I’ve been dating this guy. I know some of you are cynics, and on the subject of love I was once a cynic, too, but after just 3 months of dating an average of 3 times a week, I know that he is the one for me. Lots of people say that after a short time, they just knew, and I just know. He’s for me. I would marry him tomorrow.
Last night he asked me to live with him, in a whole new house or apartment. Part of me is elated at the idea- squee!! He wants to live together! But then comes crashing down upon my consciousness the fact that I don’t believe that living with a significant other is for me, and I’ve felt that way for several years. What it comes down to is a lack of the security that I feel I and my children need for our well-being. I will not accept for any less of a commitment than marriage, with all the rights and responsibilities that it entails.
The tiny Satan on my left shoulder is whispering- *Oh, to live with him! To get out of the low-income apartment hell where the police practically have a sub-station in the parking lot! To have him right there whenever you want him! To take care of him and have him take care of you- you’d love that! To share the bills with someone and stop struggling as you have for so long! Bliss- bliss, I tell you! *
The tiny angel on the right quietly purses her lips and looks down her nose at me- *You know and have known what is right for you. Don’t let some guy sway you from your values. If what you want is to be married, then why shouldn’t you be married? It’s your life, why should you not have what you want? *
And I have to calm my pounding heart, squash my excitement, and agree with her.
My apartment’s not really that bad, if you keep your head down, keep quiet, and keep to yourself, which I have no problem doing.
The lack of security to which I refer is based on the fact that, if I live with someone or marry, I lose a certain “protected” status, as a single parent of a disabled child. My rent is $205 a month, my son gets a substantial benefit from SSI as well as free health insurance and he has several ongoing health issues, and I receive assistance with utilities. No food stamps or welfare of any kind, as I make a decent little living on my own, but certainly necessary as a single mother that gets no child support. Not necessarily an ideal financial life, but I’m doing okay for myself at this point.
So one day the paramour decides he doesn’t want to live together and moves out, possibly taking my 10-year-old computer and Costco microwave in the process, and what then? I’m stuck with a much larger rent and bills that we have accrued, and no rules for either of us to follow? Am I supposed to move back here? Marriage brings with it not only a commitment to work things out instead of moving out, but also rights bestowed on my children and I should divorce or death ensue. It’s really the only way that I could have it, logically.
Just to be clear, the SSI benefit and health insurance is based on the parent(s)’ income, and I’d definitely not qualify if there were another working adult in the household.
I did explain my feelings on it to him, and while I don’t think he fully understands what he feels is a lack of trust on my part, he accepted it. He’s good like that.
Even though I personally feel that I could marry him now, I think he needs more time before considering it. I’m really hoping that after 6 more months or so, he brings it up. But if he doesn’t, then that’ll be okay, too.
Thanks!
I know it’s the right decision. It’s just that for a good deal of my life, I made decisions emotionally- I’d go for whatever gave me the most gratification the quickest, and moving in with him would gratify me a great deal right now. I guess my late 30’s is better than never for finally making smart, mature decisions when it comes to men. So I’ll wait to see how it pans out, and keep on missing him the four days of the week that I don’t see him.
Values? I don’t understand what the values are you think you have. Is is that it’s less holy to live with someone you’re not married to? Moving in together is still a commitment. Do you think you won’t have him committed enough if you merely move in together instead of getting married first? Personally, I don’t think I’d ask a woman to marry me if I haven’t lived with her first. Call it a trial period.
I really don’t understand the problem you’re having at all, but I would like to hear you elaborate so that I may understand.
Ah, OK I hadn’t read your second post and now I think I see what you are afraid of. You want to make sure you hook him for the long haul. Heh. Good luck.
I thought it was simple: live alone = benefits for child. Live with boyfriend = fewer benefits for child. Get married = benefits continue. Boyfriend does not want to get married.
Alice, after 68 years, 4 marriages(and 4 divorces), and many, long and short term, affairs, I commend you for sticking to your principles. You have to be true to yourself, if you accept something, against your better judgement, that alone could be the seed for a future failure. I’m sure things will work out for the best, whatever the future holds for you. Going w/ your gut may be fun when you’re young w/ few responsibilities, but you’ve matured and grown wiser, be comfortable w/ it.
You have legal rights in the case of divorce- you don’t dispute that, right? Either the couple or the court will decide who gets what, and it will be equitable. I haven’t researched the common-law situation in Arizona, so not sure of what kinds of rights cohabitating couples have.
Let’s put it this way- if I live with someone, my standard of living goes up. He makes decent money and I still work, so now instead of a junker I’m driving a newer car with payments. I’m living in a home that, instead of a rent of $205, is closer to a thousand (housing prices here are ridiculous). My children and I become solid middle class, up from lower middle. If one day my true love decides he’s moving out, then- what? I’m in this solid-middle-class lifestyle with more bills than I have now, and with less income than I have right now. I were married, my attorney would be able to sort all that out for me and if I’m not, I could very well be SOL.
I’m sorry, but divorce does not entitle you to maintain a better lifestyle either. Having been through many divorces (my mom’s) and yo-yoing from middle to lower back to middle class a few times. Some of those bills will still be yours and you’ll still have to become self-supporting again very quickly.