I’ve noted in other threads that my wife works in a field that assists people with developmental (and certain brain trauma) disabilities. Very early in her career she related the stock phrase around her workplace: When you’re helping people, do not put more effort into the success than they do.
I really struggled to understand this, very much because I like to consider myself an altruistic kind of guy. Eventually, she elaborated by explaining…
[ul]
[li]If the person you are helping is putting forth his/her best effort, the fact that you are putting more effort into the matter robs that person of his/her victory and enjoyment of the spoils – or it insulates him/her from the defeat or facing the consequences. [/li][li]If the person you are helping is putting forth less than his/her best effort, the fact that you are putting more effort into the matter is enabling reliance on (exploitation of) others, thereby inhibiting self-sufficiency and personal growth.[/li][/ul]
This became increasingly problematic with my father-in-law (my wife’s step-father). As long as I’ve known him (and, as my wife reports, long before then) he has always asked people to do things for him or simply expected-without-asking that things were done for him. We got sick of what we called the “Plantation Owner” attitude and we realized one of the big reasons my in-laws liked going to resorts and on cruises* was because their package deals included accommodating people whose focus was catering to his every wish and whim; he got pampered and she got a break from servitude.
We had to set some harsh boundaries when they were visiting last winter. When he would ask for help getting up from the dinner table, we’d push his walker closer and hold onto the table and chair while he levered himself up and grabbed the handles of his machine, but if he asked for someone to lift him, we’d remind him he needed to use his legs (and arms) so they would get stronger#, not use them less and let them get weaker.
My Hispanic friends mentioned that a while back. They noted that they hated it when every member amongst six siblings families was expected$ to ‘pitch in’ to help each other out. On the other hand, they noted that everyone lives in pretty decent neighborhoods in mortgage-free homes, and several have motor homes and extra vehicles and such that were made affordable because the whole extended family pitched in. In fact, my friends got a motor home for ‘free’ because one of the brother’s families decided they were bored with summer road trips and didn’t need it any more but it should stay in the family because everyone bought it.
The critical question is Do They Reciprocate?
But that’s kind-of a separate question from the enabling/exploiting issue. Maybe better for a separate thread?
–G!
- And, for that matter, when he was in a care facility, though the trauma that would put him there was a horrible price to pay
And, because he’s a retired pastor, I would pointedly note “Yeah something about The Lord helping those who help themselves…you know, that kind of thing.”
$ So what might sound like a voluntary donation of whatever amount was more like a required minimal contribution.