Ok. Some of you know the story.
Been with this man for over a year. He lived in my building. Hes 36, I am 61 but do not look it. I put my number under his door to start things.
All was great for months. Then I got hired as his aide (he has MS). Then he started treating me less respectfully. Eventually I broke it off.
He tried to get back with my month and a half later.
He broke up with me a few times claiming he was happier single. Note-I am not difficult to be with.
We discussed marriage, he was for it but hesitant as he thought it might mess up his sdi and ssi.
He got jerky in august, where I’d just started to be his part time aide again.
I left. Heard nothing for weeks, til I texted his dad who said he’d fallen 3 times in 1 day, so was taken to hospital and then to rehab/nursing.
Been visiting him.
Hes improved and doing things himself, except for using a spoon to eat.
His dad wants him there forever, saying hes too sick.
I am thinking of wedding and being live in aide(east money).
Its an imbalance, sadly. He has to want to be with me or hes stuck there alone maybe.
The nursing home says long term care doesn’t mean forever.
I want practical advice, can we get a place? Will they start taking his check to stay there? He wants a full price apt, we were in hud housing.
We don’t have a lot of money right now. Were I his aide, we would.
His brother made himself power of attorney.
Yes, you can tell me to walk away, no need to be rude though, I get it.
Do we have a chance to find a place, what to do?
Thank you.
You cannot be both his paid caregiver and his girlfriend.
Not sure if you mean that legally, because it was allowed, or if you see that we didn’t get along when I was.
You’ve been given good advice in the mini rants thread. Break things off with him. His whole family sounds toxic.
Sounds like he’s getting the care he needs and his family is looking out for his best interests.
You can support and motivate him in his endeavors to get well.
Are you a CNA or have similar training in patient care? You’re 61, moving a person around, transferring in and out of bed, bathing and personal hygiene care is lot to take on 24/7.
Why do you want to marry him?
Yeah, I regularly encounter situations where family/friends get paid by the state to be caregivers.
I am just a home aide. He transfers in and out of bed himself, same with the bathroom. We’ve dated over a year. Why does anyone want to marry? I love him. Also, I’m a Christian, sex outside of marriage is a sin, in my beliefs. I think men using women for sex, which has become main stream in the last 50 years, is a poor deal for a woman.
You both need to consult a lawyer, he’s on disability payments and his brother holds power of attorney. Both scenarios may be affected by marriage, Will his brother have to sign off on the marriage?
Will his disability be reduced with a working spouse’s income?
Yeah, I’m going to call job and family services to see. It says a 2 person household can make less than 1900 without affecting things.
God, I hope his brothers not in Charge. He treated him like crap most of his life, now its his (his brothers chance) to keep treating him badly.
He has my bfs wallet, when he had been brought in, he saw him taking photos of his credit and debit cards.
BF should get papers drawn up to revoke the brother’s Power of Attorney before the brother uses those credit and debit card numbers. A legal aid clinic would help BF do that, as would the law clinic at a local law school.
If what the brother has is a guardianship or conservatorship, that is harder to get out of.
He thinks if they keep him a bit longer, they’ll take most of his check, so he took 2,000 out of his bank and gave it to his brother to hold. I would’ve held it for him.
Note that his brother makes about 80,000 a year so doesn’t need to siphon any.
Then he said he wanted to stay permanently.
Hes not getting his anti shaking medicine as often as he used to, so now wants us to get an apt.
I am for this, when we find one and I have saved up enough(just starting new job next week).
He wants to visit for 2 days, hes allowed a 24 day trip whenever he wants. He called earlier asking for the police number, which doesn’t make sense, he can leave with an accompanying person, I’ve walked him down the street to the tobacco store twice.
I think your boyfriend needs a lawyer. Although he’s a young man, I think maybe he needs an attorney specializing in elder care and estate planning, because of the nursing home issues.
I know from my experiences with my mom that when your health gets to the point when you’re bouncing around between home health care, hospitals, and nursing homes there are lots of pitfalls and if you fail to navigate it properly there can be lots of liabilities. Sometimes spots in good nursing homes that accept Medicaid are hard to come by, and if you have such a spot you may lose it if you leave.
Hiding assets to avoid paying for nursing care is probably not a good idea, because any agency, such as Medicaid, that is checking his assets is going to look for transfers to friends and family and it’s going to come back to bite you.
He shouldn’t have ended his lease at his apt when he left. They take only a third of your income and free heat and electric (no gas here).
We get a full price apt, it would take all his check, and if he was put back in, I wouldn’t be able to pay for it.
Hes been there 5 weeks and they haven’t taken his money yet, nedicaid and medicare are covering it.
He isn’t showing good financial decisions (56$ for e cig, replacement liquid and cigs) and I do not want to be homeless.
Keep your own appt. Be his friend. Don’t get married.
It does not sound like your love for him is reciprocated.
I’m going to be a little blunt here.
I understand that you want to help, but helping and enabling are two different things.
When you help someone do stupid things, you aren’t really helping them.
Giving up subsidized housing to go into an assisted living facility, then changing your mind and insisting on leaving the facility is stupid. I went through this with my mom, who always thought her situation would be better if she was somewhere else. Whenever she was getting care at home, she wanted to go into a nursing home. Whenever she was in a nursing home, she wanted to go back home.
It would not have helped her if I moved heaven and earth to make whatever she wanted happen, regardless of how many guilt trips she laid on me. It would’ve burnt through money unnecessarily and she may have ultimately ended up in a substandard facility. I helped her by reminding her that she had made a decision she had to stick with, and working with the facility to address her concerns and make her stay there more acceptable.
Making an amateurish attempt to hide assets from Medicaid is stupid, and it could result in him being held responsible for large medical bills.
Marrying someone who is currently incurring significant medical expenses without considering how it is going to affect your own financial situation is stupid, even if you see it as the only path to guilt-free intimacy.
Your situation is complex, and it seems to me that you are navigating it based on emotions and not factual information. Get some professional legal advice, please - and remember that good factual advice doesn’t help if you let your emotions override it.
He was put in the nursing home and his father had told him he was going into a group home. They dont think he needs to stay forever, hes doing most things on his own.
He is considering going back into his handicap apt as its empty and I would be in the building.
His medicade and medicare pays for things, his meds and infusions are paid by his medical. He has no bills.
I agree.
Agreed! Twice you became his aide, and twice your personal relationship suffered badly. As bad off as he has become, however, the latter will inevitably lead to the former unless you get an aide for him right off the bat.
I hate sounding negative, but even if you get the work/girlfriend issue resolved, his rapidly declining health indicates that your personal relationship may not be of very long duration. Is there any future in this for you and, if so, what is it? Your answer is very dependent upon what it is you really want.
As someone with absolutely no rooting interest here, I will point out an observation I’m making in this thread. Every time someone responds to you with advice you don’t seem to want to accept, you come back with a lot of excuses. I don’t think you’re here for advice - you’re here to have people validate your actions that you seem to be pretty dead-set on making regardless of anything else.
His health isn’t declining, he fell a few times in one day. His dad knew I’d stopped working for him so he had him put there. Hes doing as well as he was before.
Yes, I cannot get paid to be his aide, it messes us up. When I do the same things without being paid, we get along. He will easily be given an aide, and I can help during off hours.
He’s going to outlive me.
We’ve been together over a yer, we are committed to each other. I can’t imagine being with anyone else.