

Given the amount of transitioning your brother has done, I think its reasonable and understandable why you’ve held off. I think you do need to come clean, but perhaps in an “I don’t think this is a big deal because it doesn’t change a damn thing, but I want you to hear it from me because I don’t want you to find out from someone else and then wonder…” sort of way. With a perhaps “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier, there never seemed like a good time - neither one of us needed to deal with more when we were dealing with Mom.”

9

This is basically my story as well, except I was 12. It didn’t shatter me, but it did resolve a lot of little mysteries. I didn’t appreciate the secrecy, as I’d been asking questions for years, and didn’t like the answers. It was a puzzle piece that fell into place and gave me peace of mind. Even so, I had no interest in who my biological father was, so I never bothered to find him.

Fast forward 8 years. I’m doing accounts receivable for the company I work for and get a call from a unknown coworker in another department. Her boyfriend has an excavation company, his bookkeeper bailed on him 6 month before, the office is in chaos. He’s using the same financial software as we were, and is looking for someone to come in, straighten out his books, and train someone new. Am I interested?

Sure. I asked her a few bookkeeping related questions, set up a time to start and find out where the offices are located. Oh, BTW, I suppose I should know who I’m working for, right?

She tells me the owners name, and my heart stops. It’s my biological father. I say nothing to the co-worker at this point, I’m pretty sure she has no clue.

After a panicky call to my mom, she suggests I go though with the job, as this way I’m prepared and know what I’m walking into. Otherwise, I’m bound to run into him again and I’ll have no control over the situation. Good point.

I showed up at his office, and after dealing with the particulars of the job at hand, we talked. I knew who he was and he knew who I was. Evidently, I have aunts, who are twins, whom I look exactly alike. I also have a number of half brothers and sisters.

I set his office to rights, trained him a new bookkeeper and haven’t kept in touch. He’s a nice enough guy, I finally get where the red hair comes from, but there’s no mystical tie that unites us. Not a happy ending, not a sad ending, just an ending.

10

It probably is going to shatter him. Now. Can you help him through it? Sure, by being 100% supportive and emphasizing over and over how much you love him.

Also, plan a time to tell him, and have as much information as you can. Be prepared for him to ask tons of questions. Be prepared for him to ask none - the shock might be too great. Be prepared for him to ask days or weeks later.

Personally I think 14 is absolutely the worst age to tell him anything. Before the teen years or after the teen years. Not during!

11

Thanks for the responses, everyone.

A point that moi hasn’t shared. He was old enough at the time of the adoption to have some memory of it, but he’s never really mentioned it. I’m not sure if he’s in denial about it, he’s truly forgotten, or if when we bring it up he’s gonna say, “Oh, yeah, I knew that.”

As to not telling him when he’s a teen: we’re kind of up against it. His adoptive mom died when he was eleven and as moi said, that wasn’t the time to share it. Now, I can’t see waiting until he is an adult to tell him. We’ve never lied to him about it, but I think it would hurt to keep it from him that long.

I doubt he will be “shattered”, he’s been raised by his sister and myself for the last three years, having survived the trauma of his mom’s passing. Not saying that it will be easy, but I don’t expect a huge crisis.

12

My son was adopted as an infant. He knows all about it. He’s Korean, its pretty darn obvious he isn’t our bio child. He never talks about it. Never really wants to talk about it. It just isn’t his thing. We talk about it around him from time to time (and his sister does - she’s fascinated by the whole story). So I think its possible he does sort of remember it enough to have pieced together parts, but its not a big enough deal to talk about it or he isn’t comfortable with it. And if that is the case, its probably important to talk about it with him, because kids tend to fill in the blanks by making shit up - and he might believe a lot of stuff that aren’t true.

13

I expect this to be a bit true for him, too. He said something similar when we talked about his ODC diagnosis for the first time. Like tdc said, he may have some memories of visitation from his birth parents (up until he was about 4 years old) or of the adoption ceremony (when he was 5 or 6). Talking openly about this may make those things make sense, if he does remember them.

About the questions, Anaamika, I expect you’re spot on. When we had to sit down and talk to him about our mom being in Hospice care and preparing for her to die, I expected a barrage of questions, maybe even some tears. He was, on the other hand, very calm and only asked one question and made one statement. Based on that experience, I know the important thing with him is that he’ll need some time to process, and I need to be available to have many smaller conversations as time passes on.

I don’t have strong feelings about when to tell him, honestly. He’s a pretty stable teen, but this could throw that all for a loop. Like tdc said, despite the potential trouble of telling him now or soon, it seems more odd to wait until he’s 18 (as an adult, I feel he absolutely needs to know and should have as much info as possible about his birth family’s health issues) and will likely be graduating and moving out of the home–when I’m not physically here on a daily basis to answer questions or just as a reaffirming presence.

Also, Dangerosa, thanks for everything you’ve shared in this thread. Your perspective has really helped, and you’ve given me a lot of positive food for thought.

14

Moi - If his birth parents have addiction issues, I can see telling him sooner than later. He’s at the age where kids are experimenting with drugs and alcohol, and if he may have a genetic predisposition to addiction, being forewarned might help him avoid those things.

StG

15

This is my mom and her family. She was told her mom was a worthless piece of trash who abandoned her and her 4 older siblings.

She found out the truth when she was an adult and her (abusive) father had passed away. Her mom had attempted to take the kids and run. Her father found them and took the kids back with him (apparently with help from the local police). The oldest boy ran away to rejoin his mom (at 8 yrs old). The police took him back, his dad beat the snot out of him. Brother ran away again and he and his mom took off for Alberta. Once she was settled out West, she attempted to get all the kids with her, but was thwarted. Mom was the youngest and was a baby when all this happened. My mom found her brother after 52 years a few years ago and was told their version of what happened. She believes her brother, after all her father was an abusive alcoholic.

16

I can’t ever remember not knowing, because my parents told me from when I was very little. This made it much less of a deal for me, because I never had that ‘shock’ moment. All I would say is that the sooner you say something, the better.

17

You know him better than anyone. I was not a mature fourteen year old to start with, and this just threw me for a loop. Perhaps yours is more mature.

Besides, I think it all is in how you handle it. As I said, my adoptive parents really couldn’t have handled it worse, plus for years after it was the “shame” of our family and I wasn’t allowed to tell anyone. Forget counseling, in my family you’re either completely normal with no issues or batshit insane - there is nothing in between.

There were a lot of issues in how much damage I took. Be there for him, support him, get him counseling, and above all, shut up and listen. :slight_smile:

18

My dad didn’t have that much drama. It was a WWII marriage of a soldier from Ohio stationed in St. Paul who knocked up and married a 15 year old girl. When the war was over, they went to live with his parents in Ohio - she was all of 17 and homesick. So she took their son (my Dad) and moved home. She remarried a few years later and my dad had a good life. But unable to take any share of the blame, she had always told my Dad that his Dad had left them - nothing about Ohio.

Apparently, even my bio-grandfather said his mother - who they lived with - was a wicked witch and he didn’t blame her at all for leaving.

Ohio to Minnesota in the late 1940s and early 1950s was a HUGE distance for two families that were poor - both my grandparents are the children of immigrants. And staying in contact with your ex-husband for the benefit of your preschooler was not something my grandmother was really capable of.

Sins, but understandable, forgivable ones.

19

So … have you talked to him?

20

In general, everything I’ve read and everyone I know who has a version of this story has led me to believe that earlier is better. You can’t change the past, but tomorrow, today will be another day you can’t change. As for never lying to him directly, well, that’s awfully likely to be seen as trickery – after all, why is your honor more important than his well being?

But more importantly, why are you asking this question to a bunch of yahoos on a message board instead of a trained professional? At the very least, there’s an adoption agency in your community that can put you in touch with someone to talk to about how to resolve this as painlessly as possible.

–Cliffy